I woke up to find myself in this room I've never seen before in my life, the room was sketchy, it had the basement look to it, cold cement floors, windows by the ceiling, large boiling tank in the the distance, as I saw my surroundings I realized, I was in a bad situation. There were blood stains on the cold cement floor, rusty old chains, and I was attached to them. As I think hard and long on how I got here I hear footsteps as if a person was coming down the stairs. As the footsteps come closer to the bottom of the stairs I start to hear the creaking of the stairs as the person slowly walks down the stairs. As some of my memory comes back I realize i was at the bar last night. I hear the man step onto the cold cement floor and I look right at him, his checks were sucked in, eyes were slightly bloodshot, he had no fat on his face, you could pretty much see his bones. As he walks towards me I remember him, he was the guy from the bar that I had a few drinks with, he probably drugged me and brought me back to his place. He gets closer and closer and I start to see an object in his hand, he's still too far away from me to see what he has. As I see a blur I realize i'm not wearing my glasses so I search around the floor nearby, as I'm searching I stick my hand into a fluid. As I pull my hand closer I see it's blood, I get a slight thought that the blood might be from me when I was drugged up from the guy. As the guy approaches me I ask him " why did you bring me here???? And were did you put my glasses????" "I brought you here to test my strength" " what do you mean "test your strength"" "don't you see the axe in my hand" "please don't man I beg of you" "you have already seen who I am I cant let you go now" I see the guy pick up his axe and lift it up in a swinging motion, as he swings I dodge the axe well getting him to cut through my chains. I hear the chains snap that were holding me prisoner but that's only the least of my problems, as I'm running away from the guy I'm thinking of how to get rid of his axe, then I thought of it. I run upstairs with the axe murder chasing me, me slightly ahead of him and I run into the kitchen to get a knife, I find the sharpest knife there is as fast as I can in the knife block. Then I sprint as fast as I can down the stairs and stand beside the hot water tank with the axe murder on my tail. The axe murder guy says "haha u have no where to run and no where to hide" then I think in my head "think again" as I stab the hot water tank, the water squirts everywhere, the axe murder being in pain drops the axe and runs out of the spray of the hot water. The hot water was spraying in the axe murders direction so I was safe were I was, I dive in were the axe is and get sprayed with hit water as I grab the ace in pain. I grab the axe so the murder can't grab it and I say "your lucky I give second chances" And walk away, I walk back up the stairs well I'm carrying the axe. I hear a clink as if metal was being rubbed against metal, then I think of it, when it's too late, "the knife" as u get stabed on the side. I hold it together for 10 seconds and swing the axe at the guy with the knife injected painfully through my tough skin. I beheaded the guy as I drop to the follow in true pain. As I have a flashback of my life quickly I realize the last words I said to my family were "I won't come back" that just wanted to make me grasp on for longer, but I couldn't, the pain was to unbearable, truly agonizing. And then it happened, before you knew it I was dead, no more heart beat, no more pulse, cold to the touch. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------comment feedback please
I thought this was really a dry little story. It was full of run-on sentences and spelling errors. The things the characters said didn't seem like they would actually say those things in that context and the point of view kept switching from second to first and back to second. The thing that really bugged me (since I'm big on character thinking habits and that related) was that there was no suspense at all. When the story was in first person, I couldn't feel the panic in the main character's thoughts and actions. If he was really smart enough to stab the water tank, wouldn't he have been smart enough to avoid a potential second weapon? Or even sense the danger and avoid drinking with the guy all together? Another thing that bugged me was how you brought up the main character's family at the very last minute. Maybe if that's what he thought of when he first realized he was in trouble and then a flashback of why he's on bad terms with them, then using that rage and adrenaline to get out of the situation, it would have been dine. But that's not what happened. This far into the story with only one line to contribute will not make the readers sorry the he's dying a bloody death. Hope this helped -