"I...I...love you..." I whispered in his ear. He suddenly backed away. "Claire, I'm sorry, I never thought of you that way... And your..." He looked at the horrid scar that took up most of my face. I felt sick to my stomach... I thought I had finally found a guy that liked me... I slapped him and ran away. Tears streamed down my face as I remembered the night that my life completely changed. It was a normal night, and I was planning a nice dinner with my ex-boyfriend. He came here early, and I could smell alcohol on his clothes. "Eric...." I said, "You're drunk.." He drunkly stumbled in and told me, "Why haven't you ever made love with me? You know I want it..." I gasped as he pinned me against the wall. "Eric!! Let me go or I'll call the police on you!!" He loosened up and I ran to the kitchen. I grabbed a phone but I didn't realize he was behind me. He grabbed me and I punched him in the face. "You little bitch....." He grabbed me and threw me on the floor. My head hit the counter, hard, and I screamed in pain. I looked up and saw a pan filled with boiling hot oil tip over and fall... Right on my face.
"I never meant to do it...." Eric told the detective, Mrs. Banks, "I was drunk... I barely remember what happened." His voice trailed off. She had no words. All she did was put down pictures of the burned down house and Claire's face. "Look at these. This should help." Eric sobbed as he looked through the pictures, and his tears seemed to blur reality, showing him what he did the night before. He was out partying with friends. He knew he shouldn't have, but he did. He drank way too much. Then it starts to be harder to remember. He sees Claire, he sees her burn, and then he watches as the house burns down around him. He calls for the detective to come back into the house. "Can I see her...?" He asked. "There's nothing left for you to see. She's in a very bad state, she's barely alive, a vegetable. And she's covered in bandages." The detective walked around the room. "I doubt she's even want to see you right, if she was awake." The detective rudely told him.
If the dialogue normally ends in a period, and a dialogue tag comes after it, it should end in a period and the next word should be lowercase if it's not a proper noun. Wrong "I like cookies." She said. Right.✅ "I like cookies," she said. Also, you switched tenses, and I would recommend adding detail. Keep going; it's not bad so far.
I will update later today or after Christmas ? depends on how bored I am it's just that there's a lot going on and stuff
Keep going. I agree it's moving pretty fast. More description. But it's a good story. Wall me when you update.