Time had flown by, Aubree's eight months pregnant, I had a promotion and now making double the money I was. I worked at the plant where Aubree works but in a different building, preparing IV bags together and assembling them, she's in the building that fills them with the solution. Her doctor said for us to be on our toes, even though she's eight months along, the baby is now considered full term and she can go in labor any day. It really did keep me on my toes, I couldn't sleep at night, expecting her to go in labor and her not feel it. Aubree had purchased a diaper bag bigger than life itself. She packed everything but the kitchen sink, and by she I mean me, and by pack I mean she told me. In her emergency bag was two outfits, chargers, a card game, snacks, makeup and pajamas. Not to mention her shampoo, conditioner, body wash, loofah, curling iron and hair spray. I told her she probably wouldn't even feel like putting on actual clothes. She's a girl so I just shrugged my shoulders, couldn't stop her from wanting to bring everything, whether she'll use it all or not. Today I was picking up the crib at a baby store down in the city. Aubree demanded she go with me, I would've argued that she stay but she wanted to eat down there as well. With her belly she wasn't able to wear her clothes except sweat pants and my shirts. She refused any maternity clothes, saying she didn't want to waste money on something for a one time use. I watched her waddle to the car in a laugh, she tied her hair in a bun as I followed with her bags for just in case. I unlocked the car for her as I opened the trunk to stuff the bags in. As the days grew into months, Aubree and I became closer than we had ever since our friendship blossomed as babies. We were on the same wavelengths with each other, agreeing with everything for Zada's nursery to how we planned for her future. Not only that but even for us to be best friends, we became a higher level of best friends and managing to be a couple at the same time, it was really amazing. I felt the pregnancy symptoms she experienced, the back pain, fatigue and food cravings. It's like we are the same person but with one brain, we thought alike on everything. Aubree and I are a package deal, I won't go without her and vice versa. I wanted her by my side at all times now that she had entered her last month of thi pregnancy. My job was to see to it that she and the baby are completely safe, their safety is all that matters to me right now, other than the crib. Biologically I'm nowhere near close to being Zada's father, but I would be her father. Seeing as how her real father seemed to want nothing to do with her life but ruin it for her in the end. I would proudly say that Zada is my daughter by blood, I didn't give a damn about DNA or what other people would think or say. Aubree did tell me that Vance wanted to be there when Zada was being born. I wasn't going to stop her, if Vance did show up I would gladly let him hold his daughter and let him be in her life. Aubree wanted to set up visitation with Vance only every other Saturday for a couple hours, if he kept to that then she would agree to let him spend longer with her. Truthfully, I didn't think it was going to work, of course I never mentioned my thoughts on this, seeing as she was so hopeful about it and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Vance has been known to give false hope in things he doesn't like or want to do and won't tell you, so he says yes when he wants to say no. If he was doing this to Aubree, to Zada, I'll see to it that it stops. Aubree had been happy for eight months, I wasn't going to let one more person devastate her again. She had been through too much to handle another sad ending, all she asked for was peace. I could see it in her eyes, the girl I love was dying slowly emotionally on the inside from being lifted up only to be brought right back down. I seen the cry for help in her eyes, she never had to tell me, I just knew, she wanted peace between Vance and I, peace with Vance and herself. She didn't expect us to be friends, but rather a friendly acquaintance to each other. I was willing to hold up my side of the deal as long as Vance followed along with me.
Chapter four: Expectations. I had been pregnant for eight months, and now the ninth month was inching closer every day. Breathing became more and more of a chore than something I did involuntarily, walking was waddling similar to a penguin. After months of throwing my food up or not standing the smell I could finally eat, and I was literally eating for two. My face returned only partially to its Aubree glow, the other half is dead, weak and sick looking. My stomach looked worse, some of the kicks Zada had been doing was causing light bruises on my belly, the dark purple spots only lasted a day or two and never hurt when I poked at them. Being pregnant wasn't something I ever intended to happen, I'm twenty-two with still a lot to live for before I'm ready for a baby. I'm too young in my parents eyes to even think of babies, let alone actually be pregnant and ready for birth at any day. I didn't want to be like those teen moms on television, and if my life was going to be like that I would have planned for adoption. I love kids and I want some of my own but not this young, not this early and not like this; a dead beat dad, like always. Of course, I was grateful for Ryan stepping up to the plate and willing to be a father for my child. I never asked that of him or even expected that from him, but his determination and eagerness made it hard to not overlook. I was going to be a parent the best way I knew how. I want the best for Zada and could only hope Vance would feel similar. I just wanted him to want to see her, demand to see her, and make her happy. That wasn't a lot to ask of Vance. Be here for every birthday, holiday, soccer game, or flute recital she has. Be there when you can't, tell her things to make her laugh when I can't give her the advice. Be her real father, love her the way I do. Every ultrasound picture of Zada I got from the doctor visits I put into a book, marking the weeks along with the pictures. It was something I could show Zada when she got older. I wasn't sure how to be a parent, the only thing to come as an instinct was cleaning the house the best I could, making it ready for Zada and Ryan was always right behind me doing the same thing. How was I going to know that her screeching cries was for attention and not food? Was there a difference in her pitch in all her cries that I could be able to tell them apart? Does anything come as an instinct after birth? I have no idea, all I could hope for was a smooth delivery and a peaceful baby.
