Those you can't remember the past are condemned to repeat it. But I remember the past rather well, yet I seem to repeat it every now and then. It's always the same story with the same protagonists. The same situations, development and ending. It's always the same beginning. So yes, I know the script by heart. It's also a fact that I never want the story repeating itself and I truly dislike all the characters in the novel at some point, but make no mistake, as distant, cold, calculative, mean, rude and completely decisive, I go back into my place in the plot eventually. Some call the force that pushes me back into the same loop "love". Even the other people stuck in the show say the same defending, or at least trying to explain themselves. At this point in my life I'm not too sure whether it is indeed love or if it's a frightening lack of dignity and self-esteem or maybe even witchcraft. Maybe we're all simply weak minded and yet very good at manipulating others and we use both our flaws and talents into the wrong people, the end result being this same old story line. The mix of emotions along the trail of events that happen through the pages of our drama up to the very end are a suicidal cocktail that can either become an aphrodisiac, venom, an antidepressant, steroids or the whole opposite. It brings out the raw emotions of everyone involved and kicks them up a notch just so the explosion from the molotov makes a little more damage every time. I remember the past, I assure you once more. I remember the consequences of each return to the bridal bed of three. I remember my pain, anger and confusion. I remember and yet I come back. It never lasts too long and the come back of any of us gives enough joy to go for it again. We start slowly as usual but quickly sink deeper into our emotional scars, poking, scratching, blowing and spitting in each other's ulcers and feeling repulsed yet comforted about it. I learn from every experience I go through in life but these repetitive loops have taught me nothing other than besides the human instinct of masochism, we're all slightly idiotic as well. I'm nobody to be judging you from stepping out and back into an abusive relationship, but I am more than enough to judge myself and condemn my future to the endless repetition of this up and down trauma. I feel I should stop resisting but my nature doesn't let me. Talk about contradicting survival instincts. I resign myself yet battle my resignation. Passion
The problem is karma. Or what the west calls the unconscious. No matter how much we try to think and act our way through life, the patterns that repeat exist in the blueprint of our imagination. The blueprint is drawn by parents, siblings, trauma, memory both raw and elusive. We only have so much control over our lives. The ego insists that we have full responsibility, but yet that can not explain the repetitions that compose the rhythm of destiny. The only way to change the repetition is to do the hard work of changing the blueprint from within. The journey through the maze of your own psyche to slay the Minotaur of the your upbringing.