A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
What is the definition of a perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. "Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds. Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, 'Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!' The mother cleverly replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber they are!' With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, 'Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!' 'The bigger they are, the dumber they are!' she replies. With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, 'Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!'
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip and Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like !" Then I would say, "It is . Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the manhood. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating. At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one." "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."
This foreign man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and in a thick accent and somewhat broken English says, 'I like to buy those ladies drinks.' The bartender replies, 'It won't do you any good.' The foreign man, with a confused look on his face says, 'Not matter, I want buy those women drinks.' So the bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and they acknowledge the drinks with a nod of their heads. About a half hour later, the man approaches the women and says, 'I like to buy two drink more for you ladies.' The women both reply, 'It won't do you any good.' The foreign man says, 'Me not understand. What you mean 'won't do me any good'?' The first woman says, 'We're lesbians.' To which the foreign man asks, 'Lesbians? What is a lesbians?' To which the second woman replies, 'Lesbians! we like to lick pussy.' The foreign man yells, 'Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.'
1. One day a mother with a 3 kids told them that he will give them their holy names after they committed sins. So Juan, Pedro, and Johnny went to commit a sin. After sometimes they came back and mother look at Pedro. Why are you crying? She asked. Pedro said "I stole a candy from an old man" he said then mother said, Now go pray and drink the holy water. As mother goes to Juan she asked the same. And juan replied; "I went to broke Ms. Santos window" then mother asked juan to do the same like what she told to Pedro. "Go pray and drink the holy water". And then mom looked at little johnny. Mother asked; "Johnny why are you laughing?" Then little johnny said "Cause I peed in the holy water"
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"