Hey guys, I haven't been writing a lot lately-or at all to be frank- but I wanted do a little one shot type thing. It's not really a story but I'm not sure what to call it so here goes nothing. >~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~< Today's the day. This year was supposed to be the year. The year where I wanted to truly be happy. The year where I wanted to have my first kiss, party hard but not too hard, break some hearts, get good grades, mess things up, but still be happy. This is the year I was supposed to rejoice in God. 4 4 months were spent mourning. I didn't know I liked him so much until he was gone. Gone without explanation, gone without a trace. Why he had to leave so abruptly. I wasn't in love with him-or at least I don't think so. I was just so infatuated with the idea of him. The fact that he had lived, the fact that he knew what I never dreamed of. He showed me a new life-one that wasn't perfect, but insanely happy. He made me feel special. "Everyone else is weird. Tara? Weird. Shannon? Nope. Jane? Definitely not. You're the only one for me. You're the only girl I talk to other than my mom and my sister, now. I'm DONE with New York. I ain't playin' with shit around there anymore. When I smoke around you, I feel like shit. Imma throw this out. You make me wanna be good. You make me wanna do good things." That's what he said to me, and I thought he meant it. I think he thought he meant it too... He was the pianist and I was the piano at the tips of his fingers. He played me so easily and with such precision- or that's was Ethan tells me. Ethan says I was a toy to James, but I don't believe it, still. The first time, he denied it and told me he admired my bravery. He thought it was sexy. But then I heard rumors again. I confronted him about it. He told me I could leave if I didn't believe him, but I could never leave him. I should have left. I leaned on him so much. I imagined our future together, how he would transfer out of community college to Cornell and provide for us. That was his plan. He wanted to be a hotel manager, is what he told me. That part, I know is true. We never told anyone about us. They wouldn't approve. Now, looking back, I know we-no I- should have because there's barely any proof that we were together except for (now) meaningless messages and the after taste of the heartbreak. We called each other late at night; 3-4 hours at a time. I don't even remember what we talked about. All I remember is that I was starting to be happy-genuinely happy. We messaged each other good morning and went on until we fell asleep texting or moved on to calling. I was first to like him (by a year). He had been long gone for that year. Far away. In bad places. I told him to comeback, but he never did. I was the first to like him, but he was the first to say he liked me. He told me I was prettier than all the other girls. He said he didn't believe me when I said I was a virgin and he lied and told me he was one too. I called him out on it and he laughed. I felt pressure and said I had never kissed someone on the lips, but I had on the neck. I'm a compulsive liar. I told him I felt like cutting myself-which was not entirely a lie because I get sad what with the emptiness, but maybe I exaggerated it a little. It only lasted a month, but that month felt like just an appetizer to the rest of our time together. Turns out it was all 3 courses. I still see him every week and I wonder why it had to be that way. He made me cry. Sob. Wail. We joke around now. He still gives me looks. He doesn't know it to me 8 months to stop crying. Now, one of my lies became a reality. I fill my void with pain-emotional and physical. I hold on to every single event of my life that cause pain because if I let go, I might have nothing. Same with the physical. All I want now is to not feel empty. I met this guy. I've known him since I was little. He has a story, but I don't know if he knows that I know. He didn't even look at me. I honestly think he hated me. Now, there's another guy. The nicest one. It's funny because I've never liked nice guys. This one's perfect. He handsome. So handsome. Athletic-not to mention he has a great body. He has a good family; one of our favorite family friends ever since I was a baby. He is incredibly smart, musically talented, and a little weird, but I liked it. Too bad he has a girlfriend. I stopped hurting myself. It scared me. But I've started again. I hear it's supposed to feel good-or make you feel good. That's really not true. The reason I do it is because I need to prove myself. I need to prove to myself that I am capable of more than what my circumstances may suggest. I need to prove to everyone that I am capable of pain. True pain. I miss God. I'm on my way back to Him. I need his love. I know I'm hurting him. I know his seeing me this way breaks his heart. I'm on my way back to Him. So, today's the day. The day for thanksgiving. I am thankful for my pain. I am thankful for my hurt. I am thankful for the good that comes out of my suffering. I am thankful for Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. I am thankful for the Cross. I am thankful for not having had my first kiss yet. God has promised me that I will find someone. I am thankful for being sane. I am not like my cousin. He is not sane. I am thankful for my parents who have kept me sane. I am thankful for my brother. I am thankful for my dogs and the guinea pig I got in fourth grade that just won't stop living. I am thankful for my full functioning body. I am thankful for the neighborhood I live in. I am thankful for my insecurities. I am thankful for my anxiety. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for my enemies. I am thankful for those who love me. I am thankful for those who despise me. I am thankful for unrequited love. I am thankful for my digressions. I am thankful that I am smart. I am thankful that I am stupid. I am thankful for my lack of speaking skills. I am thankful for being popular and a loser all at the same time. I am thankful for everything. EVERYTHING. I am thankful, again, for my Lord and Savior. Nothing is meaningless. And for that, I am thankful. =~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~= I know it's a little rough and there may be a few errors and a lot of tangents, but I just free wrote. Some of it might not make sense, but it's okay.