Chapter 4 Brennan caught me and protected me as everyone raced to get in. They practically fought to get in. Brennan closes the door after everyone is outside in his backyard in the pool. "You ok?" He asks. "Yea I'm fine." I reply. "Anyway you were saying something yesterday that you couldn't finish." I said. "Ahh yes! Well-" He gets cut off by one of his friends. "Dude can we use the diving board? Where are the towels?" He asks Brennan. "Dude! Not now but yes and next to the seats outside." Brennan says. "Let's go to my room Karina." We go to his room and lock the door. We sit on his bed. "Anyway, I was saying that I think I like you." He says. "Really?" I say blushing. "Yea you're cute and have a good personality it seems like that anyway when I talked with you yesterday." He said. "Thanks. I like you too." I say. "Want to be my girlfriend?" He asks. "Yes, but let's go on a date first."I say. "Ok sweetheart." He says. Our hands meet each other and we lean in slowly. I can't believe it! I'm about to kiss Brennan! Before our lips meet, the door opens. "Hey Brennan where's your... OH! sorry man." His friend says. "I thought I locked the door! Get out dude!" Brennan yells. "Well that ruined the moment. Sorry Karina." He says. "Does this fix the moment?" I ask. I lean in and kiss Brennan. "It sure does Karina." He says happily.
I can write this into a book or just a story and send it all to you if you want. I am an author by the way
Hey you won't remember me but it's Rebecca-Rose here. Gangs are not to be idolised or to be shown as "cool". I have seen gangs and experienced them. They are far from nice. Apart from the way you're portraying gangs and the lack of emotion in the writing. It's a good story.
ZOE !! Also, another bit of advice, choose what tense you'll be writing in. You used "caught" meaning past tense, instead of catches (present), and in another part use "says" (present) instead of said (past). I think it'd be better to stay consistent throughout.
ROY!!! As far as I'm aware she's not a new writer at all, I remember the good ol'days when she was creating lots of stories. Tough criticism yes, but it'll only help her.
That's what I thought. She isn't a new writer. And people, bumping and saying its perfect may be nice, but aspiring authors need criticism sometimes, if only to make them better. Your opinions matter on a story like this, and you can help make the author themselves better. ...Qin...
Qin I'm pretty sure that when you made your original comment your only thought was dislike. Not help.
You know you only invite further comments by saying something to her, right? So why not just let the comments be taken however the OP takes them and leave it at that before something is said that actually upsets someone.