Solitude

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Solitude. What does it mean for most? Some think of it as "time away" from family and friends, just to sort their life out and return to reality.

For me, solitude is reality. I don't talk. My eyes say it all.

'I don't care.'

The stares I recieve from the visitors bother me greatly. I'm paranoid, and I put up walls to seperate me from humanity. I'm not considered human, for I don't act as one.

I could be the ghost under your bed sheets, or even part of the shadows in the darkness.

I could be anything.


... I just want to be invisible.
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"Mommy... Is Cousin Ferrell alright?"

A young girl of the age of 7 peeked through the bars that held my cage in place sighed and smiled at me, as if she understood how it felt to be invisible.

"Mommy... Please... Can I take a stroll for a while?"

Her mother only glanced at her and a frown broke a way through her lips. She sighed and nodded, then walked forward to Ferrell's cage.

"... Hey..."

The little girl looked at me and stuck a hand out, and I only stared at it. I never knew that this was a sign of friendship, I only wish I knew.

"..."

She sensed my distress and took it back, then kneeled and tried to start a conversation. My answers were mundane and short, which bothered her greatly.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Grey."

"... What's your favorite animal?"

"What's that?"

".... What's your favorite fruit?"

That hit me the most. I don't know what a "fruit" IS. I felt embarrassed and a tinge of pink broke its way to my face for the first time. I don't know what the color pink is anyway.

"... I... Don't know what it is."

"..."

She gave me a look of pity and pulled out a vine of grapes, then handed it to me. It was another gesture of friendship, and I took it, wondering what it is. I felt an urge to nibble on it, and I did, biting on it. The juice flowed into my mouth and I tried to get familiar with the taste. I swallowed it and the girl watched in amusement, smiling.

"It's called 'grapes'- plural. It was supposed to be for Cousin Ferrell but you can have it... I have an apple in my pocket."

She sensed my confusion and giggled, showing me the round red fruit. I looked at her and she giggled more, promising me she'd bring one during her next visit.

The girl was interesting me more mimute after minute. We continued our little conversation until she stopped at a question, which to my distaste, was a question asking of my age. It had been nine years of my life that I lived when I talked to her, recalling the memories that suddenly burst into my brain. I shook them off and replied quietly, the tone slighlty above a whisper.

"nine."

"That young?! You're almost the same age as Cousin Ferrell! He's an age older you know..."

She rambled on about her cousin, how he came in because of his exaggerated phobia of fire and said a borderline remark about her uncle. I grew unconfortable, a feeling welling up inside of me. I wanted to be her cousin, and I wanted to see her everyday.

"My mother's calling... Goodbye, Nameless!"

I snickered at the nickname she gave me. I never had a name, so she began referring me to as Nameless. Her name was Fiona, and it suited her. Her mother picked her up and took her away, and she waved me goodbye. I looked at her, my eyes mimicking hers, as a goodbye.
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 No, this isn't 100% sappy romance, it's also a suspense novelish... story.

 

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It's been a week, and I kept replaying the encounter with Fiona over and over again. Her promise was to visit me again, and she wouldn't return until she brought fruit for me. I was far beyond grateful, but somewhere in my heart I dreaded her return. I just did. I was still paranoid, and that little corner in my chest tried to convince the majority of my body and mind that... Fiona was bad for me. I shook the thought away, and sat on the ground, waiting for the meal the blasted staff always brought to me.

"... 1033, your meal is here."

Yes. They refer us to numbers, even those who have a name. I was sent here at the age of 3. I didn't eat, nor did I say anything for three years. Never made a sound, always kept to myself. My parents didn't bother with me, and somehow I got brainwashed to forget the wonderful qualities of life.

"..."

I looked down at the plate of stale food. Stale bread, stale water, and ham that was near the expiry date. It was all stale.

I pushed the food away, not eating again. They'd come later and be pissed off, but that didn't mean I couldn't do it. Sure, they'd inject me with a liquid that would paralyze me, but I'd take the latter, which was being in denial.

I glared at the food and sat in the corner of my "room", reading the magazines and comic books they'd give us. I sighed then picked one of them up, and read. There was a mattress next to my corner, and I slept on it, not minding the springs that jumped out and scratched my tattered shirt.

This was an asylum alright, and I sure as hell suffer paranoia.
-----

"Hey Nameless!"

