It had been around 8 months since my most recent thread, so here's ya one! Post your jokes below, and I know there are other threads like this, I'm just looking for a good time
Mom always told me, don't say anything if you don't have anything good to say. And people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room? "The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs. "The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window! "
An Asian guy, black guy, and white guy all went on a bear hunt. There asain guy said I bet I can go catch a 15ft bear. The other two said no you can't. He left and a few minutes later he came back with his bear. They ask how he do it. The Asian guy replied I saw the tracks I followed the tracks and got the bear. The black guy said he could go and catch him a 25ft bear. The other two said no you can't. He left and a few minutes later he came back with his bear. They ask how he do it. The black guy replied I saw the tracks I followed the tracks and got the bear. The white guy being all cocky said he could go out and catch him 40ft bear. The Asian and black guy both laughed and the white guy left stormed out mad. One hour turned to two hours.....two hours turned to four hours and they started to get worried and decided to go look for him. Just then the white guy came crawling in with his face busted open,arm broke, leg broke, and blood coming from his back. They asked what happen. He replied I saw the tracks...I followed the track and got hit by a train
Two military guy were promoted from privates to sergeants. One sergeant told the other let's go off bad and get something to eat. The other replied we can't do that we are going to get punish. The first guy pointed to his rank and said no we aren't we are sergeant now. Later on that day the first sergeant said lets go to a strip club.The other replied we can't do that we are going to get punish. The first guy pointed to his rank and said no we aren't we are sergeant now. While in the strip club the first guy met a girl who said she would have sex with him but she had an std. The first guy asked the second guy to go look up what a std was and to come back and give him the thumbs up or down. The second guy left and came back and gave him the thumbs up. Later in the next day the second guy visited the first guy in the hospital. The first guy yelled and said I thought you gave me the thumbs up. The second guy replied I did. It said std effects privates and he pointed to his rank and said we're sergeants now
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor Where's my tractor Why did simbas dad die? He didn't mufasa
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? " "Why? " "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere. "