This is my first fan fic EVAR so be pacing with me '.' As I walk down the street, just getting a cola real quick I hear a scream from the other docks, I rush over to see this beautiful lady being ganged up on, I rush and fight off the members and in an instant they're all on the ground in agonizing pain. "H-hey.." The lady said, seemingly shy. "Thanks.." As she gets up, I ask her name. Raven, oh how that name brings me joy but I have only just met her, I cannot fall into this love people say. She invites me to her house and I follow her, seeing her purple hood go over her head I am curious. "My name is Lucci, why do you put on that hood?" Asking as politely as I can. She does not speak and we arrive home, another older looking woman standing "ah Raven! And um... Uh.. Who?". I introduce myself and bow "Rob Lucci, lead member in the CP9, strongest government force in the world". They both gasp and stare at me as I lift from my bow. "My name is Star. It's an honor to see you Mr.Lucci!!" As she walks out getting her room ready, I hear a whimper from Raven. "What's wrong?" I ask. Raven:"shes Evil.. She's kept me captive in this hell ever since I was just a child..". Mouth gaped and shocked I stare at her "....". I take her by the hand and jump outside, snapping my fingers so a huge truck appears with everything packed and I land in it, putting it into 2nd gear and I rocket down the street. Raven:"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!". Me: "getting out of here" as I shoot it into 3rd gear and rockets, leaving a trail of flames as I look and see a cliff, but far ahead was my own homeland of an island, I shoot into 4th gear and go 9001 mph and I BLAST off the cliff, Raven screaming her head off I sweat and focus. Will our Characters survive this extreme stunt to escape? Find out next time I write peace Y'all ~GoldDRodger
It just moves a bit fast, it's a good start, try to include more detail of Raven and the main character.
Alright '.' Here are some details about Raven and Lucci Raven: Purple hoodie, flowing orange hair, about 16, 5'3, somewhat shy, black pants and sometimes she's wearing a cloak Lucci: he's actually a character from one piece XD, he's about 5'9, he's 18, he's got gothic-like hair, he wears all black That's about it lol, planning on updating the story soon be patient I got a life
9001 mph....... Woah. And it would've been better to include the info of the characters in an update and not just blurt it out
Alright guys, lets continue '.' Last time on DRAGON BALL Z XD LMFAO jk I sweat and grip the wheel as we shoot up into the air, the glimmering night sky and stars silence Raven's screaming and we both look up Raven: "it's so beautiful.." As much as I wanted to say it.. I could only mumble.. Lucci: "Just like..." I tried to say but before he could they RAMMED onto the solid ground of Norohara. Looking around curiously Raven got out of the car Raven: "where are we..?" Lucci jumped down Lucci: "This is my home town of Norohara" Raven just hugged Lucci as tight as she could and thanked him for letting her escape, Lucci, having slightly red cheeks just smiled Lucci: "cmon, lets go to my place, we could rest for the night" And as said they drives to Lucci's house by the shore, Raven crashed on the couch and Lucci dragged the bags inside Lucci: "make yourself at home" He says as he gets some snacks, throws one to Raven and he goes into his room, Raven, curious as always goes and listens through the door. All she can her is a faint humming sound and slight vibration, Raven backs off a bit afraid of what's behind the door. Raven: "hm..." She slowly turns the door knob and peeks ever so slightly through the door to see............. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN XD sorry this chapter isn't very much, I'm kinda tired but ill have some good ones for you next time ^_^ hope you guys like it! Ill update as soon as I can
It's still really good!?One improvement, instead of saying 'Raven: "It's beautiful!" ', you could say ' "It's beautiful!" Exclaimed Raven, her eyes glistening.'
Ready other stories might help you describe, organize, and make your story better. Just a suggestion