it's been to long

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by steelwolfe2, May 13, 2012.

  1. "I hear it she's coming damn I'm bleeding I gotta hide its my only chance" Tristan runs into the bathroom blood dripping from his neck he runs into a stall and sits on top of the toilet breathing heavily he hears the door to the bathroom open and he stops breathing he sees high heels under the stall they stop in front of the stall he's in suddenly a sword stabs through the door and into tristan's heart he drops dead "damn I'm gonna die" we're his last thoughts as his body goes limp and his eyes become grey
     
  2. Paragraphs and details
     
  3. Echo a girl maybe 15 brown hair hazel eyes 5'4" shes wearing a red dress and black high heels her steel katana blade drips with blood she walks into a pitch black room she hears a loud female voice "echo it's good to see you have you succeeded" echo states into the darkness "yes Tristan is dead he won't bother you again" the voice sounds angry "as it says then were is his head did you remove it" echo starts shaking "um no was I suposed to"

    Tristan awakes in the bath room stall his wounds gone like they never happened he gets up and walks to the mirror his brown hair stained with blood his grey eyes emotionless from hundreds of blood soaked battles he looks only 18 but he knows it's been hundreds of years he takes off his shirt reaviling hundreds of scars he coughs and smirks "dieing sucks at least I still have my head"
     
  4. Punctuation
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  5. Tristan leaves the building and walks through the crowded new york streets to his apartment. He looks up at the boring old brick building and smiles then he heads up stairs. He gets to the hole in the wall that was once his door he remembers that strange lady break through it and attack him. He shakes his head and walks inside he looks around at the white room it had a chair a tv and a small table in he sits in the chair and passes out.

    The voice yells at echo "I told you he won't die unless you removed his head now you must be punished" a beam shoots out of the dark ness and kills echo.
     
  6. Tristan opens his eyes to the sound of a small girl yelling things at him. He opens his eyes and sees Shelby a small girl maybe nine years old short blonde hair green eyes. " and that's all the reasons you should have a door do you even hear me Tristan I mean I just walk right..." Tristan covers her mouth and smiles " Shelby I understand I'll get my door replaced now can you gather the other orphans it's time for breakfast" Shelby smiles and runs off Tristan sits up and walks down stairs he had killed the last owner of the orphanage who had been a demon eating the children every few days. Tristan starts cooking he smiles he still can't belive it an imortal the proud owner of an orphanage.
     
  7. More detail
    Capitalization
     
  8. Bump! 
     
  9. Other than that it's great
     
  10. Thanks I'm kinda new to writing for my self so I'm probably gonna keep making that sorta mistake
     
  11. The white tile floor turned grey from years of neglect was quickly covered in tons of little pattering feet. Most of them went to wash up for breakfast. Shelby and Katrina ,Katrina or Kat for short was the oldest of the orphans she was 13 she has long strait black hair and black eyes, came into the kitchen to help Tristan cook. Tristan looks at Shelby and gives her plates and silver wear "please set the table Shelby" as soon as Shelby leaves Kat makes the whip whip the eggs by its self. She leans over and looks at Tristan "why won't you won't let me use my which powers in front of the other ones" Tristan stops and looks at her a very sierious look on his face "because Kat you and me aren't human those children are we don't need them to know as well" Shelby walks in all done Kat grabs the whip and starts whipping the eggs her self before little Shelby can see.
     
  12. This is awesome!
     
  13. Spelling
    Paragraphs
    You can never have too many details
     
  14. Moar!! Flubber just let him write 
     
  15.  constructive criticism and I still love it
     
  16. Any criticism on the characters then sells
     
  17. Your constructive criticism can kiss my llama 
     
  18. Every one sits down and eats breakfast. Tristan eats and looks at them he smiles and thinks about his past three hundred years of bloody battle led him to this now all he wants in the whole world is to make these children happy and to protect them from the part of the world humans don't know about but he knows that just him and Kat being there dooms all of them to be apart of it.

    The women in the pitch black room calls in a new agent a 21 year old women who has four arms and several swords "Lana go out and kill the imortal bring me his head" Lana nods and leaves.

    Shelby sits in her room alone she may only be nine but she's more mature than most the other orphan. She sits there crying she's scared and she mad at her self for being scared. She pulls her shirt off and very slowly she reach behind her and touches the small white bird wings on her back. "no there twice the size they were yesterday I should tell tristan no he'll hate me cause I'm a monster and then I'll never get adopted he'll kick me out onto the street I don't no what to do." She crys into her legs