She woke up to someone knocking on the door. She looked over at her clock an wandered who would be at her door at 12:30 a.m. She looked through the peephole and didn't see anyone. Then another knock followed shortly. She heard a stern voice holler through the door,"This is the police open up." She felt her heart drop. In the back of her head she wonder I her kid brother, Riley had gotten in more trouble. She opened the door and saw a man holding a not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! Bump coming soon if enough ppl like it!
There are some errors in it and I describe setting more and make your character so we know why she would think the thoughts she does just a little but I like the main over all story idea if it goes where I think its going
I agree. It's a good story so far, but you do need to tell us why she'd think that about Riley. Do a prologue and describe Riley and his personality, characteristics...do the same for your main character. Do spell check cause rude people will tear you up for misspelling "note". Can't wait for more though.
She looked at the policeman, He was a tall man with dark hair and almost black eyes. He looked mean but also sad like there was something seriously bad he had to tell her. The man was holding a thin white note. Jamie was confused and had a puzzled look whipped across her face. She wasn't sure what has going to happen. "What has Riley gotten him self into this time sir," Jamie lightly whispered. Her voice as sweet and soft as a cherry pie with too much sugar. The policeman looked at he with concerned eyes. "I'm not here for your kid brother sweetie" "Is there an adult here i could speak to?" the police man whimpered. Jamie could tell the Man wanted to cry out for some odd reason. Jamie looked around," My dad was suppose to be home by now." The man caught a tear and walked toward Jamie handing her the note.
Thanks and Lexi I know. That was the point not to interpose Jamie until the second paragraph.. But thanks for reading I will bump reall soon