hi! I'm really new at this whole pimd fan fiction thing but hopefully you guys like my story? okay tell me what you think ! It wasn't possible right? Her brother couldn't have just died like that. He was supposed to be back home after hanging out with his friends. Leslie couldn't believe it...Jason was about to go out the door but Leslie stopped him. "where are you going?" "I'm just going to the skate with friends Les. I'll be back in a few hours okay?" Leslie laughed. "You know you're grounded right? Mom is going to kill you when she finds out..." Jason smirked. "But she won't..will she?" Leslie laughed and shook her head. Jason messed up her hair and left. She went to the living room to watch t.v and pass the time. After a while she got bored and just fell asleep. After a while, she heard the door bell ringing. The person outside was obviously desperate if they were ringing the bell that much. Leslie opened the door and it was her mom. Her mother looked confused and scared. She was running all over the place. What was she supposed to do now? Jason wasn't home yet. She tried to make conversation. "So mom how was your day?" Her mother turned around and gave her a sad look. "Sweetie...something happened to Jason.." Leslie was scared now. She could feel her body tensing up as she waited for her mother to respond. "Leslie..your brother is dead." That did it. Her body was shaking now. She tried to stop but couldn't help it. She didn't even have the strength to cry. It happened way too fast. She ran to her room and locked the door. Leslie started hyperventilating. It couldn't have happened. This was too soon. Leslie turned off the lights in her room and sat in a corner. That's when she started playing back everything in her head... if she hadn't let him go he would have never gotten in an accident and died..Why didn't she just stop him?! If her mother found out it would kill her. It was just too much to bear right now. Leslie had killed her brother... Okay! so tell me what you think! leave comments and criticism! I want to get better and take everyone's opinions ^.^ tell me of you like it DJ
Good story If u made it longer it would have been incredible left out a few parts about the night in Jason's eyes which would have added to the story
I like it. Just a few things. Paragraphs: Paragraph between what people are saying. Always. And double space for paragraphs that way it's easier on the eyes. Punctuation: Don't forget quotation marks, commas, or any other punctuation marks. Very important. Capitalization: Remember to check on your capitalization. Rare mistakes here, but keep your eyes on it. Other than that, I love the idea. It's original, and fresh. And I love what you did with the end. I love it and I want to see more of this story. Wonderful.
It was horrible absolutely horrible Dx xD jk jk i liked it tho a few parts n it if u had rearranged the wording it would hv sounded better xP buh other then that good job chap xP xD