January 6 Mom called us and we woke up. "Breakfast is ready!" We changed first and went downstairs. "Mhmm.Steak,lemonade juice,and jelly sandwich!" "You go it Max!" We laughed.We washed our hands and ate.It was really good.Mom packed up our lunch while we brushed our teeth. "Lunch is ready!" "Let's go Max and Joseph." We hugged mom and went to school.Megan and Maddie slept together too but they were still asleep to hug us. "English first." "We got the same class!" I looked at Joseph's paper and he got the same class too. "Your in the same class as ours too!" "Yeh!I am!" The bell rang and we went to class.Class was easy. "Can someone tell me who wrote The Great Gabsy ?"The teacher asked. I raised my hand. "F.Scott Fitzgerald." "Yes!Fitzgerald did."The teacher wrote Fitzgerald on the board and the bell rang. LUNCH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bump,comment,oror Comments are
This is terrible. You have terrible grammar- mixing up their with they're and your with you're- and 'fool' doesn't even sound like 'full'. AND you don't put spaces between periods and the next sentence. (ie, hdnakd.Jabxbsk.) What does this have to do with being free from slavery? This seems plotless and you're (Woah. Correct usage!) trying waaaay to hard to get a child's point of view. Wouldn't it take a while to get over the horrors of being a MOTHER ****ING SLAVE? I suggest you at least take seventh grade history again before writing about slaves.
Well...there ARE a few grammar mistakes...and I don't get the slave part...but if you omit those it becomes a pretty good story
Not really- it's just terrible writing in general. And I'm pretty tolerant of bad writing myself. It's like he takes a minute or two to write each chapter.
I don't even see a plot. I was hoping the main character would have flashbacks of slavery or his sister to go into the lake like an idiot for SOMETHING to happen- but no. Just a couple of dumb kids doing random shit.
Justin, seeing as you blocked me like a pansy, I shall reply here. I could barely even understand your comment, let alone be offended by it. I only got some random part that said something about me writing the story..? I wouldn't write something..... *gasp* this bad. Also, learn how to take some criticism.
Well...I did expect his sister to go into the lake...and she didn't. At least he has a twist,even if it's not that great.
We went home and Megan and Maddie were not. "They must be at Mrs.Hake's house." "Let's go see." "Mrs.Hake!" "Yes Dave?" "Is Megan and Maddie here?" "Oh no,I have not seen them." "Well,we do not know where they are." "Try looking around." "We will." We looked around but we did not find them. Where could they be? I thought.Unless.. "Oh no,no,no,no!" "What?!" "Maybe they went near the lake!" "But they can't!Our moms did not want to let us near the lake!" "But maybe they did!Come on!" Max and Joseph followed me.We were near the lake.I heard screaming and crying.I looked over the lake. "Megan!Maddie!" "Hwlep us!"Someone was taking them away.Maybe it was the slave takers! "Noo!!" They were near the lake!But worst off all was that they were on the lake riding a boat. "Oh no!What if Mom knew about this!" I was worried and scared.
I was about to go help them but Max and Joseph warned me not to go. "Dave!Don't go!" "But I have to save our sisters!" "They'll bring them back!" "No they wont!They're slave takers!" Max and Joseph looked at each other. "Slave takers?!" "Yes!They take people to be their slaves!" "But how do u know?!" "I just know!I have to save them!" I go to the lake but mom saw me and got angry. "Dave!!What are you doing near the lake?!!" I turned around and mom was yelling at me. "Mom,the slave takers took Megan and Maddie!" "But where are they?!I don't see them!" I look back and the boat was gone.I sobbed.Why did they take Megan and Maddie and not me?I go back and mom gets really angry.I still sob. "Dave!I told you not to go near the lake,but u disobeyed me!" "But mom,they took Megan ad Maddie!" "They're at the house,Dave!" I stopped sobbing and was confused. "What?!" "Yes,Dave!They're are the house.Where else can they be?" "But we checked the house!They were not there!" "Come on then.Let's see if they're there." Max,Joseph,and I followed mom.We went inside our house ad looked around for Megan and Maddie. "Have you kids found them yet?" "No.I told you mom!The slave takers took them!" "Oh silly.Stop being funny!" "Im not mom!" We looked again and saw no sign of Megan and Maddie. "Oh my!What have I done!" Mom sobbed and sobbed. "I told you mom!They took them!" We sobbed until we got out minds off of them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sorry it wasn't good enough :cry: I'm not talented