This thread is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is pityful cause his life sucks ------------------------------ Kesha - Tik Tok (Parody by Me) I wake up in the morning feeling pretty ******, Grab my glasses, to the car, I'm going to work today before I leave, I brush my teeth, crest whitening fresh Crap, it's time for work.. Man, I hate going back. I'm talking, writing down all these notes, notes, Screamed at for wrinkly clothes, clothes, Putting memos on my phones, phones.. Oh Gosh, can't even bring in my CD, So much for the parties, Workload has me frizzy.. Don't stop, work a lot, Blow my head up, tonight, I can't fight, coworkers aren't too bright Tick Tock.. Watch the clock The times just stops. Oh no, no no, NO NO! Oh no, no no, NO NO! Don't stop, work a lot, Blow my head up, tonight, I can't fight, coworkers aren't too bright Tick Tock.. Watch the clock The times just stops. Oh no, no no, NO NO! Oh no, no no, NO NO! Ain't got a care in the world, but we have no cheer, At least there's money in my pocket, I want to get out of here.. But the papers are lined up, boss man says I need to commit, Well man, fuck your job, I really do quit. I'm saying that job really stunk, stunk, Workplace was full of junk, junk, Gonna party and get crunk, crunk, Now now, we party until we got kicked out, And the police locked us up, up.. Police locked us up, up.. Po-Po locked us Don't stop, work a lot, Blow my head up, tonight, I can't fight, coworkers aren't too bright Tick Tock.. Watch the clock The times just stops. Don't stop, work a lot, Blow my head up, tonight, I can't fight, coworkers aren't too bright Tick Tock.. Watch the clock The times just stops. Wow, they built me up I quit that job, My head surrounds Where this got me.. I am stuck, They have me now You hear that sound? That's Big-Gucci.. Wow, they built me up I quit that job My head surrounds Where this got me. I am stuck, This really sucks This really sucks.. But the story doesn't start until the end.. Don't stop, work a lot, Blow my head up, tonight, I can't fight, coworkers aren't too bright Tick Tock.. Watch the clock The times just stops. Don't stop, work a lot, Blow my head up, tonight, I can't fight, coworkers aren't too bright Tick Tock.. Watch the clock The times just stops. ----------------------------- This is supposed to be funny, and i laughed hysterically at all of these things, so if you don't like it, get a straw and suck it up.. ----------------------------- Now we all know that people love to use the bathroom at work.. Not just because they have the runs every twenty minutes for every day of the year, but just because they don't want to work! Another thing.. If crime doesn't pay, does that make my job illegal? That calendar next to your computer screen.. Read what is on there.. Yeah, your days are numbered.. Last year, I ended up using all my sick days.. So I just called in dead. When I came into work a month later, they kept telling me that the beatings would keep happening until morale improves.. Fun fact: Do not quit unless you have a second job. There are two types of people in this world.. People who love their jobs, and people who simply do not work in this freaking building! Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away.. But when you become of age, you will realize that the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off due to budget cuts. Pride, commitment, teamwork, and honesty are all the words companies use to get you to work harder and succeed.. But, of you dont succeed.. Try branching off into management! If you don't like your boss, just go the extra mile.. It'll make him look like an incompetent slacker. Rome did not become a successful empire by having meetings all the time.. They were successful because they killed all who oppose them.. Work isn't just for sleeping anymore The difference between your boss and the Pope, is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. Never put off until tomorrow, the things that you can possibly avoid altogether. ----------------------------- My life story: •My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate. •Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. •After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. •Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. •I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. •Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme. •Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. •My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. •I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients. •Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in. •I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. •Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. •I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. •I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it. •So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. •Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. •After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. •My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. ------------------------------ Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days. Love (not really), Me Always give 100% at work every week: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough money not to quit. When people are at work, I swear some of them are just cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.. Remember science class? Yeah, light travels faster than sound.. Thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. At work, some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. When I quit my job, I was so miserable.. It was like my job was still there.. With this job, I was indecisive when it came to me quitting or staying.. But now I'm not quite sure.. The copying machine, the last thing I want to do is throw you through the wall.. But you keep in mind that it is still on the list! My boss and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. For some people, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. ------------------------------- The job security quiz: The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you... A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock." When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns. B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? A. Listen politely, and then apologize. B. Blame someone else. C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union." When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you... A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper. B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do? A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you. C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you... A. Clean the office while he supervises. B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face. Scoring this test Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat. Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do. ------------------------------ I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches? That awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and you can’t figure out which one the music is coming from. The thing I enjoy about most waking up an hour early is completely wasting an extra hour of my day. Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings. The ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’. Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there… T_IF Thinks that the “speaking to another human being” feature of my phone has got to be my least favorite feature. In business, the one who expects no gratitude, will not be disappointed. Doing a good job here is kind of like wetting yourself in dark pants.. You get a warm feeling, and nobody seems to notice. This Just In: Employee suffered from cardiac arrest; cause is, he receive an email that was actually work related. The shock was too much. -------------------------------- Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
You attack Cpt, you attack me. You attack me and Cpt, you attack SBO and many other people. Watch it
Dude, copy and paste. Chill. This was supposed to get people to laugh. Not for you to get in a hissy fit over.