I got home from school, and when I saw the ambulence, I ran in the house. I saw my mom, and her eyes were puffy and red, and her nose was runny. I asked what happened, and she said "It's your sister" My face turned pale white, because I knew what had happened. I had a flashback to about two and a half months ago. *flashback I walked into my sister, Ivery's room. She was passed out on her bed, with a face whiter than snow. I took her hand in mine. It was ice cold. I was too afraid to tell anyone, so I just sat there with her, until she woke up. When she finally did, she begged me not to tell my mom. I was confused, but I looked up to Ivery, so I respected her wish. *Present day I knew that it had happened again, except this time, instead of me, it was my mom that found her. I saw my sister's uncontious, limp body being caried out the door on a stretcher. My mom and I got in the car, and rushed to the hospital. I have finally gotten over my writers block, and I'm back to writing...hope you like it!
Please use punctuation in the quotation marks and check to see if your spelling is correct: Punctuation eg- "Oh no! I can't believe this, I'll be late again...".
Sorry...I'm only in 6th grade, and my teachers never really taught me how to punctuate dialog. As for spelling, well...I'm not the best speller. What I really care about is the plot, and the charecter developement. I will try to have correct spelling/grammar, to the best of my ability.
I appritiate the tip! Chloe is a 6th grader too, and she is even better than me...unbelievable right?!
At the hospital, we were told to wait in the waiting room. We waited, and we waited, until a nurse came up to talk to us. She told us that Ivery was going to be okay, and that in a few hours, she would most likely wake up. My mother and I sighed with relief. Ivery was okay, and that was the only thing that mattered at the moment. The nurse asked if she could talk to my mom privetly. They stepped into a hallway, and I could only hear a few words here and there. I heard words like dangerous, underweight, and insecure. I wasn't sure was going on, but I could tell it wasn't good.
My mom told me that it was time to go home, and that we would come back tomorrow. The car ride home was dead silent. When we pulled in the driveway, I worked up the courage, and asked what was wrong with Ivery. "Have you ever heard of anorexia?" my mom asked. I remembered learning about it in health a few months ago. It's when girls don't eat, because they don't like the way they look. I never thought that would happen to anyone I knew, but apearently, I was wrong, because Ivery had anorexia.
In my opinion? You aren't using very much punctuation. In some of your other threads you said you won numerous writing awards. I would've assumed you were a good speller.. I HIGHLY doubt that your teachers didn't teach you anything about spelling. For the punctuation and grammar, it's harder to understand. Can you imaging somebody speaking all fast with out breaths like, "Okaysomomisiveryokay"we sighed in relief I was so scared that she would die and so was mom. .-. Try to add in a little breath for readers..? I love the story..
If you have really read all my posts, you would know that I said that I try my best. I know I'm not the best at it, but I really care about the plot more than the spelling. But, again I will try my best.
I was shocked, and was at a loss for words. I had another flashback to a few weeks ago. flashback I got home from school, and I sat down on the couch to watch some T.V. Ivery stormed into the house after me, with a look of hate in her eyes. I almost thought I saw tears, but Ivery never cries. Or so I thought. present day I had no idea what had happened at the time. Now I realized that people were probably making fun of her. I don't know why they were, but I know that those people were responsible for Ivery's anorexia.