You dont need to indent twice for new dialofue and you don't need to go down at all after the dialogue. example: "Don't be so sad about it!" said Charles.
I apologize, that was me. It's how I set out my writing, and that appears in Tristan's work since I edit for him.
I haven't been given anything to edit for this, only new ideas. But hopefully I should be given something soon...
Death stands slowly. He must do his job. He smiles at little sleeping Gabby before vanishing. Gabriel walks into the room, an evil smile spreads over his face. He crosses the room to the bed and raises his sword over the little girl, the fire from his weapon casting a shadow over her face. "I'm sorry it has to be this way." Gabriel stabs his sword down into the little girl as he sighs. Shinigami looks up at Gabriel, having switched herself with Gabby for the sheer fun of it. "I belief we are death; not you Gabriel." His eyes become wide as he stares down at the little girl, realizing his blundering mistake. Death lets Gabby off his back and she runs up to Mara, staring up at the woman. "Gabby, this is my sister Mara. She is going to look after you. I have some work I have to do, so be good, ok?" "Oki doki mister Death." Mara smiles and wraps her arm around the child. "Death. I will keep her safe, I swear; for this child is now the key to our freedom." "Thank you Mara." Death vanishes and Gabby looks up at Mara. "Do you know any games, miss Mara?" "Well, when I was.... Young, I would mediate for hours and do nothing but listen to the world." Mara says happily. "I always found it so calming." "No offense miss Mara, but do you know anything fun to do?" Mara's eye twitches. "Quite possibly." Shinigami cuts Gabriel with her knife, the cut going right across his thigh. "Tick tock goes the clock." She smirks. "You know I made that song, Gabriel." The other angels appear. "Yes... well, I'm not alone shinigami." Death, Anubis, Mors, Hel, Kisin, and Ogbunabali enter the room. "That's ok. I'm back now, and I brought some friends." Death announces with a smirk. Donn turns out of his teleportation to find he's in a cave. "Izanami-no-Mikoto, why have you brought me here?" "Because if I kill you, I get your power. And I want your power very much."
Izanami-no-Mikoto smiles and walks to her partner. She drags Donn's axe lazily behind her. "I brought you a gift, my love! The powers of Donn." She laughs as the axe turns to shadows and floats toward her partner. An ominous voice rings from said shadows. "And with that 10 was 9." ........... Gabriel limps along, blood pouring from his body with his wings twisted and broken. He falls onto a wall. Leaning on his shoulder, he holds his arm and relocates it with a loud crack. He slides down the wall, sitting down and breathing with great difficulty. "I warned you, Gabriel. Now I have to deal with this." Michael walks into the room. His short brown hair almost shining, his wings more slick and darker. A katana is strapped to the sides of his white clothing. Michael walks past, leaving Gabriel bleeding all over the floor in agony. He looks back over his shoulder, sneering at the now wretch of an angel that is Gabriel. "You're lucky I leave you alive." ....... Gabby sits on Death's shoulders, laughing as they all celebrate. Shinigami giggles from behind Death. He slowly turns around and instantly regrets doing so. Shinigami sits in a pool of angel blood, splashing it up and down. "Look at all the red! So pretty, so pretty... It's such a pretty red." Anubis pulls Death aside as the others drink, muttering quietly to him so nobody else will overhear. "Donn's missing." "What? are you sure?" "Well did you see a big fat man with an axe in battle with us?" "Hmm... Something's wrong. He wouldn't miss this unless he was forced to..."
So I've already figured out my story but if some one can guess where it's leading ill message you revile something big that's reviled towards the end
I must admit...this is a good story, I'm glad to have stumbled upon it a few weeks ago...but, I'm waiting for that update...other then the (late) update it has a great plot, interesting twists, and an amazing show of the wide variety of human's personifications of Death. Good luck finishing the rest of the story, hope to see more soon...
Death walked down the street slowly. He was eerily aware that some, not all, of the people could see him. Was the power of death weakening? He didn't know he just knew it had something to do with the revolt he had started. "Donn where are you?" Death asks himself quietly. It had been two weeks since he had last heard from his friend and he was getting worried. Donn wasn't the type to just disappear. There was a loud screech. He heard a girl scream he felt his instinct pull him. But he just watched the girl fall to the ground after the car hit her. Then the girl got up. To deaths dismay the girl got up her soul wasn't trapped, people just weren't dieing. He watched the girl walk away unharmed, she was thin small wore glasses with her hair pulled back into a pony tail, her friend stood there shocked. "Sandy are you ok." Her friend yelled quickly clearly less closed of then her friend appeared to be. Death stares watching the girl wondering how he was circumvented. ..... Gabriel lays there in the hall. "Michael you bastard. I will prove my self I will stop the deaths. Even if its the last thing I do." .... Sandy was breathing heavily. She had survived a car accident. actually, she wasn't even scratched. "Hey Sarah, I just got hit by a car and I should have died. So, on second thought I'll go to that concert with you. I mean you only live once right?"
Sorry for the late updates my editors lost her way to edit it and refuses to try to use a different device so I've only recently decided to just continue hopefully my editor will be back before to long until then please bare with me and any mistakes I make along the way
I like this. ^.^ The idea is interesting and the plot seems promising. Just be careful with your spelling; there were a few mistakes.