Fiona hissed through the bars, waking me up. I looked and hissed back, not because of annoyance, but of the pain from the metal tip of a spring that poked my skin. Fiona stared and grabbed a bandage, calling for me to come and turn me back to her so she could fix the damage.

"I'm so so sorry."

She reached her arms out and hugged me, her petite little hands grazing my thin shirt. I could feel her warm hands against my cold chest, carressing the ribs that showed. She removed her hands soon after and gave me a wary smile, and pulled out from behind her back, a fruit basket. I was awed at the colors. I've mever seen the colors yellow, pink or purple before, minus the grape scene. There were cherries, apples, bananas, all sorts of fruit. I was sure that all of the fruits known to the world are in that basket. She introduced me to the red ones first, naming them all and commenting on their taste.

"This is an apple... It's red-"

She pointed to the color,

"And tastes delicious. Sweet, and sometimes sour. There are two kinds of apples-"

She pulled another one, one that was taller and a crimson red. It was thinner, and the shine that bounced off told me it was hard to bite.

"Here, taste them."

She handed me the fruits and went on to cherries, then tomatos. She also added a fact about vegetables, and how a tomato wasn't one of them because of the "juicyness".

We went on until we stopped at the grapes, the ones that she gave me last time. Fiona was almost out of breath and I tasted so many kinds of fruit already, but she continued with another one of her wary smiles. Then, she pointed at the eggplant and explained that it was a vegetable, but she wanted to show me since the purple group had too little "residents". My thoughts instantly snapped back to the apples, how there were golden ones and green ones as well. Same with the grapes, subtract the golden colored ones. She hesitated for a minute before giving it to me, then warned me that it wasn't for eating. It was a toy, the size of a real eggplant. It was soft and squishy, with a feeling of... fibers.

"This is a toy, it's for you."

She stuck it through the bars and I took it, hugging it in the process. I felt the warmness in the drab atmosphere and held onto it, afraid that the monsters would take it away.

"It's okay... They'll let you keep it. Just say Dr. Janie's daughter gave it to you... Kay? I'll come back as soon as I can..."

I nodded and she handed me the basket as well, and told me it could be a bed for the eggplant. We both smiled and she said her goodbyes, indicating that visiting time was over.
-----

I glared at the eggplant, jealous of the fact he had a BED and a BLANKET. The sheet that covered the basket floor was now on his "body", and I couldn't help but grit my teeth and flip over. I was cold, but I got used to it.

I just wanted Fiona to come back.
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D: Guess what she's bringing next? 

 


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It was dark and uncomfortable without Fiona, and I felt sad without her. She always brought warmth into the cage, and her aura illuminates happiness. Three days have already passed and my scratch was healed. The matress got really uncomfortable so I slept on the floor.
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"Mom... Please. We don't even need the matress and the blanket's old! These books aren't even wanted!"

"Why not give these to Ferrell?"

"He has EVERYTHING. Even a video game station! Nameless is my friend! Please mom!"

"... Sigh. Fine."

Mother always thought of Ferrell first. She spoilt him and thought of him as her own son. To me, Ferrell was nice, but he was a bit stuck up. He would always ask for me to play with him and do everything with him. It was like the metal bars were nothing to him.

"Mom... Is that a yes?"

"... yes."

I squealed and told her that I would be back, and she didn't acknowledge me further. I asked mom for a ride and she drove me to the asylum, and I grabbed the matress then walked in. The staff greeted me and told me I could step into the cages today because it was a "special occasion" so I hopped to the corridor, looking at the cages to try and find Nameless. The kids there were all spoilt and disdainful, and I wondered why Nameless had only books and a matress to live with...

"Nameless!"
----

Fiona was there, smiling, holding a basket and a matress with her. I stared at her and she smiled, not minding my gawk. She thrusted the matress in, carefully not letting me hit me in the face. She gestured for the other matress and I gave it to her, and she threw it on the floor, taking a glance then looking back at me.

"Nameless! Here, these are for you."

She opened the cage with a key that dangled from her belt, and walked in, putting the supplied down gently.

"Here. There's a blanket and some books for you to read."

She smiled at me and I smiled back, taking the books out as I blew on the dusty covers.

"..."

Most were coloring books, and she even brought some with her. There were also storybooks, that had pictures and a bunch of old chapter books. It was a generous gesture and I hugged her, pulling her close.

"I don't know what I'd do without you..."

