History of Valentine's Day

Caution: I am not responsible for
Shattereddreamssuckyillusionsscaredlittlechickadeesyoursanitydebbiedownersyndromeaccueratehistory! Only my words  Comprende? Si? Ok!

As we all know, dear citizens of pimdville, the pixelated village inbetween KaW and FC (with GaW nestled somewhere to the East), the dreaded day for us denizens of the RL world (you know, our other life) dawns on us quickly  The chocolates, the teddies, the flowers, the consumerism Companies tra la la-ing in a field of monies!

But, where did all of this start? In what strange, demented mind was this annoying holiday born? Well munchkins, it all started in Appleproductsdidn'texist BC....

There once were triplets, Mary, Martha, and Quanzo (haha Quanzo crack myself up). They were happy little triplets, you know, doing as triplets do Fighting, teasing, pranking, etc etc. Well, one day they started to grow up They started to realize changes in their bodies and minds 

Mary started to notice how men would drool over Martha, as well as imps, chickens, and women The scandal of women drooling...Yes, women were devious then too Quanzo started to notice all the village women's fine BOOOTAAYYYY And Mary noticed how enthralled she was by the dark arts

(is anyone seeing how this will play out yet? If you do, impressive munchkin I shall grant you a quick 5min skip in my nutella field)

Well, a few more years passed by, and the triplets were 20

(notice that? 20. Not 18, 17, or 15 No chance for pedobear habits to sneak in, not until valuesstarttobecomeupsidedownbysexualizationlikewhoa AD)

Moving on. 'Twas February, the 13th Martha, being the dark haired beauty that she was, had many a suitors, including chickens and women Quanzo had lost his "V" card many moons ago, so he had what any guy in our day and age has: booty booty booty booty rockin everywhere, rockin everywhere
Needless to say, his 2 heads were busy. Like, 24/7 busy And Mary, the Meg Griffin of their age, was always stuck in books, reading reading reading because she did not possess the Aphrodite beauty her sister did. Sad indeed Brains over beauty

Anyway! Mary and Martha both liked this guy named Edward, who whipped his hair back and forth whenever he'd ride his horse named Jacob (he even named his sword Swan). He of course was going to ask Martha to be his bride, much to Mary's dismay. Quanzo was in the process of courting a woman who was none too pleased by his Casanova reputation, using lines such as "ey baybeh" and singing my heart's a stereo, and it beats for you, to which she replied with,

superstar, where you from, how's it going? I know you, got a clue what you doing. You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here, but I know what you are, what you are baby, womanizer, woma, woma, woma, womanizer, you're a womanizer

and would walk away from him repeatedly. He of course was gobsmacked, because who could resist his disco stick? (I wanna take a ride on your disco stick) So he vowed he'd make her his one way or another.

Back to the Mary, Martha, and Edward triangle. As I was saying, on the eve of the 14th, Edward rode to their palace-like home, intent on asking Martha's father, Sir-is-missing-a-lot-in-this-story-concerning-his-children, for Martha's hand in marriage  Mary had met him at the door, hoping to persuade Edward to fall for her instead of her sister. She greeted him with a smile while nervously twisting her hands.

Edward got off his horse, making sure to dramatically whip his hair back and forth before responding. "Good evening," he looked her over, and slightly frowned, "somewhat fair Mary. I have come to speak to your father, Sir-misses-a-lot for your sister's hand in marriage."

"Marriage? Oh but fairest Edward, is she the only one worthy of your love?" Mary, against the voices in her head saying, noooo! Don't do it! Don't throw yourself at this shallow monkey whose descendants will sparkle in the sunlight due to eating farting unicorns! Threw herself at him, burrowing her face in his chest.

Edward, surprised at such forwardness, but worse yet, disgusted that she, who wasn't as fair as he, was touching him, stumbled a bit, trying to push her off of him. "Hands off me you unfair child! I have no liking to such advances!"

Edward pulled out Swan, his sword, and used it to pry them apart, finally freeing himself from the barnacle-in-heat-hold Mary had on him. "You ghastly child! How dare you touch me as such?! How dare you taint my fairness with such ugliness!"

Mary, clutching her chest said, "But fairest Edward! I love you! My feelings for you have been growing since the day I saw you glistening in the daylight!"

Edward would be lying if he said he wasn't pleased at her confession, after all, such confessions stroke a mans ego like whoa! And who wouldn't want that? (bowchikabowwow) But Mary wasn't beautiful, nor was she what society dictated ( society dictation even in Appleproductsdidn'texist BC?). She was averagely fair yes, but not Aphrodite gorgeous. So he denied her, ridiculing her for her looks, and lack of proper etiquette.

Mary was in tears by now, the poor thing She couldn't understand why he didn't accept her. She was about to try once more when Martha came stumbling in, her night gown half hanging off her shoulder and sporting sex hair Behind Martha came the stable boy, buckling his pant's belt and grinning. Martha looked up and froze She said Edward's name in surprise, while the stable boy was still sporting a goofy grin. Martha looked behind her, giving the boy a look to get the hell out, to which he finally did.

Edward was shocked, Mary was not. Mary knew how many suitors a day Martha took to her bedroom, knew that she wasn't as innocent and virginal as people thought she was. Poor Edward just found out

Mary looked at Edward, and then Martha cleared her throat, saying "Well, what brings you to our home Sir Edward?"

Meanwhile, Quanzo was still having no such luck with his lady friend. She continuously turned down his advances, going as far as putting on a "fake-out-make-out" show with her childhood friend so he could purposely see that she wasn't into guys, that girls only rocked her boat (because let's face it, girls do it better). But Quanzo wasnt disheartened! No! He would accept her and her friend as they were, and would wow them with his disco stick. Minutes before the stroke of midnight, Quanzo was still chasing the girl, literally The girl stopped in the middle of the bridge, huffing and puffing. She looked behind her to see Quanzo running her way.

She groaned as realization dawned on her that he wouldn't give up, and that nothing she did would make him understand she wasn't interested (I mean seriously, the dude was as dense as bricks! Who doesn't understand that no means no? Anyone?). So, she did what she could...She jumped off the bridge into the water

Quanzo reached her just in time to see her jump, but not before giving him the special finger He dropped to his knees, yelling dramatically into the air "Nooooo!", not realizing that the water wasn't that deep, and that she didn't die....She was actually quite alive. But he was too dumb to grasp such logic

So the girl silently exclaimed "Yes!" as she waddled away, planning to forever escape Quanzo's unwanted, suffocating, amorous attempts (she succeeded by the way, ended up wearing a blonde wig and running away from the tiny village in Sicily. Oh, I didn't mention the location? Haha! Now you know. Lucky munchkins Here's some nutella).

After the initial shock of Martha's extra-curricular activities came to light, Mary had the tiniest bit of hope that Edward would snap into his senses and not marry Martha--but she was mistaken. Edward went ahead with his plan to marry Martha, and had finally talked to Sir-misses-a-lot (seriously, at this point you have to wonder how adequate parenting skills were back then).

Mary was heart-broken to say the least, and followed Edward to his horse, where he proceeded to whip his hair back and forth before climbing Jacob (). Tearfully, she asked, "Why? Why must you marry her over me? She will not love you as I do, and she won't be faithful."

Edward, with a sigh, nonchalantly explained to Mary why he was going to marry Martha, and why he and Mary would never work. According to Edward, Martha was easy sleazy, unlike women like Mary Even though he knew of her adulterous ways, it was easy to ignore because Martha was by far the fairest of them all and, gave great BOOTANG Every man's dream to cheap thrills on a daily basis

"Who could ever want a woman with who you'd have to work for when you can get an easy girl, no extra work required?!" He said as he rode off, but not before pulling out a handkerchief and handing it to Mary, to help her face not "bloat".

Enraged, Mary clenched the handkerchief in both hands, her eyes igniting into a vivacious black She stormed into the palace-house, pushing past her father Sir-misses-a-lot, and climbing the coiling stairs to her room. She grabbed two of her many books and started to rush down the stairs when Martha called out her name.

Martha tried to stop herself from laughing but couldn't (that *****). "I can't believe you thought Sir Edward would fall for someone like you little Mary. Honestly, what were you thinking?" she laughed. "Oh little Mary, I pity you so, for you shall end up an old maid, not knowing man's touch." She looked down at Mary, placing her hand on her collarbone. She inhaled deeply, giving a giddy "hm!" and returned to her room. (Ohhh ***** did it now)

Even more enraged (if that were possible) Mary went down stairs, into the chambers, but not before stopping at her father's study room (where we finally get to meet her oblivious parents), only to find him not there (...or not Notice how in Disney movies this always happens? Mufasa). With a scowl, she descended into the darkness, intent on her goal that would forever scar the world, forever and ever and ever

(Seriously, if you're getting the plot now, congratulate yourself with a pack of Tim Tams If you got it from the get go, you deserve my prized nutella jar...If you still don't at this point, well, I don't know what to tell ya munchkin)

Now all the triplets were scattered: Quanzo still mourning the loss of the unobtainable booty call who he thought he could score (smh, over confident testosterone), Martha in her room scoring another suitor (she was cramming in last minuters before her wedding), and Martha hell bent on revenge (Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned).

Because Mary was into dark arts, she had her very own underground chamber separate from the other rooms in the palace where she wouldn't be disturbed during her practices (and again, enter parenting Where are her parents?). She flipped open her two books and started to chant a passage, grabbing two chickens from a cage in the corner of the room and a dead imp (thought they were forgotten did you?).

Mary swore under her breath, still fuming by what both her sister and Edward said. "I'll show them," she spat, "I'll show them just how much worth brains has over beauty!" (now cover your eyes munchkins!) She slit the chicken's necks open, draining their blood in a silver mini cauldron, then emptied the internal organs of the dead imp into it as well. The cauldron started to bubble, and she slit her wrist, dropping some of her blood into it as well. Her chanting continued, louder this time, and her eyes became darker, and she ended the chanting by drinking the contents that were thrown in the cauldron (**** just got serious!).

Instantaneously, Edward fainted in his home (yes, his hair did whip back and forth), Quanzo fainted on the bridge, and Martha fainted on top of her current boy toy suitor. Mary inhaled, feeling powerful, but most of all hungry, and what better than to eat the heart of the one she loved? So she threw on her hooded cloak, heading toward Edward's house for the final act of the ritual.

(due to the extremities of such gore that this morbid op can go into, it has been censored If you really want to know what happened, contact op)

The very next morning, the 14th, "Valentine's day"(which was named Valentine's day after Edward's death because he was the "prince charming" of their time, and therefore valiant), it was made known that Edward had died, and that he was found with his heart carved out.

The villagers were frightened, seeking answers that only Mary had Martha didn't really care about Edward's death, only rejoicing in the fact that she could keep her lists of boy toys without disruptions, and Quanzo, oh dear neglected Quanzo, he had swore that he'd help young women seek their true loves because of the untapped girl's booty he lost how noble.

However, on that day the triplets started to notice changes around themselves, and not puberty changes Martha was busted with multiple suitors that day, and was labeled a "home-wrecker", a succubus, a harlot, and a **** Her reputation from being a white virgin was pretty much obliterated, and she destroyed other's relationships in the process, causing a lot of heart ache (shame on you Martha! Your daddy should've bought you a chastity belt).
Quanzo did more damage than good in trying to match-make single maids to incompatible partners, causing heart ache, slaps, and the occasional rebound booty (yes, he still had his booty booty booty booty rockin everywhere swag).

And Mary? She noticed that in order for this to happen every year, she had to sacrifice people and devour their hearts from midnight to midnight, starting from the 13th and ending on the 14th, in order to maintain the curse she had placed on Martha. What curse you say? The curse of being the village home-wrecker who would never find "true love" Sad isn't it? However, in order for this morbidly twisted ritual to survive , she had to find a suitable mate to sperminate her. She met one, his name was Vlad...From Transylvania Tall, dark, handsome, and deliciously mysterious

And so the tradition continued on, every year Martha destroying more relationships, Quanzo receiving curses or praises from maids, and Mary sacrificing. What these triplets didn't know, was that their father, Sir-misses-a-lot, knew about this outcome, for he was forewarned about this prophecy, wherein his 3 children would leave a heavy dent in the world, and embody curses, as well as blessings. But did he ever tell them? Nope, nope. Because Sir-misses-a-lot was an oblivious parent, as was his wife. Both forgetful and not very watchful of their children (and we never got to see them either....Smh. Parenting, I tell ya).

Companies then took over in Yayuswe'regoingthroughtheindustrialculturephase AD saying hey! We can make them monies by profiting off of Mary's anger And so they distract you every year by showing you shiny things, that are red red red, just like the blood spilt once upon a time ago, while Mary's descendants make sacrifices every year on the same day, stroke of midnight to midnight
(Not to mention ruffling the feathers of every Quanzo, Mary, and Martha out there)

And so dear Munchkins, this is how St. Valentine's came to be. Betrayal, lust, hormones, and oblivious parents who are supposed to be adults...Oh hai! Very much like pimd *slaps hand on knee* Killing meeeee.

So next time you eat those box of chocolates and accept gifts that are supposed to be spesh, just remember, you're eating the very blood of those sacrificed Cannibals

Oh! And did I mention those born on the 14th are Mary's direct descendants?! Hot damn! Sucks for you peeps then doesn't it?Sucks for my cousin...Wait.... I'm a descendant of Mary as well then My cousin and I are cursed Makes sense now doesn't it? Oh haiii there, no, this isn't a voodoo doll of yours that I'm holding, and no, this is not your strand of hair

*Snaps box of chocolate in half* This concludes the history of valentine's day munchkins. Go out and fornicate prematurely in the world like you always do



In all seriousness. Seriously, I'm not that fond of Valentines day myself, because it makes a person feel obligated by what society dictates; not to mention how miserable it makes those without anyone feel because according to sheeple, if you're single on that day you're a lonely loser; on top of the pity looks and arrogance couples show. Don't try to deny it, we all know it's true, especially the ones who do indeed ridicule the ones who don't have any while the ridiculers do...FYI, I can guarantee you or your partner are most likely than not cheating lol. How you like them apples bizznatchelazques?!

Anyway! Aside from my minuscule rant up there, I want to say Happy Valentine's Day  Enjoy your blood-covered chocolates, flowers, etc etc. Mmmm, sacrificed people's blood

And for the one's without a Valentine's, don't go out sacrificing people like a pro, leave that to the real pros (my cousin and I and others ) and just stick to hanging out with friends instead of letting V day get you down. Seriously, so what if you don't have one? Better that than to be whining and crying about it until someone inwardly groans and says they'll be your Valentine's just to get you to shut up

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a list of pending hearts to devour (and if you're wondering if some of you are on "this list", yes, yes you are)  Comments, etc. etc accepted, trolls, keep your troll lips shut or I'll do it for you


Just for the record: thiswastotallyforcomicalpurposes,purelysatirical,noactualhumansorchickenswereharmedduringthemakingofthisthread