"You jave to be kidding me! Do we seriously have to move to Beverly Hills, CA? I know that is a cool place to live but Courtney will miss me like crazy." I say indignantly at my parents. "But Jessica, we discusssed this! Your father finally became a famous music/tv/movie/director/producer(sorry if that was a lot) and he has his own studio in Hollywood, CA!" I looked at my mom like she was some crazy nutty person who would brag about her fabulous life! Hope you guys like it so far Comments are welcome as well as criticism but not so hrsh.
It's a good start but u should.... Write it in paragraphs Add more detail Try to introduce the character a bit more And instead of writing all the jobs just put it together like just say "A business man in Hollywood,California Be creative Make your story different A couple grammar mistakes That's it for now I think but really good start
Saph's advice is good. I have some things to add. Make a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. And please don't make her some spoiled, bratty, rich white chick who's in a love triangle and overreacts to everything.
Update #1 So the next day after my parents had told me we were moving, I start to e-mail my friends about me moving, typing sadly across the keyboard. I am not they type of girl who is used to moving for the first time. But as I think about it, moving and all that, I am a littke excited. As a child, I always dreamed of living in California, in the city, with all the celebrities, shopping, clothes, hot boys, hot cars, and THE BEACHES! I grab 5 boxes and start packing my pictures, music, games, and stuff animals. I start to wrap my pictures in newspaper so they won't get dammaged. I put my CDs in with my stuff animals. Later that day, I went down the street to my best friend, Krista's and said, "Hey Chica! How are you?" "I'm good, how are you?" I reply, "I'm not so good." "Why aren't you ok?" Krista asks me as she is looking concerned. "I'm moving to Los Angeles/Beverly Hills/Hollywood, California area." Krista looked at me in surprise, like I had just won the lottery. She then said, "I'm sad that you are moving but YOU'RE GONNA BE LIVING LARGE!" I was so excited about living large but at he same time I really want to be with my best friend. I'm almost 17. I should be able to not move. Choose one. She stays in her hometown and is bored and not successful or living large and having a successful life. Vote and I will choose. Living large has a surprise.
You're definitely improving. Be careful not to switch tenses, because you did that for a paragraph. And try to add some detail and use more complex vocabulary.
I'm not a writer, but I kinda have a critic I mean, your vote is kind of...umm, weird? I mean, you tell us it's boring and not successful and still telling us to choose But...that's just my opinion! I'm so sorry! But i still like your story so far