I want them when they're gone. When they're there I lose interest. When I work to try and have a relationship they go away. The ones I get bored of and I come back after a long period of time and ask for their attention back. I'm so selfish. Why can't I be there when you need? I am. But nobody needs me. Nobody invites me to anything. Then again all I ask for is "friends". I don't ask for any individual. Recently I've been wondering a lot about the question of "who" and when I think about anything, the who is irrelevant. Academically it's a no-no but I can't help but do it. Is it psychopathic to think that? I prefer the idea of friends to the presence of any individual person. The enjoyment of building a friendship for me is much greater than of maintaining one. For as long as I can remember this has been the case. It's weird. I don't think it's normal and it creates distance. Makes me feel like a dirt bag, unloyal. It's so selfish. But the thing is that I never want any of the relationships to wither. In my mind I can't recall ever having another person put effort in and me not return it. When I recall things it was always on their turn that they bailed. Part of the building relationship > maintaining relationships is that it was me who was putting in all of the work and making them happy for a time. I can't keep on giving. I guess I'm not that cool or interesting or handsome or whatever. I also have an ego that falls short of reality. Idk where I was going with this and I'd like to say to any of my friends that I love you all. It may not feel like it sometimes but it's true. I guess I'm just an introvert and I make you feel unwanted or unappreciated when you really are. <3 just needed to write this somewhere and I feel like I will lose a lot of trust from people over it. But I want to be honest about how I feel. I need to go outside. This is why I do team sports and go to school. Pity me when they end. I hope somebody can relate. I imagine many of you can. This is probably just a phase and I'll just move on and stop being emo but regardless *window*.
If you read any conflicting things don't mind them. My own mind isn't even close to sorting out the kinks and discrepancies. my head is working overtime
I'm assuming you're a teenager based on the stuff you have said and if you are, well, the truth is kids don't know what commitment and responsibility is yet so a lot of people will not be able to forge meaningful friendships and stuff. There will be a lot of failed relationships and you will lose most of them but somewhere along the way a few people stay and they're the ones worth keeping. In the meantime, you just learn to upgrade your "filter" so you choose to invest in the right people.