This is a little something I decided to try out, I haven't written much and I will only continue to post if I get feedback and critique. This is the first part of what I have written. Here we go! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hear the cop sirens go off and look at Bri. She stares at me and tells me to finish the job. I look at my sister, the person who I am pointing a fun at. The sirens get a little louder, they are getting closer. Bri tells me she is going to leave, that she can't get caught because I am too afraid to pull the trigger. She turns and leaves, leaving me alone with my sister. I grew up with her, we share blood with each other. My only living relative is her. Marie is crying, for once she isn't in control of everything. She is always bossing me around and she is younger than me. Ever since we lost our parents, she acts entitled to everything. Marie begs me for her life, the fear is ever present in her eyes. Bri left me alone trying to make the biggest decision of my life. The police were so close that I could see the lights in the darkness. They were maybe a minute a way. I don't know how they found me. I look at Marie one last time and with shaking hands, I pull the trigger. Then it hits me. I just committed murder. I lose myself and scream, I drop the gun and fall to my knees. I pick her limp body up in my hands and hug her. Crying into her body and the police get there. They scream at me to back away from the body but I can't move. I am immobile. Why did I do this. My sister, her life is gone. It is all my fault. A cop that was big and burly pull me away from her body and I flail my body trying to get back to Marie. He tries to restrain my hands and puts me in handcuffs. I scream her name and beg her to come back. I apologize over and over and then I am in the back of a car. I struggle and look at my sister who they are putting into one of those horrible body bags. I killed her. This wasn't supposed to happen. My life wasn't going on this path. Going to jail at 20 wasn't in my plans. Killing my sister shouldn't have happened. Where did it all go wrong? This can't be happening... It just can't be.
What? I died?! Great story though, maybe describe the setting a little more. Describing the emotion, not simply as for example "fearfully" but like "looking into her eyes, I could see the terror" or something like that would help too.... I suck at writing
I like it! But just get into mire detail about the describing and add alittle more imagery.... You want to show, not tell ...Telling just makes the story dull... But, showing keeps the reader attracted to the story and they can actually picture it in their head.... But, amazing for an opening chapter :3 makes us think why did she do what she did, and im sure you'll tell us in the later updates... BUMP