I'm starting this story it's about a love triangle between Veronica, Marcus, and Stefan. She loves them both equally but in the end she must choose join her in her adventure and how she will choose. If I get enough criticism and bumps i will update enjoy. ************************************************ My alarm rings and I get up for school hoping off my bed and into my comfy slippers. I lay a mini skirt and crop top Onto my bed smiling, this outfit is perfect I thought. I hopped in the shower think about what senior year was gonna be like. I have to admit I was nervous, I know right me? Nervous? The most popular girl in school, the head cheerleader nervous? No way! yes, I was butterfly in the stomach nervous. what if everything went wrong? What if I didn't make the cheer leading squad this year? What if I stay single? I ran these things over and over in my head till I realized I've been in the shower too long. I jump into my mustang speeding off to school eating my toast. Turning into the school I got my Louis Vutton purse and grabbed my book bag. Yup I was a rich girl my dad was a lawyer and my mom was a wedding designer, being rich had its advantages. But also it's disadvantages I barely saw my parents at all anymore. I missed them the late night movies, the dinners together, and them coming to see me cheer. I shook the sad feeling away today was gonna be a good day I know it. "V omg over here girl," I looked over to see my cheer leading friends in a corner by the water fountain. I walked over smiling. "Hey Tiff," I smiled at the blonde standing in front of me. She was drop dead gorgeous with a perfect bod and blonde hair that every girl wanted. "So are you coming to the party Friday it's for the first week of school party, seniors only." "I don't know I'm not really feeling partying," I looked over at my Ex Steve the quarterback. We were together for 3 years since freshman year then I dumped him he cheated on me with some skank. Tiff gave me a hug "Forget that loser every guy in this school would kill to be with you, just pick one," we giggled. "Well I gotta go to my locker and grab my stuff cya soon," I walked off to find my locker when I got a text. I was reading it when I bumped face first into someone. "Oh I'm so sorry," a pair of green eyes looked down at me "lemme help you," he extended his hand and I took it. It was so warm, I blushed at his touch. "It's my fault I wasn't looking where I was going," I smiled. "No really it was mine, I'm Marcus by the way," "I'm Veronica, but my friends call me V," "Veronica what a pretty name," I blush "Thanks," Stop blushing V you look stupid I thought it myself. "So um I should get going," before as he could eve as so much breathe I turned and walked to my locker. "Smooth V smooth," I sighed to myself. I really hoped I would see those beautiful green eyes again looking in them too long would make you melt. ************************************************ What do u think? I can take crticism I promise don't just give me bump u have to say why u liked it or didn't Thanks for reading
I like it! Plot seems interesting, but you need more description that's the key. Describe every feature of people so instead of just his eyes describe his hair, mouth, physique, chin ect. Also describe surroundings are her feet clacking on the floor? Do people turn and stare at her, does someone spill their drink, what colour are the walls? The floor? Describe everything, other than that you got it girl
It's good, but I agree with cherry. More detail, more description! Is this girl completely perfect, or does she have some hidden flaws? Does being popular come with a price? Are her friends trustworthy and kind, or shallow and selfish? Add some depth into the story. An underlying plot
I walked into my math class taking a seat by Tiff. "What took you do long?" she asked looking concerned. "Oh um I had to run to the bathroom real quick check out my make up," I smiled reassuring her. "Did you hear about the new transfer student? His name is Marcus and I hear he is a hunk. Light brown hair that you could run ur fingers in all day, green eyes like leaves that make you melt, and a killer well built bod," Tiff went on for what seemed like forever. I dazed off thinking of Marcus and his amazing green eyes there was just something about them that made ur knees go weak and the butterflies to flutter in ur stomach. "VERONICA?" I snapped up look at the teacher in the front of the room. How long was I day dreaming? I heard giggles and snickers around the room. "Yes Mrs.Hall?" I smiled innocently. "I was calling roll maybe you should pay more attention in my class," she snapped. I glared at her mentally killing her ugh I hated her she was so plain. She wore a long skirt and old fashioned shirt she looked like a total hippie. I rolled my eyes staring at the clock gawd I can't wait to get out of this hell hole. ************************************************ What do u think more detail? It's kinda short I know I just need an idea of what I can do better
Surroundings like I pushed open the blue door, the paint peels lightly at the sides. After scanning the brightly coloured classroom I found Tiff. I plunged down into the seat next to Tiff and slung my bag under the desk.
