the long war

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by *Joseph_Beccue (01), Nov 5, 2012.

  1. My first story on here I hope y'all will like it.
     
  2. Where Is it?
     
  3. "Move it men the war isnt gonna last forever" Sgt. Nickel yells as machine guns and bombs go off all around him.
     
  4. Longer, proofread, more detail, punctuation, spelling, grammar, seperate speaking and paragraphs and seriously put effort into it it's not a joke.
     
  5. Its a work in progess. I've never done this before.
     
  6. Did you accidentally press post? Because I have no idea if that was the story or just something random.
     
  7. Terrible, far too short wondering if it got cut off
     
  8. Couldn't you guys tell it wasn't finished that was just the beginning and I thought it was great
     
  9. Longer and more story line but well done!
     
  10. It was really cool, just needed to be longer.
     
  11. I look up at Sgt. Nickels

    "Sir we can't move half our men are injured and can't move."

    "Private you will keep your yap sh." Sgt. Nickel says just as a enemy sniper takes his life and makes me the highest ranking man that has any leadership skills
     
  12. Better but try for like 5-6 paragraphs
     
  13. Better. Definitely better. But develop the idea a little more.
     
  14. Hey renegade I like your name. Can I use it as a characters name.
     
  15. Sure. Fine by me.
     
  16. I look around and notice that the only other non-injured man in the platoon is my friend Renegade. He's the platoon medic and is busy tending to Lt. Sharp the platoon leader.

    "Joe what happened to Nickels?"

    "Sniper got him."

    "Jesus. This is fubar man. We walked right into a ambush" Renegade yells over the sound of machine gun rounds hoping to find a target.
     
  17. Very interesting....
     
  18. Very good but still try and make it longer, bout as long as both ur updates combined and then some