Q: What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? A: You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testiicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testiicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testiicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally." The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank. One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom I was masturrbating and shot the dog!"
A blonde, on the verge of bankruptcy, sees God as her only hope. She prays to God for help - "God, please help me. I've lost my business and I need some money. I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lottery." Lotto night comes and goes, and somebody else wins it. The desperate blonde prays again - "God, please let me win the Lottery! I've lost my business, my house and now, I'm going to lose my car as well." This time too, she was unlucky, and someone else won the Lottery. She again prayed - "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. I have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the Lottery just this one time so I can save the life of my kids. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there emerged God. God said to amazed blonde, "Sweetheart, please work with me on this. Go and ... Buy a ticket"
A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally." The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank. One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom I was masturbating and shot the dog!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.' The doctor continued, 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.' On the way home, the husband asked his wife. 'What did the doctor say?' To which his wife responded, 'He said you're going to die.'