I walk to lunch by tiffs side. I stare at the rows of maroon lockers, I loved private schools always so clean, I hated public. I started to think about Marcus again, ugh he would just not leave my mind. It seemed like every time I tried to forget about him he'd just pop back into my head, time to figure out what Tiff knew. "So Tiff you keep going on and on about this Marcus guy..... Why is he such a big deal?" I asked pretending to not care. "Are you kidding he is freaking sexy as fuck, I think I'm in love," she giggles "Just kidding I love Mike speaking of Mike I gotta go meet him, laters." "Great I get to have lunch alone with the snobby fake friends I hate," I sigh walking into the cafeteria. I grab a salad and some ranch, finding a seat beside Emily. I looked over at Brittany like always She was talking about the upcoming party. "V are you coming to Steve's party this Friday?" Brittany asked. She wasn't as pretty as tiff but she wasn't ugly she had style, but was a stuck up. "Of course, it's the first party of the year how could I not," I flip my hair "I'm always in the mood to party." She glared at me "Well I just thought since you and Steve broke up that you wouldn't be goin." I smiled "Just cause he cheated on me with some skank doesn't mean I won't go to the party," did I mention Brittany was the skank he slept with. I found out rather recently thanks to Emily, she wasn't stuck up like the others. She was Steve's Ex which would make sense why she would tell me, we both had something in common, we hated his guts. She jumps up "I'm no skank you bitch take it back." I smiled she just confessed to the whole school that she slept with my ex. Everyone laughed at her and I looked over to see Steve sinking in his chair. "Well Britt It's already been said," I get up walking out. Everyone cheers me on as I walk out. I smile thinking of how perfectly this day is going. I spot Marcus,it just got better, I smile to myself. I walk past him hoping he would notice, he stops me. Yup he noticed. "Hey Veronica hows it going," he flashes his white teeth at me. My butterflies wake up and flutter threatening to make me sick. "Great," I try to say sounding like an idiot. I clear my throat smiling "Sorry I kinda have a cold," I scold myself now he won't get near you great V, good job. He steps closer "So are you going to Steve's party Friday?" I smile to myself never mind he was willing to get close to me. "Um i don't know I wasn't really planning on it," I saw disappointment flash through his eyes. "Well I was..." he shoved his hands in his pockets and he looked like he was breaking a sweat. I smiled he was nervous to talk to me now i dint feel like such an idiot. I step a little closer "yes?" "Wondering if you wanted to go..... With me," he held his breath studying my reaction. "I'd love to go with you," I blushed turning away to look at the elegant walls. "Great," he let out a sigh of relief. "Pick you up at 9?" "yea deff," I start to turn away. He grabs my arm I nearly jump outta my skin feeling his warmth on my skin. "Umm wait I don't know where you live," we laugh together. "Right sorry heres my number call me," I smiled writing my number on his arm. He smiles "great well, I should go, text ya later beautiful." I giggled "Bye Marcus," ********************************* Okay am I doing better or is it a waste of time? Please give honest feed back thank u for reading
Numerous grammar mistakes. It's like a run-on sentence. There are places where you need to make new sentences, put commas, and even periods. Because in the first update I saw "I lay 'this and that' onto my bed, this outfit is perfect I thought" The last part... It doesn't fit the sentence. It just doesn't. Make another sentence of it, or start a paragraph or something. Because it just doesn't fit. You have a lot of sentences like that, and it makes me strain my eyes to read. Add some conjunctions, prepositions and adverbs. :|