A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, But couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy."Do these turkeys get any bigger?", "No ma'am they're dead." I found this one hilarious
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.” He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this.” She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.” The father agrees, “All right.” The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”
A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK. “Yes,” the British journalist replied, “but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.” “Why then?” “That’s when you chaps left.”
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. “Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter. “Did it not taste good?” her mother asked. “I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”
What key won't open any door? (A turkey!) Why did the turkey cross the road? (It was the chicken's day off!) Why did the chewing gum cross the road? (It was stuck on the turkey's foot!) Why did the turkey cross the road twice? (To prove he wasn't chicken!) What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn? (An eggroll!) Where do you find a turkey with no legs? (Exactly where you left it!) What do you call it when it rains turkeys? (Foul weather!) Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? (To hatchet!)
What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? (A har-vest!) If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? (Their age!) What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? (Pumpkin pi!) What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? (The letter "g"!)
This year, I'm going to join our American cousins and celebrate Thanksgiving the old fashioned way. By which I mean I'm going to invite all my neighbours round for an enormous feast, kill them all and then take their land.