The first time i saw him was in seventh grade. We had fourth period gym together. He was wearing a muscle shirt jeans and i black due rag. He was so cute.. Skin the color of lemons eyes hazle lookin clear nice hair.. I liked him from the moment i saw him. I knew i had to make him mine
the bell loudly rang snapping me out of my day dream about jimmy barnes. It was time to go to fourth period. U was si excited to see him. I met up with my two best friends Monica and Angela outside of the gym. Angela was short and brown with puffy hair. Monica was light skin and kind of on the tall side. And then there was me. I'm 5`2 110 and skinny. i had brown skin and long hair. Sometimes i wore it puffy like angela. We walked in the gym ready to get class started. While they were deep in conversation i looked anxiously around the gym for jimmy. I was disappointed when u didn't see him. earth to Misha Angela said. I looked up ti them staring at me. What?? Monica laughed, its time to get started. O i laughed ok. Gym was almost over wen he walked in. My heart almost stopped i couldn't help but stare he was soo cute. Monica looked to see who had caught my attention. heyyy sexy body she yelled at him. He looked over at us and smiled. He said something to his friends and started to walk over...
My God, proofread. Quotation marks and descriptive words are important and the grammar is lacking, and when I mean lacking I mean LACKING. Don't describe the characters so bluntly in the beginning, that makes you seem lazy and nobody wants to look lazy. Write with a PASSION, not like you've got nothing else to do and just want to go 'ohhhh what the fuck they'll love it anyway'. :/
I only have a few things to say. Learn to spell for Christ's sake, another thing is could you get more original (sarcasm)!? The plot is washed up and it's not even portrayed nicely
This is my first time doing this and i no how to spell sweetie its my phone! And as for original this WAS a true story. Ask questions before u start talking shit.
And use a period or a comma every once and a while! Jeeze. And if this is on your phone you have 0 excuses. Ever heard of spell check?! Your phone has it dummy. And even if it didn't YOU could go back over it and actually put some effort into the things you're putting your name on.
Constructive critism isnt done rudely it is done politely and respectively. Your response to critism was harsh but i will say you were just standing up for yourself, kudos. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you what's wrong with this because so many already have. Just remember to proof read. I didnt proof read and do realise this has many gramatical problems. But Im not telling a story, im only commenting. As long as you can get the point thats all that matters in my opinion. Good day/night
Whovian, you're not a critic, and that wasn't criticism. That was shameless bashing and it was incredibly rude. People have different skin colors, and a lemon could be a different shade (waitwhut). Shut up with useless nicknames that are used by 4 year olds during Halloween when they go into a candy brawl, and grow up and actually give her valuable advice. :|
Yeahhhh...here is some advice Grammar Use " at the beginning and end of something that a person is saying Make updates longer Describe scenery,emotions, and more detail on what the person looks like LEMON COLORED SKIN?