I came downstairs, to see a girl. She was beautiful, but she was dressed in a business suit, and had a clipboard with a black inked pen, which means she is here for business. "Hello, Mr. Cook." "What do you want?" I asked rather irritant. "I am a detective. I am here to discuss a matter in which one of anonymous resources said you are awfully good at solving many hard mysteries." "Yeah, what about it? This is a bit informal, I mean, mysteries, really?" "Yes, well, we have stumbled upon a murder case in which we can not a find an answer to." Let me explain. When I was 18, I was in my senior year. They gave us an activity for fun. They gave us a code which has yet to be deciphered. The police could not decipher it. I deciphered it in an hour. I solved one of the biggest murder mysteries of the decade. Then the police took me in to observe the crimescene. I managed to find that there was an accomplice. They were amazed at my observation, they called me the modern day Sherlock Holmes. I never cared for the praise. I didn't care for the great deed in which I'd done. "What is the pay?" I asked eagerly. "$10,000" "I'm in." For the money only. So I could have some instead of being poor for once. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< It seems like this does not fit the story, but trust me! It's not the main point. It is a developing plot point. You will be shown what I mean.
><><><><><><><><><><><><>< I woke up in my room, as I must've fallen asleep. Even I have dreams of money, and doing something good for once. I never tell anybody, because they'll say follow your dreams. It was an odd dream, and if it would have really happened I'd of declined the offer. Now you probably think I'm a little crazy for having some sort of talent that I won't use. No, I'm just not interested in doing good. I have had no good in return, I will not give any. "Andrew." Tiana said as she walked in. "What?" "You have another appointment in a month." "Oh joy!" I exclaim in a sardonic manner. Let's break the rules shall we? ><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< I told you I'd explain! It was a dream see! And it told you about the character. And you thought this would turn into a crime-drama...
She sets me up for therapy and naturally I break the rules. They told me not to drink, so how about I go to a bar? They'd really like that. I don't have a car, they wouldn't let me get one. So, I walk to my local bar. I walk in and order my usual beer and drink it like any other clinically depressed person. It's not like I was keeping it clandestine. "Hey." I hear a high voice say. "Yes?" I say in a melancholy tone. "Are you alright?" she says. "No, not really." "You won't even turn to look at me?" I turn around to see a brunette, tall, nice figured, woman. Her face was smooth, and her lips were big but not overly large. Her eyes were hazel. "Now I did." She laughs a bit. "I'm Sharon." She says holding out her hand. I shake her hand. "You don't drink?" I ask. "No. How'd you know?" "You have all the characteristics of a sober person." "You don't." "I know. I'm also depressed. Would you like to evaluate on that?" "Oh my! I'm so sorry!" She said not expecting my answer. "Don't be. I'm just leaving to walk home anyway." "No, let me give you a ride." This is the part where I reject her offer, and she insists on it. Eventually I succumb to her will. But no, not this time. "Okay. I at least deserve that." We walked out to her car. I got in and buckled up my seatbelt. Her car was clean, tidy. I was too drunk to recognize her car. "You're so drunk..." She blurts out. "Y-yes, I know." "I'm taking you to my place." "N-no!" "Yes. You're drunk and don't even remember where you live." I couldn't argue with that. So, I sat back and fell to sleep. I was so tired and drunk I can't believe I stayed up that long. I needed the sleep... ><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< Leave feedback and advice! I appreciate it!
I really like it, it kind of shocks me to see how straight forward the character is with a stranger... Also, a bit more explanation on how he started working with the police...like did they notice him and call him over so he could do work for them?
He solved the code. They called him in to basically give him acclamation for the brilliance of his finding. They asked him if he wanted to be a detective when he grew up or something, and he replied sure, so they gave him a special privilege to look at the scene. Something like that. Lol Anyways, the point of that whole explanation will be more apparent later.
