3 hors ago, I was sold to the yakuza and we just moved to Japan. So from this moment on, I decided to live a life of crime. "I'm going to kidnap this girl and hold her for ransom," I thought. Suddenly two guys walk up to her, " You're kind of pretty you should come with us," said one guy. On insinct I jumped out and punched one of them while yelling, "HANDS OFF MY PREY!" "Hey man whats wrong with you?" said the guy I hit. I said in a cold voice," Do you want to die?!" After hearing that they both ran, and behind me I heard. "Thank you," she said.
GRAMMAR. GRAMMAR. GRAMMAR. capitalize pronouns and the beginnings of sentences. PUNCTUATION! Super important! Commas, periods, question marks and exclamation marks! Oh and every time a new person speaks you need a new paragraph. Also, SENSORY DETAILS. A.k.a details theat deal with your senses. How things feel, smell, look, taste. More details. Read through you're whole story before you publish it to make sure your readers can follow it. Read it like you have no idea what's going to happen. Read it like you didn't write it. Make sure you use correct forms of certain words such as 'there' and 'their' Just some friendly critique! With love, Kaitlyn.
Don't forget the title, I won't tell anyone if you don't. Honestly I'm WAAAAAAAAAY behind on my hayate, I watch it, then end up watching something else...... This seems Like it could be good, except it needs more details, longer updates, aaaaaand........
>:3 FIRST ON PAGE 2!!! WOOT WOOT!!!! (__\__) (__/__) (__\__) (__/__) SHAKE SHAKE SEÑORA! SHAKE IT ALL THE TIME!!! Your thread as been mayified!
Intro(kinda long) Sorry Redo and revised Its Christmas eve and, its been 3 hours since my parents had sold me because of their gambling debt. My father is unemployed because he thinks that these jobs are not for him, and my mother is a house wife who doesn't cook or clean. My name is Aaron Young, I have short black hair and I'm 5'7". I've been walking through Jackson park for 10 minutes, but I found this girl who has blonde hair and wearing a dress but no jacket. I started thinking long and hard that my luck isn't going to get better. From this moment on, I decided to live a life of crime. All of a sudden the girl kicked a vending machine and yelled, "This machine doesn't take credit cards!" It then occured to me that this girl could be rich which explains her dress. I decided to kidnap her and hold her for ransom, but then two guys walked up to her and started talking. "Hey you're kinda pretty, you should come with us to a party," said the guy on the left. Only reacting on instinct I jumped out and slugged the guy on the right who was harrasing her, then I said, "How dare you try to steal another person's prey on Christmas eve!" They ran off, and when I finally relized what happened I heard an innocent voice behind me. "I don't really know what happened, but thank you."
UPDATE1 "Thank you for saving me," she said. She shivered and said, "I left my stuff at that annoying party." I looked at how much money I had but it wasn't enough to buy her something. So i took off my jacket and put it around her. "It isn't right for girls to be out here without a jacket." What I heard next wasn't expected. "The fabric is itchy and the jacket is heavy, but its warm so I like it," she said with a smile. "You helped me so much that you can have anything you want." I was shocked at first but then I said, "I want you." I didn't know those bad choice of words would lead to a weird relationship in the near future. She got nervous and said, "Idiot! Just because its Christmas eve doesn't mean that I'll just-" I had cut her off by abrubtly putting my hand on the vending machine. "Do you think I would joke about something like this?" I asked. She answered, "Alright but no cheating!" I was confused, said ok and asked for her phone number. I went to the pay phone and called her house, someone answered, "Hello?" Because of my manners I replied, "Hi this is Aaron-" Why did I say my name to the guardian of the girl that I'm going to kidnap? I hung up the phone, I decided that I would lay on this snow covered ground and die. Instantly I heard, "That isn't a place to sleep!" (Be honest good, bad, needs improvement?)
UPDATE2 "That isn't a place to be sleep!" That's what I heard before a bike tire ran over my face. "Who messed up my slow and painful-" I didn't get to finish my sentence because in front of me was a girl with wavy brown hair and eyes that made me nervous just by their beauty. Out of all the girls I met, she had to be the most beautiful. "I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have been laying there," she said. Her voice was sweet, and elegant. "This must be unmei," she said while blushing. "What?" She answered, "In english, unmei means destiny. Maybe we were destined to meet." My heart began to race, but what she said next was to much of a coincidence. "Oh I almost forgot, have you seen a 13 year-old girl with blonde hair in pigtails, wearing a party dress. She forgot her cell phone and jacket in Jennifer Aniston's mansion." I knew she was rich, but if I said I saw her and tried to kidnap her I would be in trouble. So I did the most reasonable thing, "Nope, never saw her." I loomed away so I wouldn't show that I was lying. I was about to walk away but then I felt a scarf go around my neck. "You shouldn't walk around without proper dressing," she said smiling. I was shocked by it because this was the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me. I was going to confess but someone had screamed. "Help!"
UPDATE3 "Help!" That girl got kidnaped by two thugs. "I need to use your bike," I told her. I took her bike and sped off after the car. Somehow I heard her yell my name but I never told her it. When I caught up with the car, I cut in front of it but I was sent flying. I thought I was dead but I had to pull through, so I landed on the hood of the car. Even though I was bloody, I put my hand on the windshield and smeared blood on it. "Would you mind if you give her back to me?" I said maliciously. The guys that kidnaped her were brothers totally different people from before. One was bald with a beanie on and the other had fasionista sun glasses. When the police arrived, the guys were arrested. "Are you ok?" the girl asked. "I'm fine, but can you find me a live in job," and I passed out. The other girl came running and said, "Ashley are you ok?" "I'm fine Maria but he's not." Having said that a helicopter flew to our spot and picked us up. I don't know why but right after I bad a dream with santa in it.