I watched as Ryan assembled the crib in the nursery as I rocked back and forth with my arms cradled around my belly. With only fifteen days left until my due date we had everything ready without the need of a baby shower and it felt great. We didn't need disapproving parents and our friends cracking jokes all in the same room, it would be destruction. As I rocked and watched Ryan reading the instructions with a slight confusion and his frustrating grunts I decided to go get him something to drink. I stood up, hearing wood hit more wood together, "where are you going?" "To pee, you want to watch?" I joked at him, ignoring his response, walking out before I could even hear it. I made my way easily down the stairs, holding onto the railing and taking my time. I got down in the kitchen, opening the fridge, I froze in place, sharp shooting pain in my stomach hit me like a eighteen wheeler at full speed, downhill with no brakes. I cringed in my face and to exhale a few short times before it stopped. I resumed to my task at hand, Ryan's drink, another pain hit me again causing me to grab the sink. "RYAN! RYAN! RYYYYYAN!" with the pain in my stomach my main center of attention, I wasn't sure he could hear me, I heard steady thuds down the stairs, pacing towards me quicker and quicker "I'm in labor," only hoping he could hear my faint voice. "Your satanic baby could have waited an hour longer, okay the bags are in the trunk. Come on let's go." He picked me up in a swift movement, while I screamed and writhed in pain. He rushed me into the car wasting no time on anything. He drove like a mad man to the hospital, making the speed limit signs seem like they didn't exist. The pain was coming faster, each time it had quit it seemed to hit me again. Ryan grabbed the bags left in the trunk from picking up the crib before he grabbed me. Supporting me under my arm we walked in the ER entrance and Ryan screaming, "help!" Didn't make me feel any happier. "Can you fucking shut up before I stab your eyes out and stomp on them in the most angry possible jump I can." "Such a happy attitude for the birth of your daughter. Snap a picture for the scrapbook." I could tell Ryan was being sarcastic, trying to liven up the moment. A lady in pink scrubs came rushing toward us with a wheelchair, "she's in labor," Ryan told her and she rushed me into the delivery room.
Answering the nurses questions as accurate as possible, she got me set up in a bed with a doctor to examine me. She put me on an epidural to ease my contraction pain, and I was floating on cloud 500, feeling better than cloud 9. My doctor walked in putting on his left green glove, viewing my chart, "miss Aubree, how's the contractions, easing up?" He spoke as he sat in a stool. "Much better," I agreed with him. Aside from the fact I felt that I was upside down looking at my doctor from the ceiling, I felt great, real great. "Good, if you don't mind, I'm just going to see how dilated and effaced you are. It's going to help us determine when your labor will actually begin." He smiled at me scooting closer to my legs, I was starting to wonder how he was going to reach me on the ceiling. Once I looked down at him he was already up here with me, Ryan still in the chair was the only one on the floor. "Well, Aubree you're 5CM dilated and 40 percent effaced. If we can boost that up to 8CM dilated and around 75-80 percent effaced we can start preparing for labor. Right now just relax and catch some sleep." "What's effaced mean?" Ryan asked down from the floor. I wanted to happily wave at him from up here to come join us. "It's how softened her vaginal walls are to prepare for the birth, the softer the better." Ryan made a face in disgust as if he had heard enough, the doctor wished us luck as he left my room and I felt like I could use a nap. Ryan propped his feet up in the chair as he flicked through the channels on the TV. The room, in my vision looked like an upside down, Tilt-O-Whirl slash carousel spinning around, if Ryan could see me he would wonder if I was on drugs. I felt just like my vision looked, afraid to talk that my words would be backwards, afraid to walk that I might fall over, afraid to move and upset the never ending spin in my head. I started to wonder what was normal, it seemed so fantasy like, like a vivid dream. I could pinch myself and wake up back at my real moms house, on the chair and stop myself from finding out about my pregnancy. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare I was calling reality, being in a hospital bed, hooked into an IV, waiting for labor. I hadn't told Vance about my current status on Operation Zada, but I had planned to once I got closer in centimeters. Why would I want to make him wait on someone he doesn't, don't and will never love? Someone he won't be a parent to? Someone he'll deny quick as she's born? How could you turn down your own flesh and blood? DNA tests show the father is 99.9% his, that one percent goes to mom. Zada is one percent mine and ninety nine percent of Vance in the deoxyribonucleic acid, so why would he not want to see her?
