Death

I wish my future boyfriend would sing me these :?

 

I'll tell Warren to sing this to u

 

^ that escalated quickly ??

 

O my ?

 

I like it a lot. The things I would say to make it better is focus the imagery around it in one place... The "feels" as people call them come from you being completely honest and extreme about that SPECIFIC emotion. One of the best lines here is "my lungs are failing my heart is fading"... It almost makes the reader/listener feel that emptiness of losing someone and have no one to fill that space. Which is awesome.

So my advice is to DECIDE HOW DEATH MAKES YOU FEEL and run with that for longer. Or decide how being away from your loved one feels and run with that. Is it the fear of being lost or the fear of losing? Tell us CLEARLY either way and you'll have us(the reader/listener)hooked... because we can all relate to the mystery of death.

A good example of this is "Heaven Can Wait" -Michael Jackson. He does the opposite. He decided to use the imagery of her and why he refuses to leave the earth (describing the feeling selfishness).

The two things that through me off that endless search feeling were the ocean and bottles lines...
Although your next lines explain those nouns themselves they seem isolated from the point you're trying to make. When you say you were brought up from the ocean it makes me feel like you're supported, so everything is not so bad. When you say pour out your heart from the bottles it makes me think... what bottles? And oh so she's still there... You're not alone... So it disconnects the reader from that feeling you presented at the beginning of you being alone faced with death.

Also, as far as voice... Is this First person? Second person Third person? if you are singing this to a specific guy/girl or every guy/girl you should consider involving the second person sooner. The reader here feels like we're observing at the beginning "a bystander". as opposed to having a conversation with you which is what will draw them in unless you provide any real action beyond death holding your hand. Either death ☠needs to put out a scythe⛏, swing it at your soul ?and you need to dodge it like Neo does bullets and try to carry you into the nothingness? or you need to talk to us too.

So the thing that makes writing lyrics difficult at times is that you have to explain a lot in a short amount of time. To reach as many people as possible you have to draw on things most people can relate to or are familiar with... then if you want to stand out from the rest, you must take a risk and commit. Most people fail because they try to over complicate this. Poetry and Music are many things to many people, but no matter how intricate or complicated their execution or performance is... They should never feel complicated to the listener.

-Chill

 

Yeah, I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think i like being alive more.

 

Also, take a listen to "Sing about me"-Kendrick Lamar again if you've heard it before. This song does a good job of going from point A to B and even when it goes off on a little bit of a tangent, you never lose sight of the final destination.

 

In my crib with my woes (woes)
Doin lines of molly off their nose (nose)

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