Long Time since i wrote a story in forums so pls be considerate ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Apocolypse My life flashed beneath my eyes as I saw it all happen. My family being slaughtered by those man eating zombies, and I'm next. I could feel the terror rush beneath my skin, scared for my life, feeling hopeless. It was a sunday morning when I was watching cartoons, You know bugs bunny and stuff like that, when it started. The town was to be evacuated due to the nuclear plant spill. Radioactivity off the charts. The evacuation warnings all over the tv, every channel I could think of. Me being stubborn and lazy I thought this was just a prank since my friend know how to do tv pop ups but that's another story. It was about noon when I saw the first infected, pale skin tone, moving sluggish that's when I started to relize this was no prank. I ran for my door as the zombie chased me, I was thinking this was a real vivid dream or I did shrooms and didn't even know. I ran to the gun shop and grabed a pistol and tons of ammo. As I start to walk out of the store I realized I could become one of them if I don't leave the city in time. I thought to myself, how am I gonna get out I have no car, not even a damn bike. Well I'm thinking I'm running towered the closest exit of the city. Tall buildings filled with pale skinned, sluggish zombies everywhere I look. As I am nearing the edge of the city I see a fence and brick walls being placed on the other side. I realize I'm in a death trap now since I'm trapped. I literally have to fight for my life. As I run back tothe gun shop I see my parents running towards me as if they were being chased by dogs. As my parents start to get closer to me I realize they infected, theyre not my parents anymore... I shot my mom 3 times repeatedly in the head and my dad got shot 2 times, one in the chest one in the head. As I realize I just killed my parents I drop to the ground bursting in tears, tear by tear memory by memory flashes through my mind. I get up and toughen out the pain of killing my parents, I start tuning towards the gun shop as I reload my pistol. As I near the gun shop I see non infected people on the gunshot roof, they look familiar to me.that's my brothers and my sister up there. As a relief of my brothers and sister go by I realize there's a zombie behind them that they didn't spot. My family bring killed right infront of me is horrific. Without trying I just fall to my knees as my brothers and sister get eaten alive. I can't believe what I just saw. My life flashed beneath my eyes as I saw it all happen. My family being slaughtered by those man eating zombies, and I'm next. I could feel the terror rush beneath my skin, scared for my life, feeling hopeless. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please give me some good feedback so I can improve my writing skills
I decided since you read my story, and told me your issue, I will help. First of all, you spelled apocalypse wrong. Nobody wants to read an incorrect title. Second, the story is rushed! Where's the fights he goes through trying to get through the city? How is it he gets all those guns, along with ammo, in a gun shop that probably has zombies in it too? Where is the mystery? You described what happened in the very first part! There is no mystery because we know what happened! Not just shooting people is going to keep us interested. We want detail for many things. Like the consequence of the shots, how much bloodshed, if a part of their head flew off, etc. We need more than where you shot them, and that you cried. How can you stop in the middle of a zombie infested town and cry? And where is the literary device Man vs. Himself. Like, if he would've procrastinated about killing his parents, and they got closer and closer as her refused to take the shot... That's call suspense. Another, very useful, literary device. That's the end of my critique. It was more detailed than most critiques! So I hope this helps you, in and out of PIMD.