Ever happened that a situation just ruined your friendship with someone and you could never fix it? Some insight to a situation: Also I have added what I did learn from these things. (IDK, keep these in mind, can help) I am kind of an arse sometimes so yeah, I know that. I was a close friend with this one girl and she was also in my team in the project and I was the Team Lead. After 6-7 months of great friendship four different separate situations happened and with each situation I learned Something. 1) We were all offered a project and she and her friend came to me to let them take that project as I could make some other project easily based on my skill set. I just told them to go and compete with me coz I am taking the project. They took it as me being proud of being more capable and showing off. She started crying and well I didn't take the project and let them have it. What I learned: there could be a better way of dealing with a situation like this without being an arse. 2) We were all drunk after a birthday party and I was talking to a friend about some new app design. Her friend randomly spouted that I am jealous of her love life as mine isn't going so well these days. She asked me in a very rude tone if I said something about her boyfriend. I was angry at her way of thinking and replied with a "Yeah, so? what're you gonna do about it? What I learned: Anger management helps and again being an arse doesn't really help. 3) I as a team lead pushed a new version of the app to GitHub and asked them to check the documentation and working ( their participation in the programming was low and it pissed me off coz I had to work overtime alone). Her friend said she doesn't have Android Studio. To which I replied " Weren't you class topper in that subject?" This pissed her off and things didn't go so well afterwards. What I learned? Obviously, being an arse doesn't help. 4) This was the last nail in the coffin. I was invited to her friend's birthday party, same one I insulted coz she wasn't interested in work and same one that wanted my project. I had to attend a meeting coz of family business so I didn't attend the birthday. I didn't send a sorry for not being able to attend the birthday before party or after party. After this we stopped talking and a guy came to fix things between us who I slapped coz I thought he's being too much of a smartass. What I learned? 1)Being an arse doesn't help. 2) Small gestures like sorry and Thank you are indeed important. What do you think? How would you have handled the four different situations?
1.) There is no I in team. The point is to produce the best product possible to better the company and to help your team to be as efficient and effective as possible. Friendly competition is great, but pointless if it ruins the morale of your colleagues. That is indeed counterproductive. In addition, there are always things to be learned from others. Sometimes the person with the least experience may highlight an integral part or different angle to approach a project that helps exceed expectations upon final presentation. To dismiss offered help on a project that is assigned to a team, and in a authoritarian like manner at that, suggests a superiority complex and lack of confidence in your teammates. It could prevent them from asking for your help or including you in future projects should the tables turn in their favor at a later date. To put things figuratively, it is nearly impossible to win a war with an army that does not respect its leader (The Art of War). To gain an armies respect, a leader must respect that army’s ability to learn new manuvers, and its limitations, while accepting them as their own. Once a leader can overcome that army’s limitations by believing in them and showing respect for them, that armies respect for the leader typically allows them to do the same. 2.) You were drunk. While this is no excuse for abusive behavior, (verbally or mentally) discussion regarding passions may become more intense during times of impaired judgment. The only suggestion here is to have a little more self-control over your tongue. There is a time and place for such discussions. That just wasn’t either. As soon as the conversation shifted that direction, the reaction should have immediately been shifting it back to something less personal. Apologize for speaking out of turn and never do it again... best way to recover from immature remarks such as that. 3.) A persons possessions is never a reflection of their ability or success. To bring up a person’s scholastic achievements in that way, suggests a hint of jealousy or insecurity, along with a doubt in their capabilities as a worker. Again, it comes down to respect. Instinctively replying to that question in this tangential manner demonstates a clear lack of respect for your colleague; intentional or not. Best way to recover is to show respect for them and not do it again. Some people spend a good portion of their lives training for their careers. To depreciate someone’s livelihood, even if only with remarks, especially if they worked extremely hard to get there, will not soon be forgotten. An apology may not help here as they will question how seriously you took your career in the first place if that is your line of reasoning. 4.) The easy fix was to send a card/gift and/or a “happy belated” and just leave it... given the history. The slap was a horrible move and there is little justification for that as an adult. IMO if you, your family, or an innocent, are not being threatened... there is no reason anything verbal or written should turn to physical... ever. Explosive, impulsive, dramatic, reactions to things that do not involve the harming of innocents are seen by most level headed people as a clear sign of weakness. A better move would have been to thank him for his concern and to inform the gentleman that the conflict between yourself and your estranged friend would be better settled directly without the use of a mediator and then change the subject. You will never be able to take back being physically abusive towards someone. Oof. Also... Saying “Sorry” is disingenuous if their is no understanding of what was done wrong or how it affected the person(s) you are apologizing to. Apologies should include sincerity and so should gratitude. Sincerity can be felt but, unfortunately, cannot be taught. Little things can lead to big things. Interpersonal communication can make or break future opportunity in nearly any setting. So yes, it is indeed important, and I suppose some lessons are better learned late than never.
Thank you, I do agree with everything you have said. I really like the approaches that you have mentioned that I should have taken. I'd be more considerate in the future. Also, I really appreciate that you took your time to help despite how I have been to you a year or two ago. Thanks a lot again.
Yeah man... holding grudges is wack... it was words on a screen... on a game that went away when I closed the app. We all have to grow up sometime. So all that shit is as far as the east is from the west... but it takes balls to own up to your mistakes... so kudos to you for that. I sincerely hope that you are enjoying life and that you continue to grow in your journey towards success. I’m impressed that you took the time to reflect on these situations tbh. To me, that shows that you have indeed grown a lot already. Best wishes man.
I feel like... some friendships are worth taking the effort to repair. I've been in a lot of "situations" with friends that I could have easily fixed with some effort, but it felt like the hypothetical effort wouldn't be reciprocated. So thus it was a decent stopping point for the friendship and I just let it be.