The Way to My Heart

So... Another story. Sorry. I need to stop but I cannot :c I hope you like it though. It's a little dark.. but things will get better .-. Thanks!

-Katie Shute

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I remember the day like any other day. The day I had ultimately found myself weak and defenseless against a man I had trusted and had been in my life for almost three years. The man who raped and impregnated me at the age of fourteen and made me feel disgusting, violated and... dirty.

I was eleven when my mom brought her new boyfriend, Chris home. He was younger and very handsome. Apparently she had met him through her work and they had been dating secretly for two months prior to me meeting him. He seemed nice and kind and at first I really liked him. He treated my mom well and would take me places like the library and to the zoo. He was very fatherly like for the next two and a half years until that one night. It was the night my mother left for a business trip and left me at home with him while she was gone. I was excited and had expected to stay up late watching movies and eating junk food but that wasn't the case. The night she left was the first time he ever made a move...

"Come here Jane," he had said. He had been sitting on the couch, his arms open wide to me.

I loved his hugs. They were warm and they reminded me of the hugs my father gave me whenever I went to visit him which wasn't very often. I remember hugging him and the next thing I knew his hands had slipped inside my shirt and moving up my back. I hadn't really though anything of it until I felt his lips on my neck. I had tried to wriggle free and told him I was uncomfortable with that kind of hugging. Before I knew it I was on the floor and he was on top of me. I remember screaming and crying in pain as I felt my insides being forcibly ripped. It hurt... not in the pleasant kind of hurt when you are with the one you love... but real hurt. Almost an unbearable kind of hurt.

It wasn't the only time it happened. It happened at least four more times after that night. Each time it hurt more and more and eventually I became pregnant. I was horrified. Disgusted. Though having a living being inside you is supposed to be an amazing thing... I was disgusted. I hated it. I had hated it so much even though it wasn't the baby's fault. I wept and eventually with the signature of Chris, I aborted the small being that had begun growing inside me. It was only a week later when I went to confront my mother. However I was unable to tell her. I couldn't say anything to her for fear of rejection or the blame being put on me. Instead I weakly said,

"Mom. I'm really missing Dad. I know it's a lot to ask but... is it possible for me to go and live with him? This doesn't mean I don't love you or him any more or less. I'm just missing him very much. And Dawson too." Dawson was my older brother by two years. He was my favourite person and I loved him more than anything. I always looked forward to visiting him and Dad whenever I got the chance. My mother wasn't too keen on the idea of me living with my father in the big city of New York but after a long talk she finally decided to let me stay with my father through my high school years with the exception that I visit her often.

I was happy.

Very happy.

And within two weeks I was completely ready to move away from that place.

"I'll miss you so much," my mother sobbed as she wrapped her arms around me before I got in the cab. "Make sure you visit or I'll be sad."

"Yes Mom."

"And be sure to call when you get there so I don't worry, okay?"

"Yes."

"And make sure to say goodbye to Chris. He is waiting at the bus station for you. He will see you off since I have to work. I know he'll worry about you too."

I didn't say anything. I only stared at her, unable to say anything. I couldn't. As much as I wanted to blurt it out, I couldn't destroy the happiness she believed she had with him.

"Jane?"

I only nodded.

"Good," she said and she kissed my forehead. "Have fun and have a great time at high school. Make lots of friends and be sure to tell me of any boyfriends."

Hearing this I felt a sudden chill run through my body. Boyfriend. Thinking of another man touching me... violating me... no. I would not allow it. Never. I didn't care if that meant I'd die alone. I would never allow something like that to happen to me again. Never.

"Good bye my Jane," said my mother as I entered the cab. She waved as the cab started moving and I waved back.

I would miss her. I would definitely miss my life with her. I loved her more than anything but there was no way I could last another day in that house with that man. It was to terrifying and unbearable. This was the only way I could get away from it all. The only way to relax and be at peace for a while. I was very much relieved.

As I arrived at the bus station I saw Chris standing by the entrance smoking a cigarette. When he saw me he grinned and put it out.

"Hey there, Chickie," he said and he put his hand on my shoulder.

I remained silent and he slipped an arm around my waist as I walked to the terminal to get on my bus. His hand moved lower and lower until finally I moved myself away from him.

"Please stop," I said quietly.

"Stop what?"

"Don't touch me."

