 One Final Case 

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by i_am_ironman_, Sep 27, 2013.

  1. One Final Case 

    I can't be late again! I thought as I ran down the street in the rain. It was already 8:52a.m. and I needed to be at work at 9. I continued through the rain until I came to the all to familiar abandoned house and I had to stop.

    You see, I'm an investigator, in a small town, Encinitas California, well... at least I used to be. Jim Caraway is the name you might of heard I me? I was the one who solved the diamond theft mystery and captured Nick Gregory the infamous murderer.

    Anyways, as I was saying I always stop at this old abandon house, it brings back the memories you know? The biggest mystery of my career started, and ended in this house, it was where I caught Nick Gregory 14 murders later and finally ended this rein of terror.
     
  2. I know it's really short but I don't want to post more yet just to see if people are actually interested I've tried to right a story few years back and never got anyone to stay so we'll see how this goes and if it continues :)
     
  3. Post the next chapters! Intriguing minds want to know what happens next 
     
  4. okay haha I don't know what I'm doing so I'll listen to you 
     
  5. I remember the day I got the case. It was a Tuesday, 3 days after I stated my new job at an electronic repair store i can't remember the name I was only there a week.

    Anyways, I was at my repair station working on an old computer when my boss barged through the door screaming

    "You've only been her 3 days Caraway and you've already had more visitors than anyone else who has been here over 5years! One more this week and your fired I can't have you wasting my profits by socializing all day!"

    I'll admit I've been getting a lot of people coming in with cases anywhere from a lost watch to a stolen car and I felt bad turning them all down. So I was very surprised when the chief of police entered the room. Immediately he sat down and started talking to me.

    "Jim will you please come back? Your the best investigator Encinitas has ever had."

    "what's the case? I asked rather annoyed."

    "Well it involves murders of 10 people... Well that's how many we found so far. The murderers name is Nick Gregory, that's all we really know."

    After some convincing I finally agreed to help and he left an envelope with information and clues so far. The hunt was on!
     
  6.  This is a good mystery story
     
  7. Oooh, interesting 
    I love detective stories!
    Update! 
     
  8. The plot isn't bad, your grammar and spelling is great, it's just that your writing style is a little… basic? I dunno how to say it. Unprofessional maybe. Like when it says "the electronic repair store I forget the name of."

    Just add some details, add some suspense, replace simple words with more complex ones, and eliminate the bad kind of repetition (try not to start too many sentences with 'I'). Also, keep writing; your skills will improve with time.

    Overall, not bad! It'll be interesting to see where this goes.
     
  9. Ok if the police already have the guys full name it should be a cake walk figuring out who he is.
     
  10. Even if you do have the full name it's not really going to make it easier figuring out where they are or when and where they are going to strike next...
     
  11.  update 

    I stayed about an hour later that day to make up for some of my "socializing."

    When I got home I made my self a bowl of canned soup and began looking over the cases.

    Elizabeth Jones- 5'7" 127lbs. Age 19. Found dead in her closet hanging upside down from the ceiling, 4th finger on the left hand missing.

    James Taylor- 6'0" 163lbs. Age 17. Found dead in the gym changing room pool stick projecting though his heart, 4th finger on the left hand missing.

    Nick Evans- 5'11" 149lbs. Age 22.
    Found dead hanging by a noose in neighbors backyard, 4th finger on the left hand missing.

    Amanda Baker- 5'8" 132lbs. Age 25. Found laying dead next to Henry Fox throat sliced by a diamond ring found bloody next to the bodies, 4th finger on the left hand missing.

    Henry Fox- 5'9" 172lbs. Age 26. Found laying dead next to Amanda Baker ring box lodged down his throat, 4th finger on the left hand missing.

    That's all I could stand for the night, it was 10:48p.m. So I put my bowl in the sink and headed to bed when the phone rang.

    "Hello?" I said when I picked up the phone.

    "Ahh hello Mr. Caraway, I'm glad to see your on board, I really wanted a good challenge it should be fun watching you fail just like the others."

    As he spoke, I was trying to figure out who it was. "Who is this?" I finally asked.

    "You will get to know me soon enough," the voice laughed. "And don't worry about your life, I don't plan on taking it yet we just started to play as for Tony Miller... Well that's another story."

    I couldn't respondstA, as soon as he finished speaking the phone went dead. Who was that? I thought to myself and why bring up Tony? Then the realization hit me... It could have only been one person, Nick Gregory. I had just gotten into bed when I heard multiple police cars speed by sirens blaring.
     
  12. Wow I like the action! A few spelling/grammar mistakes still but it's not too bad.
     
  13. No. It's not good at all. If you are gonna write a story about law enforcement make sure you know a thing or two about it. If the police know his full name they wouldn't even need a investigator. All you have to do is use the process of elimination to find every guy with that name in that area and question them.
     
  14. Tiger, leave him alone. It's his story and he can write it the way he wants to.

    Even if cops do have a name, they can't place the murders on him without solid evidence. You have to have more than just a name.

    Keep writing love, your doing great on your story! =^.^= 
     
  15. Bump update soon
     
  16. I've taken more than 7 law enforcement classes. I think I know what I'm talking about.