I woke up at whatever time, taking a minute to get fully woken up. I must have needed sleep because my rooms clock showed 9:00 and it looked dark out. I remember coming in the hospital around two, so had I only slept seven hours? With my eyes adjusted, they scanned the pink decorated room for Ryan, I was by myself now unless Ryan had gone to get food. Figuring I would sleep like the dead, for a while I laid in silence, only hearing the desk phone ring, the PA paging nurses and doctors, and voices from the nurses walking the halls. Of course there was one good thing to this pregnancy, I hadn't seen Aunt Flow in nine months. I didn't miss it and after Zada I felt that she would seek revenge out on me and my bed sheets. No wonder women want so many children, I would too but not just for that reason, that's a poor excuse to want to be a mother. I was starting to finally come to, my stare blank and sleepish, a knock on the giant wooden door startled me. My nurse, peppy and full of energy came in followed by the doctor, "Ms. Aubree, care if I check on the baby?" He smiled politely at me as my nurse put on her gloves. "Go ahead," I said emotionless,he walked over to his stool as I propped my legs up. I felt the nervous building up in my stomach, praying I was close enough so they can do something to get Zada out. "You're at 9CM and 90% effaced! Good job, girl. We're going to go ahead and induce your labor, so we can get your little baby out safely." "What do you mean safely?" Shock on my face, fearing something was going to be wrong with my baby. "It's nothing bad, when you were having your contractions and came in, your body wasn't necessarily ready. You weren't dilated enough for the birth, which is why we gave you medication to slow them down and ease the pain. If the mom is under 7CM dilated it can be bad for the baby, it's not enough for him to pass through, so to speak. It's quite common." I relaxed back in my bed and started hoping for the best. As my doctor spoke in terms and words I didn't understand to my nurse I started wondering where Ryan had got to. Surely he hadn't got lost, my room was easy to find, I would assume, just look at the room number and remember it. The nurses prepped me for delivery, and the only thing running through my head was Ryan and where he had gone to. What was he going to think when he came back to an empty room? Was he going to miss the birth of our baby being born? Did he even care at this point? Had I said something in my sleep to piss him off? With so many thoughts, theories and questions circling my head continuously I hadn't realized they were bringing me out of the room and taking me to 'Delivery.' I came to the conclusion the Ryan was going to miss my birth but I just couldn't put it off to wait for him. Nurses and doctors wouldn't put my birth on hold to wait for a soon to be dad who decided to leave. This baby is going to be born, dad in the room or not. Whether I was mentally ready for a child or not she was on her way, my body knew what to do and was gearing up for pushing a seven to eight pound baby out of a hole the size of a grapefruit. Nurses surrounded me as I lay still speaking that big medical language that sounded Spanish to me. "I'm not too late am I?"