I whispered it in Fiona's ear, surprised at myself. This was the first time I spoke in a complete sentence, and I sure as hell didn't recognize my own voice. I pulled back, and stared at Fiona who was still smiling. This girl was bringing life into me, and it would be a pain if she left...


But somewhere in my mind, it kept repeating that she'd leave. Soon.
----

Ravyn and Tiffany guessed right rofl. 

 

-----

Fiona brought her dog today, her corgi. Sugar. She explained that there were more than one kinds of dogs, since I looked dumbfounded and thought all dogs looked like this.

Sugar made me smile, and I decided to pet her. She nuzzled my hand and I smiled, then caress her head as a kind gesture.

"She's so... Fluffy."

Fiona laughed and brought out a few more picture books, and they were about dogs and cats.

"I think you're kinda fed up with the inside, so I decided to give you a bit of the outside world..."

I nodded and fliped through the pages. We read and played with Sugar until visiting time was over, so she brought out a black square with a circle in the middle and took a picture of us, Sugar, Fiona, and me.

"What was that?"

"Wha- Ohhh. The camera? It takes pictures! The circle in the middle kinda is like a mirrow that shows others when you look through the screen here..."

She explained to me about the joy and beauty of picture taking and I laughed at her exaggerated explanation. She smiled and said her goodbyes, her corgi following after her.
---
Short update rofl.

 

We kept seeing each other, and our meetings became daily. We shared stories about life, and I couldn't wait until she came back again. I kept holding the eggplant toy in my hands, nuzzling the plushie the day after she supplied me with my needs. It was so comforting, feeling the warmth of the plushie. But then, a day after our latest meet-and-greet, she stopped visiting me.
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"... Nameless... I- I can't visit you anymore."

"Why not?"

I started fuming inside, thinking it was rejection that I wpuld face. But it wasn't that, it was her father.

"Father told me I shouldn't be talking to boys other than Ferrell at my age... Mother didn't stop him, so I guess this is a goodbye."

She embraced me in a hug before leaving, not turning back as I felt something wet stain my cheek. It was a teardrop, and the only one I shed in my entire life. Many more followed, and I scrambled back to my corner to cry silently, the heartbreak of losing one close to you really stings.

------
Silence crept to me as Fiona hasn't visited in a few months. Solitude returned, and I became my old self once again. I ignored the visitors, I even ignored the stinging pain of the tranquilizer. I didn't care anymore. Human interaction seems so... Drab.

I don't want to be visible. I want to be seperated from humanity, sever all human bonds... That excludes Fiona. Day after day I scrunch my face up when I look at the food, and only eat a bit of the bread. I soon became envious of my neighbors though, as their cages were filled with all sorts of human entertainment. Rumors spread that in the farthest corner of the corridor, one of the inhabitants of the asylum has a ANIMAL for a pet. It was a present from his classmates, I presume. The yapping infiltrated my sleep, and I clutched onto the blanket even more.

"... Hey Nameless."

She smiled sadly, and took out a few more things, things for me.

"These are all for you... I can't have them anymore... Since I'm leaving for England."

Four years have passed since our first little interaction, and she only smiled. She held a lot of things, toys, books, clothes, everything. I smiled sadly at her and began to speak, until she pulled out a phone.

"... Call me if you need me, Nameless..."

I nodded and took the phone, supplied with a charger. There was an outlet at the back of the cage, and I plugged it in.

"Sigh... It'll be a longgg time before I come back. Goodbye Nameless."

She stood up and was about to leave, until I pulled her down and hugged her. She was dumbfounded, but hugged me back.

I looked her closely in the face, until I decided that... I would kiss her.

This was awkward, I haven't kissed anybody in my life and it was a foreign thing to do, but I leaned in and gave her a peck on the lips.

Ashaned of what I did, I pulled away and sat in the corner, releasing her arm and walking back to where I belong. She blushed and touched her lips, before mouthing goodbye and leaving.

The small gesture of affection shook my greatly, as I began to rock back and forth, recalling the past fourteen years of life I lived.

I surfed through the pile of things after my pity moment, and found a photo book. There was a note scribbled inside, and it said she had another copy. Then my thoughts snapped back to when she visited me every day. She always brought a camera with her, but I never knew that she would make an actual photo book. I looked inside and saw pictures of us, doing things together, such as reading, coloring, and even playing with her pet corgi. She surprised me greatly, and I felt even more teardrops falling. This was painful, absolutely painful.
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D: