Taking a break...

Before you decide to read the rest of this thread, please keep in mind that it is directed to the people who care about me here. If you are to hate or to be disrespectful, don't waste your time and quit reading.
Thanks for your kindness.

Recently, my activity on pimd dropped. I can hardly get online. Why? Because of a lot of things that, put together, result in a problem. A problem that I qualify of big.

Lately, I felt like shit. I took a look at my life and realized there was nothing left and I saw nothing coming for me. I've been mean to more people than I can think of, I offended others. I sure try to become a better person since a couple of months but it's hard to be ok with what I did before. To the people I offended here, I am sorry and I hope that I will be forgiven. I felt empty, sad, desperate and alone lately. I have a lot of things to make clear before I advance in my life. I have things to reconsider and things to rebuild.

In the past years, I've suffered of a disease. I suffered of a depression. It has been a hard time but I succeeded to go through this. Depression leaves scars that will always remain weak. I know that there is a lot of false ideas about depression. It's a real disease. It is serious and can result in death, just like cancer. People suffering of a depression aren't lazy, they do not choose to have a depression and that's not something funny to live with. It's not funny when you see no future in your life.

My depression made me isolate myself from the rest of the world. My social life disappeared. No friends to help me, no one to talk to, no one to understand me. Since I got out of my depression, I decided, some months ago, to start having a life again. My head was full of naive ideas. I thought that others could be honest, could keep my secret like I kept theirs. That was naive to think that. I opened my heart, some people took it and didn't take care of it. I learned from my past mistakes though. I closed myself soon enough to keep a bit of my heart unbroken. That's the main reason why I feel bad these days. I won't talk about the rest of the reasons because I have difficulties to talk about it, to think about it. I have difficulties keeping that ball of dark emotions rising in my throat when I think of it. I've seen a psychologist and the results are that I am starting another depression. It's only the beginning so it won't be as bad as last time. I will need time for myself.

To those who care about me here, I am not leaving. I will still get online everyday to manage my club and talk a little but it sure won't be for hours. I love you all. Without you, I don't know what I would be. You guys are almost the only people I can trust when I have important things to say. Thank Jane, thank Halimah, thank Monazita, thank J31, thank Ski, thank Shan, thank MEJ, thank Chloe, I want to thank all of you who listened to me, thanks you from the bottom of my soul.

To those who want to hate and decided to read this thread anyways, you might think I'm an attention seeker because I am talking about my problems on internet. Here's my answer to this. If you never ever desired attention from others, be it on purpose or not, then you are not human. Some of you might also think that a depressive person wouldn't speak about their disease in public. To them I answer that depression is something that everyone lives differently. Keeping it inside will only make it worst. Speaking about it can be a real relief and can also help to learn others what it really is.

Goodbye.

 

Thanks everyone. I'll still come everyday if I can, depending on how I feel and what I have to do. I'll be lurking. If you want to find me, I'll be in my club.