Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!
A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun." When they are up their the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!" The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?" The girl says, "Mom were just having s*x." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber.
My best joke, though it's best said aloud. ? What does a pissed off chicken sound like? *imitates chicken sounds* Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off!
A blond walks into a gas station and asks the cashier if he has a coat hanger that she could borrow. The cashier says yes but what for? The blond says that she locked herself out of her vehicle accidentally. The cashier sees this as a reasonable answer, so he gives her a wire coat hanger. The blond leaves and the cashier waist for her to come back. 30 minutes later, the cashier begins to wonder where that blonde is. He goes outside to find the blond he gave the coat hanger to, by her vehicle. And he sees another blond inside the vehicle yelling, "You've almost got it! Keep going!"
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!" "EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins." Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
One day little Johnny was pulling his little red wagon down the road and he got stuck in sum mud, he said god damn it. An old man walking by said, never say gods name in vein. Little Johnny asked why, the man replied, because god is all around us. Little Johnny said is he on that tree, the man said he sure is, little Johnny said is he on that rock, man said yep, little Johnny said well is he in my little red wagon, the man sighed and said yes he is, little Johnny said, well tell him to get his ass out and push were stuck in mud.
Cop knokcs on the mans door and says im giving you a tikcet. "Your dog was chasing a kid on a bike!" Man replies "But my dog doesn't know how to ride a bike"
Hillary Clinton says she's the most qualified because she was married to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you.. If a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, "wait.. Lets get his wife."