I woke up with a headache that I only got with my hangovers. My vision was still blurred, and I was gaining back my consciousness. I rubbed my eyes a little and looked around. The house had hardwood floors, white curtains, red couches, and a flatscreen TV. It was colossal! The size was just tremendous! It was nice, but as always I'm not happy. I smelled food so I went into the kitchen, which took me forever to find. I saw that same woman I was now starting to remember. I can see how beautiful she is now that I'm not wasted. I walk up to examine bacon sizzling on the pan, and eggs in another pan. She doesn't seem to notice me until just now. "Good morning, sunshine." She says in such a calm and sincere tone it sickens me. "Yeah, whatever." I say. "Why are you so negative?" "Why am I not? Life sucks, and I have lost every will to live." "You're being dramatic." "My family abandoned me, I have no friends, no job, no girlfriend, no house, I'm alone." "Well, consider me your friend. Now you have a friend." "I barely know you." "Get to know me then!" She said as she put the food onto plates. "I'd rather not." "Why not?" "I don't want to drag you down with me." "You see, you're a good person, you just have bad luck. Lighten up a bit!" "I just woke up in a stranger's house, with a major hangover, and that same stranger making breakfast. It's a bit odd for you to tell me to lighten up." "You're afraid of me? Well, seems you need to get out more!" "I don't get a chance." She comes up and puts our plates at the table. She sits down at her seat and tells me to take a seat. I reluctantly take a seat in the patted wood chair. "Listen-" "Andrew." "Andrew, I am going out with my friends later. I'm taking you!" "No." "I didn't ask." "You don't even know me!" "I know you need to get out of this cloud of melancholy that you surround yourself with." "You're belligerently making me go somewhere, that's gonna make me happy?" "Just try to have fun!" "Fine." This girl was crazy! I couldn't refuse, so I decided to go. It was weird, I somehow enjoyed her confidence and encouragement. This feeling is odd, I've never felt it before. I quickly discard the feeling and step outside for fresh air. I breathe in as the warm sun hits my face. One moment of total silence, warm air, and the slight breeze coming across my face. Maybe a new beginning is what I need. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< Ooo, what's this!? I hope you all enjoy! Please leave feedback!
I love it! How this girl is showing him a crazy amount of affection without trying to jump into his pants xD
I walked out in the front yard with my bare feet. The grass against my feet tickled. I felt new somehow, but still melancholy. Yet, I felt maybe a tiny amount of happiness deep inside. I went back inside. I sat down on the couch, and rested for a little bit. I hear a door open and Sharon stepped out in a bath towel. I quickly covered my eyes like a 7 year-old boy would. "Relax Andrew!" She exclaimed. "I'm covered. It's just a human body anyway." She laughs a bit. "Sorry." I say. "I'm not used to it." "Get in the shower. You need one. There is extra toothbrushes and some deodorant in there." I went into the door in which she exited, and entered the bathroom. I was taken aback by how big it was! It was as big as a normal sized living room! I got out of my clothes and took a shower. I got out and looked in the mirror. I haven't shaved in days, but I liked the way it looked for some reason and decided to keep the facial hair. After putting on everything, I exited the bathroom. I wore my original clothes because I didn't have anything else. I went into the tremendous living room and saw Sharon. "We need to get you new clothes." She said as she flipped her car keys in her hand. "I guess." "You need to give straight answers more." "Okay." "Do I creep you out a bit?" "Yes." "That's the spirit!" She said as she wavered me out the door. I saw her car, and my jaw dropped. I didn't recognize it yesterday, but it was a ferrari. Not sure what model, I wasn't intelligent on cars. We entered the Italian beauty, and she started the ignition. She put her hand on my leg as she pulled out of the driveway. I was a little creeped out. "Umm..." I murmured. "Are you scared if a woman's touch or something? Jeez." She laughed a bit and squeezed a bit tighter on my leg. "You need to loosen up Andrew." "I will if you let go of my thigh." "Deal." She said as she let go. I know what you guys are thinking. What is wrong with you Andrew? You just had a beautiful woman making a move on you and you rejected it! But, I'm not a normal person, I'm scared of human interaction. We drove to a local mall, and got out of the car. We entered the mall, it looked like any other mall. We greeted her friends. "Can I talk to you for second, Sharon?" One said. "Sure." She said as she stepped away. I heard a few snippets of the conversation. I heard a few things like "he's cute," "are you dating?" Normal girl conversation. She came back and greeted me. I said a weak hi. She pulled me along with her friend by my arm. I asked what she was doing. "You need new clothes!" She exclaimed. Oh god, help me!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Tell me your thoughts about the story! Any feedback appreciated! Thanks!
Right, I'm going to review the story. I like how to describe Andrew's feelings, it's very clear to me how he actually feels. One aspect of your describing which does need work on is of Andrew's surroundings, describe the mall more, the car and the people he meets, that'll make it more interesting to read. But remember when you are describing to use words that match the thing that you're describing, so if you're describing an impressive building use words like grand and extraordinary and if you describe a dreary bar use words like gloomy and lacklustre. I like the amount of dialogue you have put in, there isn't too much or too little, it progresses the story well.