"Don't say things you don't mean, Chickie," he said as he raised my chin with his fingers and kissed my cheek. "You know you love me," he said as he brushed his lips against mine.

I pushed him away instantly and he pulled me back harshly and moved in to whisper in my ear. "Don't deny me," he said as his hand slipped into the front of my jeans.

"We're in public!" I said, my voice squeaking.

"Would you rather me do it in private?" He asked as he trailed his tongue along my bottom lip. "I can arrange a little something before you leave. What do you say?"

"No!" I shouted and I jumped back away from him and ran with my luggage to the terminal.

As I reached the bus I felt him grab me from behind. He spun me around and kissed me full on the lips. His tongue poked at my lips and eventually he forcibly entered it into my mouth. He kissed me hard and suddenly I felt tears streaming down my face. I was terrified. I wanted to leave. Now.

He finally released me and before he could a anything, I wheeled my bag to the man who was putting the luggage on the bus and rushed onto it faster than normal. I looked for me seat which happened to be at the very back and sat there, curling my legs up onto the seat and burying my face in my knees. In a few hours I'd be with my dad and Dawson. In a few hours I would be safe.

Minutes before the bus departed, a heavy knapsack hit the seat beside me. I looked up to see an angry looking man, not much older than me on his phone. He was angrily speaking but I didn't pay much attention as to what he was saying specifically. I examined him. He was tall, probably much taller than me. He had dark hair and dark eyes and what I thought to be a handsome face. He wore a snapback and a chain with a ring on it around his neck. After he was finished he looked down at me.

"Sorry?"

"F-for what?" I asked quietly.

"I startled you, didn't I? I saw it on your face. You looked a little shocked when I threw my bag down. My bad," he said as he sat down next to me. "I guess you're my bus buddy for this ride. I'm Brayden Sheffield. You are?"

I didn't look at him. I felt awkward and even a little... scared.

"Not going to answer? What, did I frighten you or something? Ah sorry, I didn't think I was that scary just now."

From the corner of my eye I could see him moving a little closer to me. My heart began to race faster and faster and I could even feel tears forming.

"No!" I screamed.

The whole bus went silent as did Brayden. I bit my lip to keep from crying.

"What the hell?" Said someone nearer to the front.

"What's her problem?"

"Who was it?"

"The stupid teenage girl in the back."

There were whispers that floated around the bus and I could feel my cheeks grow warm in embarrassment. I closed my eyes and let my heart calm down.

"Sorry."

My eyes shot open and I looked at Brayden. He looked a little awkward and he didn't look at me straight in the eye.

"No... that was me..."

"What?"

"It was my fault. Um... I'm..."

"Scared of guys? It's cool, I understand. Don't worry about it."

He understood? Really? I couldn't help but smile just a little. He was kind. Of course I didn't fully know him but he seemed to be the kind of person who respected other people and didn't judge.

"Can I talk to you though?"

"Pardon...?"

"Of course you don't need to respond but it's a long bus ride and I would rather be talking than staying quiet."

"Alright then."

As the bus departed I thought to myself about men. I had never been afraid of them before. But even with Brayden... Although I didn't know much about him, he seemed nice enough. Yet... sitting next to him made me want to throw up. I really was scared.

"Well I'm going to New York to go to high school. I'm In my final year you see and wow do I have plans. I really want to be..."

He continued to talk and talk as we drove on. I didn't utter a single word the entire time but merely listened to his voice as he spoke of his family and his future. It seemed like a nice life and untainted like mine. What I would give to live a normal life again. At fourteen girls have problems like how to properly wear make up and how to date. Me at fourteen... I have one problem. I'm not pure anymore and have to endure the pain of knowing I killed a small baby that had once been growing inside me.

 

I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep until my eyes fluttered open and looked around. I also hadn't realized that I had fallen asleep on the shoulder of Brayden either.

"Oh you're up?"

Shocked I sat straight up and didn't look at him or say anything. Instead I pretended to notice something out the window. I saw an urban community much like the one I grew up in and noticed the big city up ahead. I could tell that the bus station was coming up and I sighed in relief. As the bus made its way to a halt in the terminal I waited patiently while everyone else moved off the bus including Brayden. After they all left I then made my way off. As I got off I could see my brother and my father waiting for me. They hadn't seen me yet but I figured I'd get my luggage first.

"Hey, you weren't that bad of a bus partner," said a voice from behind me as I retrieved my bag from under the bus. Startled I whipped around to see Brayden. "Still not talking? Well it was nice to meet you nonetheless. Haha I don't even know your name. Anyways, I gotta go, bye," he said finally and he turned to leave.

"Jane..." I said in a low voice.

He turned back around. "Was that you who spoke?" He asked as a grin spread across his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch what you said."

"Ah... my name. My name is Jane..." I said just a little louder.

"Sorry. You really are quiet. Could you repeat?"

"Jane! My name is Jane!" I shouted.

He laughed and reached a hand and ruffled my hair. "Sorry sorry, I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear your voice."

Without thinking I slapped his hand away and stumbled backwards. He stood there, his face full of confusion and possibly hurt. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly but still maintained a small smile.

"If you didn't want me to touch you you could have just said so. You didn't need to give me such a harsh reaction. Sorry if I offended you or made you angry but... did you really need to do that?" He asked.

I didn't say anything and without doing or saying anything else, I brushed past him to make myself noticeable to Dawson and my father. When they saw me both of their faces lit up as well as mine. When I saw them I felt a sudden sense of security and relief. My father opened his arms and I ran into them like I used to when i was younger. I felt safe in his arms and he hugged me tightly.

"It's so good to see you Jane. I'm so happy you are coming to live with us. Did you have a good bus ride?"

I looked over my shoulder to see Brayden being welcomed by a tall blonde woman who looked slightly older than him. She was a beauty. His girlfriend? I shook the thought from my mind. Why was I thinking about him? I had only just met him and to be perfectly blunt, I wanted nothing to do with him.

"Jane? You seem to be spacing out... are you okay?" Asked Dawson. He smiled at me and took my luggage from my hands. "I'll carry this," he said and he gave me a reassuring look.

Without another word we left. My father as usual went on and on of their eccentric life in New York and how things will be different with me around. He spoke of the new neighbors in the apartment next to ours. He even joked about their oldest son, Paul who was the same age as me and was a lady killer. He winked at me saying I shouldn't fall for him too hard. I merely rolled my eyes at this. I probably wouldn't even talk to him anyways. Thinking about it actually brought upon chills.

When we reached the apartment I felt overjoyed by the familiarity of the place. Nothing had changed since the last time I had been here. My room looked untouched other than the obvious vacuum lines on the carpet. My room here was still the same purple room with posters of my horses and of Justin Bieber who I had secretly admired as a child but grew out of. My room was much smaller here than at my Mom's but I didn't mind it. As long as I had somewhere to sleep peacefully without any fear of being violated was good enough for me.

"So you're going to be going to the same high school as me," said Dawson as he entered my room. He flopped down on my bed resting his arms behind his head as he lay there looking at me. "Do you have any department you want to get into specifically?"

"Department?"

"Yeah. Our school has some other departments other than the regular department."

"I'm confused..." I said and I frowned. Departments? What was he talking about? What kind of school has departments? What kind of departments? My mind was overflowing with all the same questions.

"There's the athletic department which I am in. There's also an arts department, technology department and science department. Of course there's the regular departments which has no special studies, it's pretty much like any other high school."

"Oh... well I guess I applied for the Branford regular department? I don't think I applied to anywhere else," I said and I smiled.

"I thought for sure you'd apply for the arts because of your musical talent but I guess not. But know that you can transfer at anytime during the year. I mean, I was in the regular department when I first started out but was recruited onto the school soccer team and before I knew it I was a student in the athletic department. It's pretty cool. The classes are more laid back than the regular school."

"That's nice. I'm still a little confused but I'll look more into it later. Anyways... is it possible to be alone for a while? I want to relax for a bit. Sorry."

He smiled and sat up. "Of course. Also if you want, on Thursday we can take a tour of the campus before school starts next week. I can show you where you will be taking classes and where I go for classes so you can find me if you ever need me. Sound cool?"

I nodded. One week huh? My high school years were finally starting. I was happy but at the same time I felt a little nervous and anxious. More than anything I didn't want anyone to find out about what happened to me in junior high. How I was pregnant in junior high.

But...

...in all honesty...

... I was afraid.

 

Thursday came quicker than I thought. It was morning and I awoke to the sound of the city. The sounds on screeching tires and cars honking neverending at one another. Although the noise continued through the day and night, over the last few days I have been sleeping better and sounder.

There was a knock on my door and I sat up and stretched my arms before collapsing back onto my bed.

"Yes?"

