So this is how it started me and my bestfriend brian were walking and then I turned and said'dude check out that girl isnt she hot? But brian just kept walking so I did to then I saw her again this time I stopped and asked her what her name was and she said her name was emily
This is all one long sentence that cant even qualify as a sentence because there's NO PUNCTUATION. You need quotation marks on both sides of all quotes! (quotation marks are these > " ") The lack of grammar and character development here makes me want to throw up, please for the sake of all fan fiction, either fix this story or disband it.
URGH! Just because you "don't feel like it" (look quotation marks) doesn't mean you shouldn't. That's lazy writing. Heres an idea, you go read some actual stories on here, take notes, come back and either fix or disband this. You need to put a little more effort into things. They say you can tell a lot about a person by their writing like how messy their room is, personality and even intelligence. Is this really what you want to be judged on?
You tell him girl! jake go fix your story! Check out mine! GREAT PUNJUACTION' (some spelling errors tho!