>GT Spaghetti

>go to a restaurant for my first date with a girl
>pick the table closest to the bathroom so I won't have to walk too far when I go for my postprandial crap
>the waiter asks what we'd like to drink
>she orders white wine, I ask for a banana milkshake
>the waiter tells me they don't serve milkshake so I ask for a bowl of icecream instead
>my girlfriend asks why I ordered dessert
>I tell her I'm going to mush the icecream up and then drink it, and she's probably very impressed but doesn't show it
>the waiter sighs and walks away
>there's an awkward silence so I ask what her favorite dinosaur is
>she says she doesn't know, so I inform her that mine is the pterodactyl
>several minutes later, after I've finished recounting the plot of 'Jurassic Park 3', her wine arrives
>I ask where my icecream is
>the waiter says he will bring it after we've finished our meals
>I tut loudly but don't complain
>she tells the waiter that she's ready to order and asks for the lobster bisque
>he turns to me
>"no, it's okay, I brought my own food," I inform him as I place my container of spaghetti on the table
>he exclaims something in French and hurries off to the kitchen

......

>after a few more minutes of silence she says something, but I'm not concentrating
>I just laugh and say, "so true!"
>"what the fuck? You think it's funny that my dad has cancer?"
>I choke on my spaghetti and it sprays all over the table
>I reactively reach over and start picking the chunks of spaghetti out of her glass of wine
>she looks like she's about to throw up and runs into the bathroom
>I pursue her and try to tell her that only a tiny bit got on her dress, but she won't listen
>she slams the cubicle door in my face and I can hear her spewing
>an old woman comes out of another cubicle and screams at the sight of me
>"pervert! Pervert!"
>"what? No! My girlfriend is feeling ill and I'm just checking if she's alright!"
>from behind the cubicle my girlfriend shouts, "I'm not your girlfriend!"
>the old lady whacks me around the head with her handbag
>the strap hits me in the eye
>in a moment of (literally) blind fury I yell "Shuryuken!" and lunge at her with an uppercut
>I miss spectacularly and fall to the floor
>two waiters burst in and drag me into the kitchen where they tell me that after I pay I have to leave
>suddenly remember I spent all my money on my new fedora
>I try to make a dash for it but trip on my cape and go crashing into the lobster tank
>the lobsters start attacking me so I grab a shard of glass and slash them all to death
>everyone is horrified by the massacre I just committed and they flinch away from me as I collect my spaghetti and leave
>stop in the doorway and take one last look at the havoc I'd wreaked
>everyone cowers in fear
>alpha as fuck


SPIKE, WALK THE DINOSAUR OH MAN THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST OF THEM ALL

If you know these, /r9k/

 

Spike, more? 

 

Gotcha, bro

 

>Girl I have loved for 3 years has a birthday coming up
>Decide the best way to introduce myself to her is with a present
>Think of something cool that will let her know I like her
>Decide on lingerie
>Get my mom to drive me to the lingerie store
>Tell her to wait in the car, I can do this myself
>Alpha as fuck
>Walk into the store
>Start to panic
>Grab the first thing I see and run to the counter
>Cute girl is working the register
>Freeze up, unable to hand her whatever I picked up
>By the time I hand it to her, They are drenched in my sweat
>She looks at me like I'm a cross dressing freak
>Tell her they are for my girlfriend so she thinks im normal
>She just keeps staring
>Tell her to 'b-bag that shit up'
>Burst into treats
>Run out of the shop
>Cape gets caught in the door
>Fall backwards and hit my head
>Wake up 20 minutes later, Covered in shit and spaghetti
>Security guard is just kicking me out of the shop, telling me to keep the stuff
>End up not giving the present

Maybe next year.