Beep Beep Beep!! Lt. Jack Burns leaned out of bed and turned off the alarm. He slowly crawled out of bed and made his way to his closet. This was a regular routine for Jack. He was the commander of his unit in the 55th US Airborne. Get up. Get dressed. Get gone. That was his motto and he followed it every time he was on leave. He grabbed his crisp, clean, dark green uniform and dark glossy shoes out of the closet. He then proceeded to put them on. While he was he was thinking if this would be his last mission, ending in death or victory. He thought about all the lives he was supposed to save or protect. Cpl. Olsen Pvt. Seems Pvt. Brown Cpl. Greenhouse and his 2nd in command Sgt. Dixon. Their last mission was invading a German intel post in France. Cpl. Olsen had almost died,so did Seems,Brown,Greenhouse,and Dixon. He didn't want that close of a call again. He got dressed then snuck a quick kiss to his wife and kids..but little did he know that would be the last kiss he ever shared with anyone. Hope you like it! More soon!!
Jack slowly walked outside and paced down the street. He made it to the bus stop and slowly one by one his team gathered around him. They all shared a special nod as they waited for the bus. When it got there they went inside it in respective order from Lt. To Pvt. They stopped at about 15 more stops then they arrived at the airfield that would take them to a small town east of Paris. There they would hold a strategic point called Vixen Pass. If the Nazis got this post they would have a very big hold over all the soldiers in Paris. They got out of the bus and headed towards their AC-130 the aircraft that will take them to France and drop them off. As the got settled in a conversation started. Lt.Jack: Hey Dix you know anything about this place? Sgt.Dixon: Yeah umm from what recon told me they said that the Nazis will be coming from the East,South, and North. They have to get through the pass to get to Paris because there is a slight problem with going around us. Jack: What is it? Dixon: They have a minefield all around us. So they HAVE to go through us. Jack: Just us? No help? Dixon: Umm actually we will have about 25 Maquis fighters with us. Jack then nodded to end the conversation. The whole team put on their Helmet,Boots,and Uniform. Jack got up and handed out their weapons: Colt 1911, Pineapple Grenade x4, M1 Grand, and Thompson. They then lined up in a single file infront of the bay doors. Jack began counting....5....4....3....2....1....Green...he then ran out and jumped into the cold air as piercing as bullets...
I would suggest using quotation marks for dialogue, rather than a role play form, and using more detail. The story seems to be moving quite quickly. Also, remember to put spaces after your commas. But plotwise, it's not a bad start. I'm not sure where it's going yet and I hope it's not just a battle. Maybe add a twist, if you weren't planning one already? I know it's not my place to tell you what your story has to be about. This is just to make it more interesting. Sometimes just a war-type battle can get tedious. Overall, it's pretty good. ^.^ I'm pretty intrigued by this story.
Small Update We dove straight down towards the grey waters of what seemed to be a lake. I opened my parachute first. Then Dixon, then Olson, Brown, and Greenhouse. Steady flying wasn't the case here, since the wind was going so fast and sharp Jack was surprised the parachutes didn't tear. When they landed and set up camp several noises could be heard from the North...the place they had to go. Olson grabbed his COMM station and set it up. He started shaking his head and cursing. "Damn!" yelled Olson "What? Are you hearing something?" questioned Jack "Yeah...concentration camp to the north it's about half a click from it, us, and Vixen Pass." he said calming down. Jack acknowledged this as he lied down for the night. While he slept he kept dreaming about that one day on Normandy Beach. [FLASH BACK] "GET DOWN BURNS!!!!" was the last thing his commander said before getting a bullet in his head. Jack ran towards the first tank-stopper and covered behind it for dear life. Then out of the clear blue sky..KABOOM!!! Then he was flying in mid air with a sharp pain in his back...