The smell of smoke was thick in the air. Some girls were smoking cigarettes just a few feet away from me. ugh. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head, fixing my raven black hair. I looked at my eyes, my bangs about to fall over them. I held them up and just stared at my golden yellow eyes. I'm human, but i have the eyes of a wolf. Piercing and terrifying. People say that i have the gaze of a predator. You don't say? I roll my sleeves down over my hands, covering my week old scars and sigh. I'm quiet, shy.. i'm starving right now, but lunch passed. I didn't eat for the same exact reason. The popular group is always judging. Why me? Why not someone else? Out of all 700 kids in this school, why me? I look down at my stomach, which is bellowing like a whale. I clutch my stomach and feel hunger gnaw my very insides. I take a deep breath and walk out of the bathroom. Oh. Shīt. The icy blue eyes find my golden eyes in an instant. Ashley's golden hair falls down to her shoulders like a yellow waterfall. No, no, no. I immediately look down. I swear i can hear her grin. "Hey, freak." She says. I stay quiet and keep walking down the hall. My jacket five sizes too big and jeans super skinny. She calls out again. "Were you cutting in there?" I don't answer. I can feel everyone's eyes on me. Oh god. Don't look at me. Please, don't look at me. Everyone must hate me. Oh god. Stop it, stop looking at me. Did i do something? Over my thoughts i hear her annoying, squealing voice. "I'm going in! I'm hoping to find your blood, freak!" I hear rumors of amusement pass down the hall. Oh my god, please stop. Stop now. I feel a tear slide down to my chin. I wipe it away and keep walking with my head down. My legs shake, my body trembles. I choke on a sob and take a sharp intake of breath. I'm almost around the corner. Just stop judging me. Please. I round the corner and run. I run in the direction of my house. The final bell rings behind me. I feel like as if i haven't moved. I feel like i was held back even if i ran fast. I could still feel her cruel gaze on me. Oh my god, make it stop! That's when i realize i'm in my room. I collapse on the floor and breakdown. A loud, ragged cry escapes me. Why am i crying so badly? She just teased a little.. but i cry like this once in a while. I bottle up my feelings and ignore them for so long, when i finally can't take it anymore.. I explode. I'm too deep in the pain. Why was i born like this? No, why was she even born?! What did i ever do to her?! Anger bubbles inside of me when my older brother enters. He lays a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay, Onyx? What's wrong?" My anger disappears at the sound of his gentle, worried voice. I wipe my eyes and turn to him, hugging him. He's been my friend since the beginning. He's more than a friend and brother to me. He's my other half. And he's my twin. With my same eyes and hair. I feel my depression take me over. "I'm fine, Tony." I manage to sniffle out. He nods and hugs me tighter. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I'm just .. starting this out and yeah ... maybe, give me your thoughts on it? good or bad, i'll take them. thank you. ~ -BW-
Not bad so far. I would suggest adding more detail and emotion, as well as some more complex sentence structures with comma and all that (but not too many). Dialogue is written like this: "I like cookies," she said. Not: "I like cookies." She said. Also, don't bypass, because it could get this thread locked or you silenced. Bypassing is deliberately going past a filter. For example, if pie was a swear, then pīe, p**, pië, p*e, pįe, etc. would all be bypassing. But all in all, it's not a bad start. Keep writing!
Thanks for the feedback. Big thank you. I don't really think i'll write, though. i'm pretty horrible at it. heh.