"Are you ready?" Asked Dawson.

"I just woke up," I replied as I reached for my jeans off the back of my chair. "I'll be out in a few minutes." I quickly slipped into those jeans and put on a bright red t-shirt. I looked in the mirror and frowned. I was so plain. Plain face, plain clothes, plain brown hair that sat at least two inches above my shoulders... plain brown eyes and finally a plain face. I never wore make up, whenever I tried, the outcome was always disastrous. Without any fashion sense, I wore ten dollar shirts from Wal-mart or random things I bought at thrift shops that appealed to me. I was as plain as they come but in reality, who did I need to impress? No one. So in a way, I really didn't care how I looked to others.

"Jane, you have to eat something before you leave!" Called my dad.

"Coming!" I answered and I quickly brushed my hair before exiting my room to have breakfast with my Dawson and my dad.

"Are you excited about seeing the school with Dawson?" Asked my father as he reached for the peanut butter. "You're pretty much a high school student. I wish you all the best in making new friends," he said and he smiled hopefully at me.

"Like she's going to make any friends looking the way she does," said Dawson. "I mean really, are these the only kind of clothes you own?"

"Yeah," I said as I observed him. Dawson was always cool looking and was the type who would spend fifty bucks on a t-shirt as plain as mine. But since it was 'designer' or whatever it made him look stylish. His fashion sense was one hundred percent better than mine. But I was content with what I had.

"I think we should go shopping," he sighed.

"What's wrong with what I have. I like what I have."

"How can you be serious?" He asked as he shook his head. "You have no fashion sense whatsoever and I almost feel embarrassed for you. You're so plain. And as my sister I won't allow you to be plain. You're overall face isn't bad, maybe some make up would do the trick. And your clothes..." he shook his head. "I won't even get started. I've said enough on the subject."

I frowned. "You think I'm too plain? I knew I was plain but you make it sound like I'm the ugliest person alive."

"You're not ugly. Just plain," he said and he smiled.

"That's doesn't make it any better," I laughed and I shook my head.

In less than half an hour we were ready set and out the door. Though the streets were busy and barely any walking space on the sidewalks, I felt much safer in the city than at home with mom and Chris. It was hard to remain by Dawson's side and then I felt his hand grab onto mine and without thinking I ripped it from his grasp.

"Woah there, I didn't mean anything by it. Dad would kill me if I lost you in the city on the first day. I wasn't doing anything to be creepy, I'm your brother."

I could feel my face burning up. It wasn't because I thought it was creepy or that he meant anything by it... the touch of a man reminded me of Chris. I felt embarrassed and stupid and I could mutter was a 'sorry' to him. I had just been a little frightened but I could definitely never tell him something like that.

We arrived at the school minutes later. The walk was not far and the school was very nice and was very large. It was the largest school I had ever seen. In the front of the school, in big letters made of brick read: Branford, and in small letters: Secondary Institution. There were large windows just above the front entrance which people were already coming and going. Dawson and I entered the school and throughout the entire regular department he showed me all my classes and showed me the classes he had been in.

"Do you want to tour the department I am in?" he asked.

I nodded. In a way, I was curious to see what these other departments were like and I may as well start of with the one my brother was enrolled in. I followed him through a bunch of hallways before we entered a large courtyard. In the dead middle was a fountain I swear was larger than our apartment. All around were seating areas and full grown trees. Other buildings surrounded the courtyard. It was fantastic really.

"So this is the Branford courtyard. My building is to the right," he said as he pointed to the building that read "Athletic Department". All the buildings that surround this courtyard belong to the school. The technology building is the one directly opposite us and the science is the one to the left.'

I nodded. "But... where is the arts building?"

"Oh, you have to walk through the technology building to get there. It wasn't one of the original four departments until three years ago so they had to make a separate building for it. They keep adding new additions too. Over the summer they installed thirty new practice rooms and two years ago they started making an auditorium that should be finished by this year or the next."

I was amazed by the school. From where I lived there was nothing like this. Dawson shuffled me over to the athletic building and I could tell he was very proud of his accomplishments. Just as we were about to enter, the door for the entrance swung open and barely missed Dawson. I was shocked when I saw Brayden walk out.

"Oh! Hey sorry about that I-" he stopped and his eyes drifted towards me. He looked just as shocked as I was and he frowned.

"It's you," we both said.

Who would have thought we'd end up meeting again in high school...