So, I had to write something for creative writing. And it was going to have a happy ending, I promise! But I got carried away and I was just writing and then it went WHOOSH! and it didn't quite work out that way. To be honest, writing this made me want to puke. But i know i wrote it...fine. Not great, but fine. But I just need suggestions. If anybody has any ideas on how to improve this, could you let me know? I'd really appreciate it. I'll post it a few paragraphs at a time as I get it typed up. They were both beautiful. Her face was bright and cheery. She giggles, her lovely laughter filling the space around them. Her chubby little legs kicked the air as she clapped her hands down at him. It was bewitching. He put her down and then grabbed her around her elbows, lifting her in the air and spinning her around. His daughter's peals of delight filled the air and melded with his, captivating the ears of other beach-goers, turning their heads, amused looks coming over their faces. They smiled at the two indulgently and then glanced at me and smiled again. You're so lucky to have such a doting husband? Their gazes told me. He is a great man, their smiles declared. I wanted to scream at them all, to run away. If only they knew.
They played in the surf together, the waves washing over their feet, now and again knocking Jaelynn over and soaking her to the skin. He would quickly scoop her up and kiss her nose, declaring her the bravest little girl in the world, and then set her in her feet again. The waves would kick up again, and the cycle would recommend. They played and played and played until he began to shiver and his arms became too tired to hold her anymore.
Hmmm, I like it, but I'd suggest using a thesaurus or something so that you can use better words to describe what's happening. Instead of words like put, or coming, what could you use? Pick stronger words, and it'll improve the story.
I drove us all home, apprehensive. I knew what was to come. Our daughter napped the entire way, stirring occasionally when a horn sounded in the distance. Taevon talked and laughed with me? Joking about how he wasn't much of a man to let such a little body tire his arms our, teasing me about not getting in the water with them, with him, because I didn't want to her my hair wet. But he knew. We both knew why I wouldn't get into the water. I knew, also, that his genial attitude now meant that worse would come later. I wanted to leave. I wanted to get out, had wanted to since I discovered his little secret. His secret that he had hidden for the years we had dated and had been engaged, for the first few years of our marriage. But I couldn't leave now. I couldn't leave our daughter, my daughter, the most important thing to me. I couldn't, wouldn't allow him a chance to take her from me with a custody case if we got a divorce. I refused to let my daughter suffer like I did. A day or a year or 15 or so wouldn't hurt me as much as leaving her with him would. I wasn't so sure about the secret part here.
Okay. Stronger words. Check. I'm going to finish posting it as it is for now, though. But if you have any more suggestions, keep them coming, would you?
This is rly good- the story u have me in suspense but could u put it into paragraphs, it makes it easier to read
Hmmm... Also proofread! There's a few mistakes And also, unless this ties into part of the secret, maybe change it so that the daughter gets tired out instead, just for the sake of realism. Just seems to make more sense that the girl would be tired before the father, hehe. But again, there could be a reason for that. Or not. That's cool too.
They're just long paragraphs. Lol. And it's a short story. It'll get there. Promise. We reached home. I parked the car in the driveway. The sun was just setting, and I paused after getting Jae out of her car seat. She awakened briefly? Just long enough to fling her arms around my neck and wiggle her little body into a more comfortable position. I could smell the ocean coming off of her in waves, combining with her natural sweet smell. She nuzzled my neck and I felt her soft breath fanning over me. Beneath my hands, her clothes were slowly drying, and I knew I needed to get her in a bath before her skin started drying out and cracking, as it always did. But I felt the need to capture this peaceful moment, The last calm of the night I would have. Studying the sunset, I stroked my right hand over my daughter's raven curls. The salt was drying in them and making them stiff, I noted as I focused in the different tints of pinks and purples and oranges streaming across the sky. What kind of mistakes are we talking about, Roy?
"Come on, Zay!" Taevon yelled at me from atop the step, the door swinging open. His voice was hard, and he no longer bore the genial smile that had adorned his face earlier today. I winced, then gritted my teeth and steeled my spine. Tonight would be a total horror. I knew what would come. It always came. But I didn't know when and I didn't know how. The variables were the worst, not knowing exactly what would happen or when it would happen. I turned, hurried up the steps, and entered the house, smiling tightly at him. He frowned down at me. "I'm going to give Jae a bath and put her to bed, love," I called to him as I walked on. I was hoping that calling him his favorite nickname would help, that he would lay off for tonight, or at least wait until I was finished with her and she was safely in bed, he r young innocent eyes unaware of what was about to happen. But he trailed after me? And dread began to unfurl deep in my stomach. I could feel his eyes in me as he propped himself in the doorframe, studying me intently as I bent over to put Jaelynn down and undress her, after turning on the water and stopping the tub. Steam curled out of the tub, fogging up the mirror behind us and winding its way around the room as I tested the water, then lifted her into it. I began to wash her down with a cloth that had been sitting on the side of the tub, her head hanging as she struggled to wake up and failed.
Oh. Okay. Lol. I'll proof it again. Taevon suddenly shifted away from the doorframe and made his way towards us. I jumped, startled, as he stopped to stand behind me, gently rubbing his hands over the small strip of my back that was bared to him. I had almost forgotten he was there, concentrating instead on bathing Jae. I yelped and stopped moving the rag over her as his hands became punishing, his fingers digging into my skin. I knew I would have bruises tomorrow. "I thought I told you," he said between tightly clenched teeth, " not to wear any more revealing clothing." I glanced down at myself. My shirt covered all the essentials. I had dressed for the weather in a tshirt and shorts. The tshirt was tighter than I remembered it being and ended just above the waistband of my shorts, but my shorts reached my knees and were loose, almost baggy. "They're not..." My voice trailed off as I stood upright after making sure Jae would hold herself up. I could feel that he was glaring at me, his bruising grip on my waist tightening, stopping my effort to turn around.
"You will not," he remarked quietly, his voice gaining strength as he continued, "ever wear such revealing clothing again!" His statement ended on a road. There was no preparation as he shoved me forward, my hands barely finding purchase on the cold, rough file of the bath wall, keeping me from toppling over onto Jae. I was so grateful my little girl was a heavy sleeper. She mumbled in her sleep as he yanked me away from the bath and turned me around. His fist hit my cheek, and I stayed standing through sheer willpower. Pain radiated from the blow, yet all I could do was pray that Jae would stay asleep. He lifted his hand again and struck me on the same cheek. An involuntary cry slipped through my lips as my feet slid out from under me. The back of my head slammed into the wall and stars flitted through my vision. Jaelynn woke with a start. I watched her as she looked around, bewildered, and saw me lying on the ground. I was sure that my cheek was swelling and red. Taevon advanced on me, menace in his gaze. Please, baby girl, I thought, trying to project my pleading to her. Please stay quiet. She didn't hear to hear my thoughts. She began to cry, small, sniffling sounds escaping her as she saw him kick me once, twice.