My tiresome legs forced a step forward as my bareless, scabbed feet dragged across the gravelled surface. My weary arms hung lifelessly below my shoulders. My will to live slowly fades away. Everyone treated me as an outcast, a stranger to their eyes. The only world I knew was one of isolation as my life had been in the shadows. Eventually, my burnt-out legs gave way and I fell. My haggard body leaned against the cold cemented wall which made me shiver. I hugged myself tight as I watched the relentless roll of people in the street. Most of them were smartly dressed, carrying a briefcase in one hand and today's morning paper in another. Everything around me seemed to be in fast-forward mode as I lay there motionless, watching the stream of people winding through the narrow paved street. At the corner of my eye, I spotted that lonesome bench sitting in a corner. That was when she came back to me. Her name was Jessica. We were strangers once but fate brought us close. It was a chilly night in August where we first met by the bench. I still remembered what she wore. A white blouse, dark grey skirt and brown heels. That bench soon became our usual meeting spot every night. As time goes by, our relationship grew and we decided to take it to the next level. A few months later, we got married and settled down. However, a series of unfortunate events strained our relationship and it did not last. On that very fateful day, a letter on the breakfast table tore my world apart. " Farewell, Edric. I know it will be hard for you to accept this. I really had no choice. I will always remember the very first time we met and the lovely memories we shared. Life has become rough after our marriage and leaving you is the only option. I hope.. I truly hope you understand my actions. I am sorry." Laughter became cries, joy became pain and the only part of her remaining was her wedding ring which lay adjacent to the letter. From then on, I knew. We were strangers, again. The grieving took days and months as my life slipped into the shadows of this world. Fat, heavy raindrops pelted on my forehead. The stinging sensation was just like the pain of the memory which bit into me, like the lash of a whip. I snapped back to reality as the sky thundered and began pouring. I willed myself up and seek for shelter. The cold chilly wing seared through my soaked skin. I was shivering. My hands were trembling. I crossed my arms and drooped my head over my shoulders as I battled against the rain. Unconsciously, my feet came to a sudden halt. My mind and body was in complete disarray. I tried to move but my body refused to budge. It was then, I realized. I was standing in front of a mirror. I looked and there was a man, standing still in the rain. His scrawny feet was pigeon-toes and his wobbly limbs was protruding from his bermudas. His hands was, instead, well hidden in his pocket. As rain continued to pour, his antique blue jeans jacket darkened and slowly became out of shape. The man in the mirror was still staring, looking rather tired and dishevelled. I stated back, deep into his eyes. Those nut-brown eyes aroused a sense of mystery no one would ever understand. I tried even harder to make sense of the man in the mirror but he eluded me. His eyes, his soul, mind, body... He belonged to a world. A world totally different from mine. My eyes widened. From that moment on, I realized, that man in the mirror was a stranger. I have become a stranger... even to myself. -THE END-
It is really descriptive, but there are a few tenses mistakes here and there. Maybe you should stick to past tense if you have been doing that throughout the story. And it has a good plot too. You can also try to describe his emotions more
Wonderful. ^^^She has good advice; you should listen to it, and have some variation on the length of your sentences so it flows better, but besides those things, it's great.
Dadee Kai! Snowdrops and I have the same advice about the tenses, and a few lines lacked the necessary punctuations to influence how the story flows while the reader reads it. But other than that I like the way you write. Please continue and hopefully on the next installment, these tips would be applied. More power! Keep writing! -Chii
Thank you all for the support and likes. I will definitely heed your advice. Thank you so much !!!
Love the way you describe the scenario ! :> And I like the mystery too :b You should continue writing there story !
Kaikai <3 Not bad. There were a couple of mistakes but oh well, nobody's perfect Awesome story line I want to read moreee
Wow! Congrats! Well written, seriously i couldn't even imagine someone at ur age could write like that! Bravo!