Elladora's POV: I pushed my cart of possessions through the train station, heading for the barrier. I looked around, and made sure nobody that I knew was there. I sprinted towards the hard brick wall, and went straight through. There I stood, on platform nine and three quarters. I saw children my age, and children older than me, hugging their parents, and laughing, while I stood alone with a frown on my face. "Dearie, where are your parents?," a kind looking old lady questioned. "I have none, Ma'am," I murmured. "Oh? Well, you may come with my grandchildren if you'd like," she smiled. I really didn't want to talk to anyone, or make friends, but her kind smile made me feel guilty, so I nodded my head. She led me over to a compartment, and gave me a big hug. "Make sure you introduce yourself, dearie," she smiled. "Yes, Ms.," I replied. I reluctantly sat down in the compartment, as I got strange looks from the other children in it. "Elladora LeStrange?!" --------- Just a little part of an HP fanfic. Please give me criticism! Thank you!
LeStrange! BELLATRIX! It's great! It's probably too early into the story to give criticism, so I'll just say BUMP!
I jumped as the lanky, tall boy called my name. "How do you know me?!," I yelled, my black tousled hair bouncing behind be. "How do I know you?! You don't remember me Elladora?," he muttered. I looked at him, narrowing my eyes. No. No no no. I couldn't be him. Richard Longbottom. My mother killed his grandparents. I met him three years ago, at a little meeting for Hogwarts. "Richard Longbottom," I huffed. "Well, well. You do remember me," he smirked. I growled lowly, and took him by the collar. "If you try and bother me, humiliate me, or try anything else, I swear I will kill you just like my mother killed your grandparents," I spat. He looked at me confidently, and turned away. I sat back down, and started to bite my fingernails. You're probably wondering how my mum, Bellatrix Black LeStrange, was revived. Well, after she was killed by that idiotic Weasley, a student, named Tyrone Raffine, revived her. I have no idea how he did it, but that's what I've been told. A while later, the girl sitting next to me, finally said something. "Raffine, did you say?," she squeaked, her kind green eyes staring into my cold, icy blue ones. "Yes, Raffine," I said softly. "Well, my last name is Raffine. Lillian Raffine." ---------- Eh? Tell me if I should improve on anything!
There is not much you need to improve on. Maybe try to spend a little more time on each topic and detail, to make it more interesting.