I twist and turn trying to get the images out of my mind. Hearing the guns and the loud voices from every corner, I yell out for help. As, I see a large figure running towards me. I turn and run as I hide in some humble trees, I make out the figures. It's a large green man with large guns on every shoulder. I feel the tears fall on my face... I stay quite!! Suddenly there's a tug on my sweatshirt, I'm pulled from my hiding spot to a cloth shoved to my face..... I see nothing as the noises fade. My eyes open and I realize I'm safe in my bed.
I have some things: 1. Use LOTS of detail. Make the reader be able to vividly picture the scene in their head. 2. Use paragraphs and double space them. 3. Make longer updates. 4. Read it over to check your grammar and spelling. 5. Add suspense and emotion. For example, instead of just saying she's scared, say, "My mouth suddenly went dry. My head started to pound and my knees felt weak, my sweaty palms desperately clutching the table to keep myself from collapsing."