"Am I too late?" My eyes shot open, Ryan standing at the door with a wide innocent grin. All I could do was roll my eyes at him, he didn't miss anything major but the fact he was gone when I needed him made me angry, I could have went into labor and he would never know. He made me so angry sometimes I wanted to smack him in the face with a package of Ovaltine. Like when he sat up the bassinet, he thought I was going to rip his head off, "Ryan, that doesn't look like a bassinet, that looks like a coffin with a bow. Fix this shit with the damn instructions, you're not going to grow ovaries, calm down." I made him mad saying he would grow feminine parts but men refuse instructions like they're going to be less of a 'man.' "Where in the hell have you been, Ryan?" My question came out more like of a demand. It should be, with him gone for as long as he was I should demand to know, and for good reason, I'm in labor. "Well. I got hungry so I looked at the cafeteria, nothing good. So, I went out to Taco Bell, fell asleep in the car for a little while before I came in. And I thought I should get you a present. Now here I am, anything I can get to please thine Queen?" He smirked at me, mischievously but playfully, his thick black eyebrows lowered. "I want to see what you got me, bring it here." My anger, to the point where I didn't care made my voice harsh and erratic. Ryan, with his hands behind his back slumped his feet forward towards me. "Darling, not now. Of course I want to show you my gift I got you but not like this, not in a hospital with you going in labor, it's not how I imagined I would show you, I pictured it better than this." I angrily frowned at him, I guess I understood in what he said, a hospital isn't the best place to share gifts. Even though I wanted the gift now, I could wait until Zada arrived, it wouldn't be fair to keep her from the love spilling out from Ryan and I. "I understand, Ryan. Right now isn't the time to play Santa." I muttered to him, a painful contraction hit me like a rock and all I could do was scream. Zada was officially on her way to the world and now, there was no turning back, no delaying the contractions any longer. My doctor rushed in, my vision going blurry again, the sweat starting to put a sheen to my face, "push, Aubree!" He screamed getting to his chair, my stomach felt like a nauseous tightening, a weird way to explain it, but that's what it felt like. The tightening grew and grew as I pushed but I had to look past it, if I threw up then I threw up. No more set backs for Zada, I wanted her out and I wanted her out now. As I pushed my face became red and dripping in sweat, I remembered to breathe between pushes and applied it to myself. Ryan had a cool washcloth on my forehead, to help ease the hotness radiating from my head. I grabbed Ryan's arm as I pushed this time even harder, "you're going to die!" I screamed at him in pain and frustration. The pain was indescribable and not something you would want to experience very often, but knowing a good thing coming out of it, your child, makes the pain worth while. "Congratulations, Ms. Aubree," my doctor smiled, handing Zada to me, she was beautiful and everything I imagined her to be. Something about her was off, she didn't match mine nor Vance's skin tone, she was darker, like a more sun kissed tan, like honey, than mine. Zada was mixed? Was it possible I had miscalculated the days in my head with who I had been with? Vance told me he wore a condom, maybe he was right after all and I wasn't crazy. Vance wasn't a father and now I knew for sure, now I had to rethink who her real father is and get it right. The nurse wrote Zada's birth and name down on her birth certificate and stamped her foot before taking her back into the nursery with the other babies. It was just Ryan and I now, in awkward silence, knowing he knew what I knew, and saw what I saw. "You told me it was Vance, Aubree, you swore it was him, unless Vance has African American in his genes then I better have a damn good explanation for her skin. "I don't know, Ryan, I miscalculated in my head. I swore it was Vance, he was the only guy I recently had relations with. Can you explain that, Ryan? Okay, so I fucked up the days in my head and reality proved it, didn't it? I'm human just like you, I make mistakes and I'm sorry I lied but did I know? No I didn't. Don't jump down my fucking back at something I didn't know, just go, Ryan. I can't look at you right now." I turned over in my bed away from him, closing my eyes so I couldn't watch him as he opened the door to leave. I didn't know why Ryan was upset, maybe because I poured my heart into swearing Vance was her real father, it made sense in my head. He seemed to be the only logically person to even be considered her father because of the dates. Then it hit me, when I was dating Vance we split and seen other people, I was hooking up with a college boy, Shawn. The last time Shawn and I hooked up was after Vance and I already had, so by logic, Vance warmed up the ovaries and then Shawn fertilized them. Now it made sense! I wasn't crazy and I knew the father. Now if I could only rewind the last few minutes and tell Ryan what I really meant to say instead of making the situation worse I would be fine. I reached for my phone on the nightstand and sent Vance a message to tell him the news that Zada was born at eight pounds, six ounces and eighteen inches long. That she was born at eleven - thirty and that he wasn't the father. Like he cared anyways, he didn't even show up like he promised, typical As I backed out of the conversation I seen the text messages between Ryan and I, I tapped on his name bringing up our conversation. I started scrolling through the texts. Ryan: I miss us hanging out. Ryan: Aubree, why do you let guys do you this way? You know I hate seeing you hurt and it's like you do it deliberately to hurt me too. Ryan: If you need to come over, you can. You can sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch. I started reading the text messages over and over, my eyes watering at something I should have realized a lot sooner, Ryan cared. I was too blind and caught up in the bad guys that I was so addicted to, to see it. Ryan loves me and I love him and now he thinks I threw it all away. Ryan, I'm sorry, I acted out on anger. Wherever you are it's not where you belong, come back. Zada needs you, I need you. I closed my eyes and prayed he would respond back to me. Hoping for the best, I wiped my eyes on my blankets, mentally beating myself up over the fight. My body numb and full of pain, fearing what would happen that always happens, heartbreak. I hated to argue, even though I done it enough for people to think otherwise, I really didn't like it. With no reply back from Ryan I shut off my phone, nonchalantly laying it on the nightstand and tried to get some rest. My body felt weak and numb, I knew I shouldn't have said what I did but it was in the heat of the moment. And feeling ignored made it worse. I slept all night and most of the day, the drugs from the labor must have helped put me to sleep, I didn't wake up from any strange or bad dreams. I did wake up to company, Ryan and my biological mother. Crap. "Hey," I said in a shy and innocent tone. I knew my mom would chew me out from one end of the room to the next if Ryan had told her everything. She's a conservative type of person who believes birth should be from the real dad and marriage should come first before a child is even considered. I was in a shit storm. "Aubree, why are you here? What's the matter?" My mom spoke concerned and unaware of the real situation, apparently. "Umm..." "She adopted a child and they ran some tests on her to make sure she was clear of any illness." Ryan interrupted, why was he covering up for me? I never told him about what my mom believed in marriage and children, plus he was beyond mad at me. "You adopted, Aubree? Why so soon?" More concerned now than she was upset. At least I wouldn't get a lecture on marriage after all. "Well, during one of the tests they ran they discovered I may not ever have any children, something about my ovaries. So, I went ahead and adopted, a woman went into labor a few days ago and was planning for adoption so I'm hoping to get her child. They even let me name her." I prayed my lie was good enough for her to believe, I knew nothing about adoption or how it worked so I had to cross my fingers, toes and knees that she would believe me.
