Hi Everyone! I have been wanting to post this sort of cool story I came up with hope you like it!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once there was this land called Vixtopia. There were these people known as the Vixens. The girls have vampire eyes (golden to red) and purple silky hair. They are either Vixens or normal Vixens. The boys have Blue to Maroon colored hair and they have golden eyes. Some of them are vampires or Animals. The Vixen house has tons of rooms for their people. The backyard of the Vixen house is a training field. Vixen's have wings so they can fly places they need to get to. Jessica's POV "But dad, why the Big city?" I lookedst my father like a person is confused with the world. My body froze, my eyes were frozen like ice on a glacier, my stomach wad in butterflies. I was in total shock. My father just tolde the worst news. I just possibaly couldn't live in the city. Not in a million years. My sister, Emma was going to California. My sister is going to the place of her dreams. I'm stuck going to live in the city. My sister was older and always got first pick. I always got the bad pick. I was going to the city with no money, no food, and one outfit. How was I going to survive? In the big city especially. The next thing I know I was in my room, nothing to do, just bored old me with nothing to do. My sister was in her room packing for California. I got off my bed and wandered to my sister's room and knocked on her door, "Sis, can I come in?" My sister answered, "Sure why not." She answered like she was not happy to see me. I walked in and she's packing like she ready to leave. "Why do you get to go to Calofornia and me to the big city with no money?" "Because your not as pretty as me." The moment she said that things were about to change.
Expect an update in the next couple hours. I have to charge my iPod. But after I will get an update up
HERE'S AN UPDATE! ENJOY! UPDATE 1 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I mentioned change earlier, I meant not too much change. I tied up my blonde hair into a bun (you would expect me to have vampire eyes. My mother was not a Vixen. My father on the other hand was a Vixen. Vixen and a non-Vixen having a baby chance where it would be non-Vixen and it half being a Vixen.) I stormed put of my sister's room mad as an angry monkey. To get my anger out, I went to the bathroom and found my curling iron and plugged it into the outlet by the light. I was bot going to allow my sister's manipulation destroy my day. After I curled my hair, I had to prepare for the city. The next thing I know my father came storming in my room saying, "Jessica! You're sister is leaving for California. Come say you're last goodbye. I was sad I would never be able to see mg sister for a long time. Even thpugh she was manipulative, she still was a good sister. I slowly got off my bed, just in shock of the news that I had got yesterday morning. I went to the front of my house and saw my sister with a beautiful dress that was pink. She also had heels that ere black. They looked about 4 inches. I walked to my sister and hugged her tight. I told her, l I will miss you dearly. I have something for you." I reached into my pocket and pulled put a bracelet that I had made for Emma. "Here you go," I slipped the bracelet over her delicate habd and onto her delicate wrist. "I hope you like," she smiled and said, "I love it Jessica. Thanks." She then hugged me. An actual hug! I can't believe it! She hugged me. Things were getting off to a great start.
Yes I think it would be a good idea to different POV's. Some tips; •Use comma's instead of full stops all the time. •Don't be repetitive all the time, I noticed that you used the word 'City' a lot.. •Describe more, you didn't really describe what the girls and boys looked like nor did you with the houses... But 10/10 for creative idea's!
You got some typos... Make sure to get those, defentily be more descriptive and describe situations... This town is a very interesting place describe it for us so we know where we are but leave some blank so it's not over crowded and we can imagine. Haha great idea I love it!! Remember: You can only get better!!
UPDATE!!!!!!! Now for a story break! And an update for my fans! I wanted to explain the area in the story a bit. It won't be much but it will be the update I owe you guys. The home Jessica, her dad, and Emma live in is quite big home to be exact. It has 11 bedrooms. The biggest room is Jessica's room. Jessica's room: two desks that are light pink, her walls painted light pink, 2 huge walk-in closets, 1 huge canopy bed, and 2 vanitys of make-up and hair stuff. And finally 3 dressers. The medium sized room is Emma's room. Emma's room: 1 small desk, 1 light blue desk, 1 twin bed, and 1 small vanity. The father's room: (It's really small) 1 bed, 1 dresser, and 1 desk. Hope you can imagine the house.!!!!