Demon King - This Means War Shadows POV A burning village, Angels attacked at every side. Blinding flashes of light hit at every angle and from it erupted fire. I was outside my house when they attacked. I ran inside crying out, "father!!!" An angel flew into the room and said, "hehehe Well well well we meet again you filthy beast." My father roared, "what are you doing here Morpheus? We had a treaty, both demonkind and angels alike were to stay out of each others worlds." "I'd love to stay and chat Draco but I have a world to conquer." and with that he formed his hands and a bow appeared, he pulled back and fired. "Nooooooooooo, I cried, running towards my father. I leaped and at the same instant threw a dagger. It flew straight and true splitting the arrow in two and slicing Morpheus' face. At the same time that arrow that was split in two still flew and plunged itself deep into my shoulders one on each side. "Augh!!!" I cried. Fire flew from my mouth and into the room, like a volcanic eruption. Morpheus left the house at this moment and the house caught into flames. Flames and logs began falling down to everyside of me. "Dad!? Dad where are you?" I yelled. Wings started to protrude from my back and I cried in agony. Writhing in pain I sat in the room twitching, as if having a seizure. Suddenly a large form burst into the room from my right. Fire, wood, and the creak of wood and floorboards reacted to this figure. The walls to me right crumpled and fell where the hole was. The figure hunched over on all fours charged and grabbed me and hit the wall to our left head on, like a cannonball being shot out from a cannon, we flew threw the walls and into the air. Suddenly I heard a shot, a scream, and the next thing I knew I was falling, and spinning, falling, falling, falling, down. And that was the last thing I remembered before I blacked out. Should I continue? Bump if so and if you please leave some comments all are appreciated except trolls. Thank you, if you'd like to enter post on the sign ups.
Um,I just want to critique this. Please don't take it to heart First,conversations. Conversations like this: Father asked"why are you here?" Or this: "Because I have returned." and with that he left the room. Or this: She grinned evilly,"hehehehe What can you do?" The above sentences are grammatically incorrect. The first sentence should have a capitalisation for the word 'why'. The second sentence should have a capitalisation for the word 'and'. And the third sentence should have a capitalisation for the word 'hehehe' and a full stop or comma after the word 'hehehe'. Also,I think your sentences are merely 'telling' the reader what happened. They should 'show' the reader what happened,not just 'tell'. The reader should be able to feel and visualise what is happening in your story.
Ouch... Kk well.. K... Sorry don't normally write and just trying to cuz it takes my mind off things... Sadly I mostly write about love and it's been overused in these forums so I wanted to try out of my comfortzone .... So k will take the critique and work on it...
I also only wrote on a computer or by hand. I write real events, and free writing doesn't really need perfect details on grammar and spelling because I only wanted to write a story to entertain. So if anyone wants to critique please only do it on the storyline and plot because I really am the worst at grammar. If it's entertaining I'll continue thats the main part. And rainbow it's three worLds not words. If you wanted three words then. And Jesus wept. Would be one. And the three worLds are Demon, Angel, and Rejected.