This is not a Roleplay .-. as a matter of fact it is a story. However I could make a RP about if if I liked I'd need a few good reviews first... Anyway this is a pretty bad story, if I do say so myself All my main characters are guys and I'm not too sure how they match up to some characters in the story universe... And this one is particularly bad xS oh well. Read and review, hopefully you like it I did redo it because it was lame the first time around .-. I don't usually continue stories without reviews. So... Do it There is some censored swearing >.> because the people I have in fact based this off swear quite a bit Sorry for the long intro Hobey Ho, Lets go xD (stolen, not actually something I say ) __________________________ Day 1: Zombies The day had started out like any other. You know, the average morning before school. I woke to my extremely annoying alarm clock. Then again, I always knew they were designed to be annoying so you have to get up for them. I pushed mine off the small wooden desk by my bed in an attempt to hit the snooze. I groaned as it fell just beyond my reach, right behind the desk. I got up, rubbing my eyes and grabbing my glasses. I looked around sluggishly, eyes adjusting to the morning light. I stood up, running a hand through my short hair, grabbing my buzzing alarm clock, resetting it and placing it back on the desk. I quickly grabbed some clothes and ran to the shower before anyone else could. Not that anyone else usually did. Skipping the boring parts now (I don't think you want to hear about my ferocious battle with a Pb J toast beast or my victorious, champions walk to school, hmm?). As usual, I was barely on time, just enough so I could fall into my seat before the morning announcements. Biology wasn't exactly my favorite thing to wake up to. But, my teacher Mr. Lienson made it much easier to bear, his whiplike responses to the dirty jokes made by immature classmates were perfect, and his way of teaching just made you want to listen. It was a good class, except his horrible tendency to pile mounds of homework on us. After that, Physical Education. Or rather, my only source of activity, and this particular day was basket ball. I was never a sporty person, except for baseball. I liked that, because most of it was standing around. Oh, Hell! I haven't even introduced myself yet! Sorry, my mistake. My name is Peter. Yes, it's a stupid name. Do I care about your opinion? Not in the least. Just so you get a general image of me, because I'm pretty gorgeous, I stand at about 5'8, with dirty-blonde hair, blue-green eyes with glasses, freckles, and a fairly round face. First thing you should know, I'm a chubby guy. Not exactly fat, and it's not completely noticeable, unless you can ever catch me with my shirt off (good luck ladies, I know you wanna). All in all, I'm pretty average. Except I have asthma, and I'm allergic to pretty much everything out there. Milk, grass, fur, pollen, you name it. Plus, I'm a total gamer. That's me in a nutshell. Anyhow, after about an hour of pretending to run around and play a game, it's time for lunch at school. Probably my favorite part. Ever. That's the chubby guy talking. I love food, of most kinds. There are plenty out there, though, that I hate. Not that it matters. Me and my group of friends, my only friends, pretty much, always sit at the exact same table, every day, every year. Pretty much a tradition. My best friends, Ross and David, are usually the first ones there. David is, while seemingly a silent type, a wisecrack and a smart ass. Combined with Jon, another of my friends, nobody is safe from their terrible jokes. David in himself is just like me, minus the glasses and a little extra inches on his height, darker hair, but other than that, not much. Ross, on the other hand, is someone you'd expect out on the football field. He is big, built like a brick wall, with fists shaped like bricks. A square jaw, crew cut, pockmarked face during a battle with acne, and a loud voice. While Ross looks like the type to play sports, he's part of our gamer circle. He much prefers controllers to balls, thankfully, or I wouldn't have such a good friend. Probably my absolute best friend. Jon is a little wild. But that's just toning it down a little. There's something about Jon that makes him irresistibly fun to be around. Probably why he's the first of us all to get a girlfriend. But I think she hates me, so I don't wanna talk about her. Back to Jon, he's got an extremely thin-seeming face, with a crooked smile and laughing eyes. The most odd thing about him, though, is his personality. He can be a wild, funny joker one moment and then a quiet, fair guy the next. There's also times when, even though I know it impossible, he seems like he's totally on drugs. Truthfully, I think it's the Dr. Pepper. It's basically amplified by fifty when he drinks it. His pupils dilate and be becomes unstoppable with terrible jokes and random movements. He's a complicated guy. Our lunch table is always rowdy and loud, but barely heard over the din of the rest of the school, obviously. There are a few others, but as time is short and paper is shorter, I can only make this so long. This day was going to end differently than it's predecessors. A lot different. I'm talking momentously different. The weird started about five minutes to the end of lunch. My friends and I were gathered together by the welding lab where they all had the same class, except me, who had a spare class. As luck would have it, we were suddenly interrupted in out conversation an announcement, far different than any other before. "Attention, Students. School has now changed, and instead of classes, you must survive the next two hours, until the end of school. Have a nice day, and don't die." "The **** was that?" Ross asked, frowning at the speaker mounted on the wall. David just shrugged. Then we got our answer
Maybe I should just give up on story writing for this place .-. I know I'm going to continue but the whole joy of writing is knowing people like it and want me to continue
I believe you should write because you feel the desire to do it, not for other people. Think of it as you being generous enough to grace us with your writing. Also, it helps to try to stay positive. You're going to make everyone think badly of your story before they read it. As for the actual story, I think you could do a bit more with describing. It's almost as if (a very poor analogy) you're writing in 2D, but I want 3D. For example, when the main character was waking up, get more into detail about how the alarm clock bothered him. Once it fell, it was almost as if it was forgotten and you remembered at the last minute to have the character shut it off. I do not particularly like writing where all the facts are, say, laid out. I like to discover things about characters by how they talk or act. It almost takes part of the fun out of connecting with the characters and discovering who they are when you flat out describe them. Sort of along those lines, try not to simply say things. When I read your story I'm reading it in a monotone, choppy voice with how short some of the sentences are, and and the amount of commas (not all necessary) used. However, I do enjoy the style of writing in the sense that you're writing from a first person point of view. I enjoy the attitude of the main character and the humor you use. However, as a warning for the future, be careful with how you describe people. You want to stay consistent and realistic. For example, if someone is sarcastic and cocky like the main character, you wouldn't make him humble at random times. I say this to you, not to make you think you're a bad writer, but just to make you a bit better, and maybe attract a few more readers in the future. Don't give up on something you enjoy doing just because you don't SEE the viewers, because they may be there, just not saying anything.
Oh, also, from the way you wrote this it almost seems like a retelling of events. Make sure to keep things that way, or else you'll venture into that realm of inconsistency that everyone should try to avoid.
Thanks for the advice I really like constrictive criticism. It just always makes me feel bad in the first few minutes after reading it .-.