"Oh, Aubree, I wish you would have told me all this sooner. I could have helped you with gifts." At least mom was opening up to the fact she was a secret grandma, I would tell her but in the mess I'm in I would wait a while, maybe a month or so. "Mom, I don't need it, Ryan and I bought everything we need, we have it set up in a nursery. Everything is ready for her until she's a toddler, I want a child more than anything and since your views on children are different than mine I was planning on adoption anyways. I didn't want to go against your views and have you hate me because God forbid I have a child before I'm married." "Aubree, my views and beliefs shouldn't affect you, you're a grown woman and you know what you want in life." "Well, in that case, you're a grandma. I went in labor at eleven - thirty. Her name is Zada, mom. I said the whole adoption thing to protect you and myself, I didn't want you to hate me because I'm not married, because I'm young, and not ready for a baby." "Aubree, you're not young, at least mentally. You're twenty two but you behave like your thirty, you've always been mature, you've always acted years older than what you are. I can't say anything bad about you, I know you can handle a child, probably better than a married couple could. And you know if you need help, ever, you can come to me." I nodded my head at her, I felt Ryan's deep brown eyes piercing me but I wouldn't flinch, I couldn't look at him. At the same time I wanted to talk to him but I was afraid that he would still be mad. I knew he would lecture me if mom wasn't going to, I figured I should prepare anyways. I was going to hear it from one or the other and I wasn't too thrilled about either one giving me lectures right now. I really just wanted to be alone, just myself and think some things over. Whether I could have that peace of mind or not I wasn't sure, I wanted a nap, food and to go home with Zada. It seemed like my life was based around me being sad, every good moment that happened to me brought me down with something bad. I have Zada and Ryan throws a fit over her father, I have a boyfriend and I get heartbroken. Why, just one time couldn't I finally be happy? I'm not the type that pleases everyone, I know I can't but I don't intentionally hurt people around me, so why can't I be happy, just for once? I wanted my life to have one moment of happiness and even though I did when I gave birth to Zada, it got crushed from an argument I could have stopped. Ryan in the recliner next to me didn't pay me any attention, like I was invisible, that made me feel even better. I know Ryan, I know how he gets during our fights, we've had plenty, all he needed was time and I knew him being around me in the state that he is wasn't good. With my moms excitement about being a grandma having died down, she turned her attention to the news. A perfect chance for me to sneak a piece of paper from the nightstand to tell Ryan to go. I didn't want to convey my message in a angry way so I figured I could work around some words. Ryan, I know you don't want to be around me right now, in the mood you're in. I don't want to make you feel any worse than you already are. I know we'll get through this like we have the others. I'm sorry for saying what I said the way I did, you know how I am. So I'm giving you my permission to get out, go wherever you want and take the time you need. You don't have to pretend because I see it in your eyes. Don't worry about Zada or me, we'll be fine. I love you, Ryan. I folded the piece of paper up and hit the corner of it on Ryan's arm to get his attention. He smirked as he reached for it, opening it up and quickly reading it, he shook his head no, his hand held out for the pen out of his reach, I gave it to him. He had it folded back and tossed it in my lap, I hesitated to open it at first. Aubree, even though you're right, and I probably should leave, I won't. I'm not going to leave you or Zada. I really shouldn't have gotten so angry at you in the first place, it shouldn't concern me who's the father of Zada, even though I will be. I'm still not leaving.